As She Looked Dear

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=302567
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=302371

http://tn3-2.deviantart.com/fs6/300W...y_camilkuo.jpg


Stare so demonic yet fragile with a touch
Like a tree to bare fruit at a certain deration of time, she shares her love
Corruption is upon her yet she knows not to think
Nor to let a simple sintricate thought slip, for death lies in a eye that blinks
Her tears shed like rain but crash hard like the ocean
Her emotions ripple away in a sudden rush with no sense of devotion
caused a cummotion, her eye's wander in curiousity
She crumbles like lost gravity, hitting the ground with such velocity
.
.
.
she settles in the feeling of a no name
like a broken mirrored frame the jagged glass falling is her mirrored pain
married to the eye's of tearony, she see's her own
crossed paths of a mirrored game, she hides to seek from her own clone
chrome, a life of neon and a pint of home
Yet the bloodied tears still rapidly descend into a pint of home all alone
The blood drips on the ground, leaves a mark of shame
Yet she grips the chain of pain, as the words " i fear no evil" is refrained
Whisperse are made but mistakes outrun.
Words mumble and stumble to make-out a perfect picture of hated Lust
Brushed, like a pinacle center from a sudden rush
Crushed, the heart is dragged and bruised from the edges of pain, that's her love
Shaked, moved as her emotion burn all of her mistakes
She leaps and plunges to her death, which is always remembered as the leap of faith
.
.
.
So she stares as she descends, starts a trend.
Of how to handle a mistaken burden of losing herself including a friend
She tried to face it, but could not handle her heart bent
As her heart bent to a shape that could not defend a worthy love that was sent.





i know i made this on my KRATO'S ACCOUNT BUT DH CLOSED IT SO!...leave feed people now!

Alright this was a good piece right here, you got some errors but it was as if almost flawless in my eyes. You have pictured a decent imaginary in your words, between complex and complex not at all. The emotion from this piece was very Much powerful, the character in this piece you've showed its emotion very well. Nice vocabulary you've put in this. Overall Good Verse, keep writing.

wow..This was a very captivating peice, lots of imagery and a good use of rhyme schemes and multi's, nice work

very intens i agree good use of rhyme schemes and multi's, also tone it up a little

very nice ryme sceme..god flow..nice mettas and multies......really good piece..it all came together..nice shit homie
keep it up..overall 9/10

hot drop

thanks upping this for others to see.

Poetic and inspired man. You used strong vocab and stronger imagery to paint a scene and get inside the head of the charecter in that picture. You get points for originality as well. The rhymes were solid, some more multi's would've been nice to see but the piece was strong without them. Occasionally, just occasionally, the meaning was lost in some of the lines because of the language you used but that was a minor flaw. Good work.

Omega u did the damn thang wid this one. frum the first line to the last line this piece was dope. u had excellent imagery excellent metaphors and wordplay in it and u had nuthin but nice lines. this piece was just overall dope

can u rtf by checking out my OM losing my Love

Nice piece Omega. I like your style here. Alot have attempted this style but haven't done it well. You had it on point with your flow, vocab, diction could have been a bit better. As alot of writers can. The structure was good and I like that you used multi's as well. Rhyme scheme was ok but it could have been better. Good work man. Keep writing.

thanks peep i will RTF on the links in your sigs!.

nice shit... good vocab and imagery used i liked this peice :) keep it up

I can't say I was feeling it. The rhythm seemed to be off. It just didn't flow off the tongue well. There were a couple awkward rhymes too. While I felt it had potential, I don't think it could have been great. The concept just wasn't new and fresh enough, so you started off restricting yourself. At best, the concept could have made a decent piece. Try to write something on a topic that you'd never seen anyone touch or even come close too. Some brand new feeling shit.

Wow! I really enjoyed reading this piece. You did a really good job with the imagery… you really didn’t need that picture before the text to show who and what point you were trying to get across. There are quite of few lines worth mentioning…

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Omega.

Her tears shed like rain but crash hard like the ocean
Her emotions ripple away in a sudden rush with no sense of devotion
caused a cummotion, her eye's wander in curiousity
She crumbles like lost gravity, hitting the ground with such velocity

---

Your first line is what caught my attention of these 4 lines. The imagery here was nice.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Omega.

married to the eye's of tearony, she see's her own
crossed paths of a mirrored game, she hides to seek from her own clone
chrome, a life of neon and a pint of home
Yet the bloodied tears still rapidly descend into a pint of home all alone

---

Your first second line in the first bar could’ve been worded better to make it flow… regardless, it was a nice metaphor.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Omega.

Words mumble and stumble to make-out a perfect picture of hated Lust
Brushed, like a pinacle center from a sudden rush

---

I just liked how this sounded and flowed

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Omega.

Shaked, moved as her emotion burn all of her mistakes
She leaps and plunges to her death, which is always remembered as the leap of faith

---

I don’t know about anyone else but this got me thinking of a scene in “13 ghosts”

Overall this piece was an ill read. Definitely keep writing.

thanks my dude!....really appreciated!

nice ideeas, nice flow
keep writin so we have smt 2 read & enjoy

I agree with everyone above, very intense, and well written. A bit sketchy at places, with things not flowing so well, but the vocab was on point, the multis and metas were good. and it all seemed to come together to makes sense and give you a saddened feeling for this girl.

You've done a good job with this piece, hope to see you keep dropping.

This was quite good. The vocab was pretty good in this and assisted in grasping the readers attention. The rhymeschem was good and stable enough to allow me to easily rhyme to the piece. Multiples were thier but could have been added in more parts of the piece. Lastly, this was a good piece it's just a shame that the competition this was written for is over.

word thanks my dude..

but on RV ima make a new topical league and me and mystic chaos are gonna run it so word up

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Omega.

word thanks my dude..

but on RV ima make a new topical league and me and mystic chaos are gonna run it so word up

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I might join it, don't know yet, holla when it's set up.

will do or i might just ask you to run it if you'd like ya know...so if ya wanna run it with me and chaos let me know.