The Coffee Soldiers

The Coffee Soldiers

http://www.sxc.hu/pic/m/c/cw/cwsille...f_coffee_3.jpg

“Let us work to earn our countries living”

The sun shines and bathes the bewildered workers to rest
Royalty did behest for these rural puppets to produce the best
Man to child to man are slavering to solidify the raw roots
Representation of their struggle is crushed under incipient boots

“I’m not a child but a young farmer”

His crime was that to ask for the right from which he was stripped
Laughing at the cruel irony of fate he cringed as another razor nipped
The rich produce of the mother land was overshadowed by debt
Father Joy slept as uncle greed caused the produce to count inept
Willowy tendrils of despair latched caressingly at the last rays of hope
Trying to keep the flailing ship of income afloat, now on a negative slope

“God is with us”

Heavenly thunders provided new rays and filled the bays of water supplies
Aves flew across the teary womb of the cloudy skies and eat the acidic flies
The seeds sprouted and the harvest blossomed radiance and radiated the joy
Towards the fruitless farmers who had lost hope to cope, celebrated with soy
They arranged a celebration that consisted of grinding the coffee beans
You sow what you seed so the picture of pure joy was seen in the gleams
Of the local farmers who would now export the beans to quench the thirst
Of the caffeine addicted rich who believed they were the stressed & cursed

Prayer of a Mother

http://www.sxc.hu/pic/m/g/gm/gmarcelo/460827_angel.jpg

The lone mother embodied by the tribute watched as she gave birth to seeds
They were the reward for the deeds her young had done to fulfil their needs
She glanced and prayed to the creator to give her the supply to belie the rich
Who treated her with contempt and regarded her as a crook with a hitch
Now she will provide to those who still believed in madre naturaleza’s worth
Through the torment of birth the seeds grew to coffee that cooled in the earth

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=302801
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=302616

Uppin'

.....Uppin''.....

i want to up so i up

Sorry everyone is sleeping on this, I usually like to read what you do.

This is solid, pretty much all the way through, and I like the rural story you were presenting, which is a little outside of the box, I must admit. Much better then the last piece I read from you, this had a much more even syllable count line by line and flowed nicely, with your multies suttle and put in the correct places to keep the tongue easily wrapped around the lyrics.

Quote:

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Heavenly thunders provided new rays and filled the bays of water supplies
Aves flew across the teary womb of the cloudy skies and eat the acidic flies
The seeds sprouted and the harvest blossomed radiance and radiated the joy
Towards the fruitless farmers who had lost hope to cope, celebrated with soy
They arranged a celebration that consisted of grinding the coffee beans
You sow what you seed so the picture of pure joy was seen in the gleams
Of the local farmers who would now export the beans to quench the thirst
Of the caffeine addicted rich who believed they were the stressed & cursed

---

I liked this part best. I just thought it was the coolest part of the story, for one thing, and it also was the best put together for me.

Good job, altogether. Hit me up on something I've done if you would, my most recent is called, "Some thoughts about Culture." or something very close to that...

preciate the comments thanks, i've already checked ya om..Stay up

“God is with us”

Heavenly thunders provided new rays and filled the bays of water supplies
Aves flew across the teary womb of the cloudy skies and eat the acidic flies
The seeds sprouted and the harvest blossomed radiance and radiated the joy
Towards the fruitless farmers who had lost hope to cope, celebrated with soy
They arranged a celebration that consisted of grinding the coffee beans
You sow what you seed so the picture of pure joy was seen in the gleams
Of the local farmers who would now export the beans to quench the thirst
Of the caffeine addicted rich who believed they were the stressed & cursed

^^^This was a nice piece of the OM in my opinion tons of Imagery along with creativity nice structure with just the right amount of vocab in this portion made this a dope read and not to mention a great display of fresh concepts that really stood out in my prespective,you are a very talented writer Pak and this piece here shows it and it's a wonder why people are sleeping on it I only see a Good OM and nothingless but maybe more but I"m not the best Topical writer so I can't really tell you what you need work on except for maybe complexity at the beginning more...but tahts about it I liked the topic as well as the way you took it...thisis an original topic and anything else like it would just be the same so a nice job here Pak...I'll hope to see more writing from you.

Syn.

Thanks man, i appreciate the comments and the pointer..Stay up

His crime was that to ask for the right from which he was stripped
Laughing at the cruel irony of fate he cringed as another razor nipped

Gotta be my fav line.. word play all the way through was iight. Nice structure, two thumbs up to the creativity.
the topic alone was enough to grab my attention. You stayed on ya topic drop it wit a neat clean flow..
Defintitly one of the nicest OM's ive seen in a minute man. Keep ya shit up

Hit This Up If You will man



http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=303086


wordie

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Pakaveli aka Dopeness

His crime was that to ask for the right from which he was stripped
Laughing at the cruel irony of fate he cringed as another razor nipped
The rich produce of the mother land was overshadowed by debt
Father Joy slept as uncle greed caused the produce to count inept
Willowy tendrils of despair latched caressingly at the last rays of hope
Trying to keep the flailing ship of income afloat, now on a negative slope

---

^^^ that was my favorite ssection of ur OM. the first two lines were nothing but wordplay. and it wasnt sum shitty wordplay it was sum good wordplay. you had a original topic ive seen nothing like this so props for coming up with an original topic. u also had sum excellent imagery in this piece.

Quote:

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Representation of their struggle is crushed under incipient boots

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this was some excellent imagery. i could jusr invision the strugggle of those workers. but overall pakaveli this was a solid piece. it was just short of nomination of the Hall Of Fame

Preciate all comments, i'll get at the linkage as i soon as i get back.

Checked all links provided.

Very good piece.

I think you hit all aspects to make a good piece, the only thing I feel you could have worked on better is wording in certain areas. Other than that I felt your emotion, you expressed it in a certain way that got to to stay involved. You're vocabulary was very good, a little strained at times but none the less very nice. Imagery was the thing that caught my eye the most.
Heavenly thunders provided new rays and filled the bays of water supplies
Aves flew across the teary womb of the cloudy skies and eat the acidic flies
The seeds sprouted and the harvest blossomed radiance and radiated the joy
Towards the fruitless farmers who had lost hope to cope, celebrated with soy

I liked that part the most, I feel you expressed so much in that short little stanza. You had some metaphores too which was a plus, just work on fixing more of them into your work. Great piece keep it up.

If you could hit this up it would be greatly appreaciated. Thanks
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...26#post4764726

Thanks for the pointers na mean, it's appreciated i'll hit up the link in a sec no doubt

No doubt, keep writing. and good look on the sig

This was actually funny. I dont know why but I laughed at some lines. this wordplay was great and flow went well through the whole verse. The story and creativty was nice,. And the imagenary was well done. 9-10. Keep writing and RTF by leaving feed in VooDoo.

this was a really goos piece..nice flow and vocab basically...really goos mettas and mutlies also..this was a funny topic..but you wrote good to it and for that i give you a 9/10
good shit

I think you probably see here that most of the good writers said that the same piece was the best part of this entire OM. It flowed the best, used the best syllable counts for rhythym, and also exhibited your best word choices. Though the entire piece is solid, that is the only part that is truly really good...

Aspire to make every line as carefully worded as the few in that one stanza, which you did excellently.

preciate all comments, yeah E i see what ya mean, i'll try and sort out this whole style soon na mean.

strange title.ha..... nice starting bars. liked the flow and deepness of concept thrown str8 up iun those. other than say a slight syllable out in the last line ......


second set of bars contained sum nice poetic type imagery. vocab and wording was held very well

3rd set of bars had a word a or two could need revising. like eat becoming ate wud b a starting point. overall to give a bit more clarity as you did start out doing....... flowed seemed to get a bit stammered towards centre of the verse. syllable overload which ifn done i tthink needs to pour with emotion and direction to pull it off...


4th verse/stanza i thought was pulled off well and contrasted well with the picture

ending semmed round3ed off enough semmed like a touch of visual mettaphor but pulled out a lil short as complete metta.

was a nice drop f'sho

hit this 1 up

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=303258

Preciate the poniters, i'll hit up ya drop na mean

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Pakaveli

Father Joy slept as uncle greed caused the produce to count inept

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^That line is absolutely sick.
I like this piece. For the most part your rhythm was on point, and that always makes it easier to read and get what the writer is trying to convey. Question; Were coffee beans a metaphore for something else? Or was this just a straight forward piece?

I enjoyed the vocab you used in this quite a bit. I don't think I've ever seen someone say tendrils in OM before.. So kudo's for that. There was a good amount of emotion in this, it seemed passionate in a calm kind of way. Overall I liked it.. Good drop. 7/10

Split

Preciate your comments as for the coffee beans, in this om they were i part just coffee beans in others they were the children of earth...us all.

I figured as much. Good shit none-the-less. Would you mind hitting my piece up?

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...12#post4768712

checked all links..uppin'

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Pakaveli

checked all links..uppin'

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*test*

Good piece here. I liked what you've done with this piece. Really nice imagery & foucs that lead through it. It look's like you changed some stuff around after the guy no-showed in your battle. Lol.. Well this was nice I liked the topic you choose which was really creative. Never quite heard of a topic like this which made it interesting. You also had nice vocab through this. Nice work coming from you again Pak & expect to see more to come.

-Infamouz.

yeah thanks, preciate it.

*Last uppin*