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As The Wolf Howl's.
As The Wolf Howl's.
By: Infamouz
The clock strike's midnight, as I rest peaceful in bed.
Wonderin what lie's ahead, but I hear howl's instead.
Not as harmful, but to whom I know they will not pierce.
He stop's for a second of time, then continue's more fierce.
The wolf howl's wilderly, as the clock is still at midnight.
& Wonder what goe's through his mind, as he seek's a fight.
The mooon's light, is seen on the tip of the howling point.
There is sometime's no presence to seek what he has joined.
All sound's have stopped, as the Wolf proceed's forward.
Seeking war lord, whom know's as he is strive's toward.
You can hear his breathing getting closer as he proceed's.
For indeed, the Wolf is angry not knowing what he need's.
He smell's someone bleed, so that is what he is lead too.
As the wolf see's what he was in search of, a wild wind blew.
The man who has bled is petrified, with fear in his eye's.
Knowing he is going to die, he watche's the wolf as he crie's.
The wolf strike's fiercely with out hestinant or remorse.
Strive's on course, the man just give's up, for he has no force.
The wolf is pleased with satisfaction, so he take's his vowel.
Thy sha'll, not be in his way when the Wolf has Howled..
The Wolf howling at midnight..
http://img1.imagetitan.com/img1/1/21/wolf1.jpg
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Okay as you said, this is your 3rd topical, but you have talent dude, alot of potential... Good things first, your rhyme scheme wasn't as basic as i had enticipated , it was actually fairly origionally done, your line length and structure was well done & showed you can mentain a good flow... your topic choice was pretty good, interesting, yet good. moving on to things that can be improved, i would have liekd tos ee more metaphors and similies within the piece, some of the lines could have been heavilly re-worded, i felt you went for a more poetic style, and i liked that, but if that's the style your going to take upon yourself your going to have to work on the wording dude... i noticed you put 'thy shall' near the end, that itself is a major 18th century poetry choice of wording, i understand you were trying to go for a more intelligent piece, and i apreciate that, but if just one scentance is int hat style, it could work to your advantage if you made the whole thing liek that, it would show great interlect and thought into your work, i don't feel you spent that much time on this, and that's why to the eyes first glance it may seemed incomplete... But remember your writing for an audience, so you need to place aspects into your pieces that show that your writing for a mass audience, things sucha s imagery you have a grasp of, but metaphors could literally bring your words to life!... for example, instead of 'The mooon's light' maybe something alike... darkness's source of light. Anyone who knows anything about poetic wording will grasp that metaphor and understand it fully... It was a bad example but hopefully you get the point!... imagery is a MAJOY factor of enjoyment in a piece, if you can make the reader feel the exact feeling your trying to portray you have succeeded iny uor mission... i personally didn't feel this from the piece, but as i said, i thinky uo have alot of potential and i urge you to keep going with this, the biggest advise i can give you is to look at other people work and recognise the styles they have used, then adapt their styles into yours to bring your writng to it's maximum strength... And if you need any help, don't hesitate to pm me about it dude, i'm more than happy to help a writer with natural ability to adapt his pieces. well done man, this is a good start.
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Thank you alot. I hope this will bring out more of a better piece from me. I will take all of that advice & use it all. I will also read other piece's also to adapt to them as you said. Thank's & I did'nt really put much into this piece. I put the most of a 25 minute's time in it. I will take my time next time so I can get a better understanding out of it. But I'm glad to see I have poential In my writting. Thank's again for the advice.
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hmmm i somewhat enjoyed this piece...it was a tad bit above decent..the subject caught me immediately which is always good. The vocab was great, it was good enough to enhance the emotion yet not over the top where you need a dictionary to comprehend. One thing I think that could've made this alot better though was your flow at some points..maybe you could add some internal multi's and rhyme off more than 1 syllable..context is just one part of a good piece, the flow is just as important cause it helps keep the reader hooked to your drop..you definitely have the potential to become a great writer..so keep elevating, and continue writing...ONE!
please return the favor:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=299352
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This was a good attempt at creating a very good otopical. However, i reckon the main problems came when your rhymes became to simple or repetitive, not saying that's bad jbut i don't know it just made it awkard at times. Emotion was there as in a different type of emotion not the weep weep one na mean lol. I liked the whole layout and structure as well, that was done very well. All i can say is in your next topical try talking in indirect metaphors, it helps.
Anyway, can ya check the link below, thanks
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=299351
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this was a different peice... but in a good way... it was an enjoyable read man, keep up the great work. the topic was selected well and the flow and structure of the peice didnt fall apart either. not a 10/10 presence of vocab but i still think there was about a 8/10 presence there, but it was still an excelent selection of vocabulary, and sometimes less vocab is necessary, and this peice is a prime example. well done.
if you could, could you return the favor and leave some feed on my open mics, peace out and cheers man.
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The piece was very boring for me, very Hemingway, in a slowly analyze everything type of way. For one, stop using so many camas because you're really distancing the content from it's status as present day when you do that, because the reader loses touch with the material... and eventually everything will being to fall apart. Flow, again, the camas really made the flow fall off, and then lended to the boring read. The concept, seemed like it would be really cool just judging by the title, because I was assuming very deeply poetic content and line formation... But I got this series of sequence that really didn't add up to much of an event. Didn't really like it.
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this was a very awsome piece and very good rhymes
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good story tellin. nice flow. made it look as though it was easy, rhymes were sorta basic but came out well. i mean toward the end it was gettin basic then it got back to its original form.
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Thank's eveyone & Myself. This is my 4th om so i'm still doing this to feel more of a topical feeling. I will take all your advice too. & I will leave feed in a bit ok everyone.
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Wordplay: 9
Flow: 9
Sturctre: 9
Creativity: 10
Metaphores: 9
Story: 10
Overall this was a pretty dope peaice man..Keep it up.
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