Silence Of The Gods Ft. Pakeveli

Xtreme Malice
Pakeveli-Italic


Silence Of The Wolf God

(One With Myself)
In my sorrow I’m drowning, I’m all alone, my surroundings
Of darkness, silence, reflection, even so its astounding
Voiced the echoes reminant, courses of speckles amazement
Dust the settles arrangement, restless souls lie impatient

The dusty particles that sieved drive my mind livid in pain
I gain to attain though this sordid dearth that havocs the earth
Environments of mysterious environs placate the scathed place
Disgrace rips apart the vines of peace, how shall the soul placate

(The Creature Approaches)
Silver streaks through the trees, upon the leafs of the breeze
Paws pressed to the soil, claws seemingly brief and un-seen
Creep'n with ease, stealthily moving, in seek of the pleased
Rich in its reads, steps cause prints to seep in the weeds

The lissom creature treads on weeds of past plants and grieves
Then moves and heaves through the leaves, chews at fresh beeves
The streaked face arrogantly stares upon the dented craters that shine
The lights dance as dances the creature whose soul & flesh are entwined

(No Visual...It Draws Near) Dense and present, immense, this suspenseful presence
Since the sense has lessen'd, I smell it's stench its essence
Fear drenched affection, no peers or hints direction
Sear lift I’m left with, veered in and left prints

My fear reaches a point that daunts and vibes with dissatisfaction
The faction of thoughts in traction, the attraction of petrifaction
Yet it is not fossils but sprays of warm air that wash behind me
Me the adversary being treated with curiosity, to see the relativity


(I See.....A Sight Worth While) Drown the thoughts, found to shock, I’m proud in spots
Bound in dark, hound or not, brave down in locks
Coated even, such a poster that no impostor should wander
Just quietness, lone surroundings, and listen, its such an honor

Listen do not speak and feel the peak of Gods as they seek
Seek to speak and feel the sleek coat of armour that I wear
Tear at the vicious images that pronounce fear in men so weak
I am an embodiment of speech listen with care to how you shall fair

(..Silence..)

"Let Us Be Silent, That We May Hear The Whispers Of The Gods"-Emerson.

Links:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...50#post4749550
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=302567

Very well done, celebrate another WV colab.. :2thumb:

The repetitiveness of your awkwardly chosen big words is exhausting... It's like you're trying to prove with every line you have a thesaurus out for every simpler and probably better sounding word choice...

I've never liked pieces that carry on like this line after line, believe me, this should not impress any good writers, it may impress the stupid kids on this site, but you've gotta move on from this phase of writing, my brotha...

Using simpler words doesn't make you stupid. It establishes an easier communication with your audience... you need to be able to keep someone into your story without losing them with exhausting tales and big words... Here's an excerpt of some of your word choices, you tell me how often you hear them in actual music, especially in one song.... Hopefully you see what i mean and correct this all-too-common flaw in your writing. A LOT of people do this. You probably will initially disagree with me about this, but you'll reform or continue to write terribly.

Quote:

---

reminant , speckles , arrangement , dusty particles , sieved , livid in pain(tough to actually be livid in pain...) , claws seemingly brief and un-seen , lissom , fresh beeves , sordid death , Environments of mysterious environs placate the scathed place (that entire line is exhausting) , The faction of thoughts in traction, the attraction of petrifaction (again)

---

The last two quartets are much better to me than the rest of this. But maybe you'll see what I'm talking about here...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Engivale

The repetitiveness of your awkwardly chosen big words is exhausting... It's like you're trying to prove with every line you have a thesaurus out for every simpler and probably better sounding word choice...

I've never liked pieces that carry on like this line after line, believe me, this should not impress any good writers, it may impress the stupid kids on this site, but you've gotta move on from this phase of writing, my brotha...

Using simpler words doesn't make you stupid. It establishes an easier communication with your audience... you need to be able to keep someone into your story without losing them with exhausting tales and big words... Here's an excerpt of some of your word choices, you tell me how often you hear them in actual music, especially in one song.... Hopefully you see what i mean and correct this all-too-common flaw in your writing. A LOT of people do this. You probably will initially disagree with me about this, but you'll reform or continue to write terribly.



The last two quartets are much better to me than the rest of this. But maybe you'll see what I'm talking about here...

---

I accept your anthology of my writing and my use of BIG words, it is not of everyones taste no..I will niether agree nor disagree with you as it is not the writing but the reader and his opinion/view. Lastly, the only time i use these BIG words is when the shorter or should i say more easy word would ruin the structure of my verse...

Quote:

---

Environments of mysterious environs placate the scathed place (that entire line is exhausting) , The faction of thoughts in traction, the attraction of petrifaction (again)

---

Environments of mysterious environs placate the scathed place
I could not say
Environments of mysterious neighbourhoods heal the hurt place
as that would have ruined the flow and parts of extended alliteration.

The faction of thoughts in traction, the attraction of petrifaction
AS for this
The group of thoughts in grip, the attraction to fossils
AS you can see it not only ruins the flow but also the structure.

Lastly, i want to clear your misunderstanding, when writing the use of a thesauras is not on my mind as it would clash with the neccasaity of my ideas flwoing. When i use a big word, it comes naturally as an auto replacement for an inadequate word.
.
.
I hope you understand what i'm saying and maybe understand that i want writers to be able to read the higher vocabulary i use. I'm not catering to young children.

I'm not trying to say that I don't understand the vocabulary, or that you had to have a thesaurus for the words you used. Of course they probably came naturally to you. All i'm saying, is when I try to sing your verses out loud, they sound very unnatural. This isn't so much a song, to me, as it poetry, or a story even written in prose... That's why I say that you wouldn't hear a lot of this in a song, it draws out the syllables in many of your lines and tends to lose rhythm constantly, though the language is deep and very educated...

That's what I'm sayin, really.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Engivale

I'm not trying to say that I don't understand the vocabulary, or that you had to have a thesaurus for the words you used. Of course they probably came naturally to you. All i'm saying, is when I try to sing your verses out loud, they sound very unnatural. This isn't so much a song, to me, as it poetry, or a story even written in prose... That's why I say that you wouldn't hear a lot of this in a song, it draws out the syllables in many of your lines and tends to lose rhythm constantly, though the language is deep and very educated...

That's what I'm sayin, really.

---

I admit, i do not sing out my verses, but then again flow is but the speech of one man..everyone flows differently to me the words come off the tip of my tounge...but yes, your comments are highly appreciated.

Agreed.

to be honest, i liked this, the verses seemed to go nice with me, this flowed beautifully for me

Listen do not speak and feel the peak of Gods as they seek
Seek to speak and feel the sleek coat of armour that I wear
Tear at the vicious images that pronounce fear in men so weak
I am an embodiment of speech listen with care to how you shall fair

one tip maybe just take a few words out some of the verses, just here and there, just to complete the flow as some of it was a little off, but apart from that, goodjob!

Thanks the comments were preciated

Painfully awkward wording here. I mean the diction was horrible due to this, really Diction has everything to do with how words are grouped, forcing your languague to fit your scheme is not the way it's done. Basically reverse engineering a peice only makes it synthetic and awkward in the read. You can always tell a verse that was written with scheme and diction in mind and one that was forced together without caution. You can choose to ignore my comments or chalk them up to opionion, but trust me you are hurting your art more than anything else by doing that.

you'll never get over that hump in your writting until you realize this...

WEll what can i say, personally i don't see the diction falws in my work but like i said to Evingale, i understand what your saying and will make sure of it in my next piece...preciate the comments and stay up.

I didnt like the way the voacb was forced. Just as bounce said. The wording in this was decent. Diction really fucked with the word scheme. I liked the way you actually put this together though. It was really creative.

-mc mystique

Preciated na mean

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Pakaveli

WEll what can i say, personally i don't see the diction falws in my work but like i said to Evingale, i understand what your saying and will make sure of it in my next piece...preciate the comments and stay up.

---

that is because it's forced, you don't fully understand how diction works for you in a peice, so ofcourse you won't see it yourself. If you had a better understanding of language and how to blend words together in a verse, then you wouldn't force them in the first place. I've had numerous students tell me the same thing in my poetry classes way back. I asked them to hold back from using thesourases and had them only use terms recalled from literature asingments I gave them. Unless they could show me in passage the use of a word I quesioned, they wouldnot get credit for the assignment. Eventually they turned it around in a major way. Cliff notes can only get you so far, as I told them...

I don't use a thesauraus...but yeah i see what ya mean and belive me i'll try and sort it out in my works an mean

this was a real dope piece.
i was feelin Paks verse more tho.
he had excellent wordplay
nice metaphors n everything
X u had nice verse also
it just felt like it was missin sumthin

Preciate the comments thanks.

no problem man keep up the good pieces

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JustinCavalawno

no problem man keep up the good pieces

---

This one didn't turn out as good as it could have but yeah no doubt, the pieces gonna roll

well.......overall i thought this was decent. i thought the storyline and how you guys went bars for bars was a positive aspect. there were a few flaws in the flow but w/e. people have left pretty much all serious feedback but all i really gotta say is nice work. its art and art is only bound by creativity.

thanks preciate it na mean

This was a very beautiful piece. Imagery showed through greatly on this. I really enjoyed reading it. The vocabulary of it was also very good. The structure was good. Everything in it was basically good. The ending of it just left a mark. The multi's were there. This piece was just very good. I'm actually going to think hard about nominating it. Great work.

all the kids loved it and the grown ups saw it's flaws. As it should be... the less minded are more impressed by the diction...

Listen to me and that other guy... the others are fools... I mean, they may enjoy writing, but everybody can't be good at it, and that may include you... People are born with the gift to write, and it's rare that it is an exceptional talent for writing rather than general...

You may be trying to incorporate too much of what you've read and see as meaningful writing or use of language.

You know you don't have to call me a fool because I didn't pay attention to the diction as much. Pakaveli, I like this piece. Yes maybe some things may have been forced but I still enjoyed the read, As I said before, good work and keep writing.

Believei'm listening to both parties...people who enojy reading it, i thank them and the critiques i get i am happy to get them, this is not my best piece therefore to judge me as a writer on one piece would be unjust but believe me, i understand and know what mistakes i've made in this...Lastly, i thank all responders wether that be to give my praise or constructive criticsm.Thanks.

I'm just going off of the works I've seen from you, there is always that forced awkward feeling to them. This peice just has more of it, so I thought I'd point it out.

The reason I am starting to get tough on you is an obvious one. Ask any of the numerous writers I've helped elevate here, I did the same with them. If I care, then you can expect me to be brutally honest and concerned in your threads. If I don;t care, you won't see me in your threads, plain and simple. I want to see you in SS next seasson, so I took it upon myself to give you a crash course in the advanced writting components, rather than let you figure it out all on your own.

Right now you are not even close to competing at SS levels for next season, but if you follow my lead and really apply yourself now, I can garentee you will be ready for SS by the time it rolls around. First thing I do is break the writers confidence in his work, why? If the writer thinks his work is dope or flawless then he will never blossom into a truely recognized writer here. Once that shock and awe is done and the person accepts the help, it's eaiser to point them in the right direction. I've done it here countless times. Some cry and bitch and struggle to elevate, others welcome it and it reflects in their strides of elevation.

I know you can be a good writer, right now you are borderline... If you want the help, I'm here for you... (I don't just pick on anyone, I have a method to the madness...)

ima sucker for collabos...yall did good man. The big word thing, yea dukes kinda right, you just threw some them words in there in my opinion. Otherwise, i liked the simple type flow, and multi's here and there...good read yall, keep droppin. the skys the limit.

8.5...good shit.

Completely agree with bounce. Because at the core I see a good writer. If I truly hated this or disregarded, would never have posted. Sorry if also I am being very honest and critical.

By the way, bravo on the mature way you've handled the criticism. I am more impressed by that then the piece at this point.

yeah nice lil quick read. had a somewhat summery feel to it. the inagery being of the naturistic kind. which was quite pleasant to visualize////// had some good poetic touches. both flows wasnice.. structure was coo.... lots of good rhymes in n out......

moulded well as one........ vocab was used and worded well

yep all in all tite write

1

preciate the comments and yeah i like hponest comments so when ya give me honest comments believe me i listen to em..