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A World Without Love
A World Without Lovehttp://img211.imageshack.us/img211/8416/sadgirl6mr.jpg
One night I was dreaming in my bed fast asleep
Tossed and turned as I cried, hugged my knees in a heap
Cuz the vision I saw was too vile to repeat
Bit it needs to be shared so beware, here's the scene:
As I opened my eyes I woke up to the screaming
Of the shrieking and crying of some dying being
Stood up to help then realized that I didn't care
Lay back down, propped my head, breathed the stale city air
Flipped on a TV, turned it to channel three
Grabbed the paper, half of which was obituaries
Nothing mentioned on births, nothing written of battle
Just a column that Nasdaq "fell into the saddle"
As I turned on my iPod I scrolled to my playlists
"Love Songs" was gone and replaced by a "Hate Mix"
The flowers in my window were wilted and fading
The sun shined and seemed ghastly and aggravating
A red paper heart that my neice sent with love
Was now nothing more than I lump that pumps blood
I found myself thinking of nothing specific
While my poetry magnets seemed to wax scientific
Cuz you see without love there's nothing to vie for
Nothing to live for, breathe for, or die for
There is no celebration cuz nothing excites
And once happy couples spend cold, separate nights
There is nothing called beauty, sunsets get ignored
Babies are abandoned and money's abhorred
No sounds of music, no pictures of bliss
No hugging, no romance, no "true love's first kiss"
A tear's just for pain, a sonnet's just for reading
There's no dancing through rain and no task worth completing
The poor are left homeless, only souls are on shoes
No motivation to win, expectation to lose
I ran with a passion that most found apalling
Unique motivation throughout tripping and falling
On a journey for love and a mission for desire
To help inspire these hopeless to seek something higher
But everywhere I looked, it was a reflection
Of the desolate grime and the horrid defection
Down on my knees I cried out, in desparation
"Is there any love in this hate twisted nation?"
And then I awoke, tears cascading down
As I prayed that this fate could be twisted around
And that we would see all this damage inflicted
And make pacts of love as each heart is convicted
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IMO-this was a nice peice of work, good flow throughout, i like tha topic, good imagery, keep up
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I agree with JC. This was a beautiful piece. It dont get
much bettter then that. You had a good flow and structure
thoughout the whole thing. The imegry and wording was amazing.
Creative as fuck. Although you told me to read it, the creativity
pulled me into the story and forced me to keep reading. Overall
this was a very good read. This is why i have you in my crew as topical. :2thumb:
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This was a deep peice..i felt the emotion throughout
flow was nice constantly the whole way through
rhymes were good overall.....imagery was nice
good vocab and overall this was very good
good job man..keep it up..
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Damn
I like how you went into the visual of what was taking place. Some of the actions you did didnt really matter like when you heard someone dieing but you didnt care,its like a waste of lines there. You need to flip your lines more 'n use oppisites,wich you did in 1 line when you had your ipod. Those are the kinda lines that make a good OM. I liked this one in paticular alot beacuase it had feeling 'n the reader could know how the person felt in the actions that were taking place.Nice job
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this was a really nice peice of work....nice structure and i liked how you like introduced us into the story....the actions you said wer worded greatly .....your ryme scheme wasnt the best but it was ok...the lines flowed well and were not stretched it was very consistent...u had great imagary and it was really creative.. i had a really good picture of the story in ma head and shit i also felt what the dude in the poem felt..... overall this was a very good peice u got potential keep writing
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nice peice here,I really liked reading it.You had lots of good parts in this OM.Your imagery was very good and I felt that the picture went very well with what you were writing about,props on adding that. your structure was good,but still could be improved quite a bit to make your peice flow better and make it easier to read.......your emotion is what stuck out the most to me in this peice,vocab was fine and I liked the storyline,keep at it.nice peice.
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thanks for all of the useful feed, uppin
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yo this peice was ill as hell one of the best om's iv'e seen first off the best thing in it was imagery amazing by the way extremly creative good topic really interested me and kept me reading throughout the whole thing the flow and wordplay was tight each line comes out perfectly no errors in this at all also the vocab in this was good and the emotion was perfect keep droppin
leave feed on the om in my sig
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This piece was pure fire...reminds me of one of my pieces
where you make the reader want to read and wonder
what the next line is going to be...you pulled this off
perfectly...the structure was flawles..only flaw you had
was you could of made the text a tad bit better cuz
it kinda hurt my eyes 2 to read it..but it was so good
i had to keep going...dont stop writing..you have a
craft that very few possess..a talent to capture a reader
i look forward to reading some more of your pieces
good drop
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thanks that really means a lot to me
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This was a good piece, read one of yours after a long time and not let down. I liked the layout i.e. pictue and form. The strcuture was good but could have been better. The verse was quite long and the writing at time strained the eye (or maybe it's cause i haven't still switched on the light lol). The words used were very good even though not highly broad in vocab certain words were obvious emotive triggers and adding them in this piece assisted in making the verses all together much more emotional. Very well done on that and it'll be appreciated if you could spare some comments on my OM, much aprreciated
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=297463
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decent piece... try making the font bigger though, lol
nyways.. lets see here.. the concept is incredibly played out, try thinking of something dope and original but the closing line seemed to make it seem a bit less played out... but you had some nice metaphors in this shit here... the hate mix/ipod line was cool, nasdaq line was cool... but you also need ot have a grasp of the vocab you use.. for instance when you said magent scientific or something like that, it didnt really make sense... just try and master the concept of the word before you putit into context. some of yopur vocabulary was decent, however, in the thrid verse it all made perfect sense. imagery was pretty decent as well and the emotion was top notch.. try straitgening out your rhyme scheme,,, make it multisyllabic and remember, please think up some original topics, that is the main problem these days. weak topics. This was a rpetty cool piece though
sorry for all the speliing errors. im tired
hit up "savior serum?" thank you
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I've never seen this topic before so I didn't know but thnaks, and wax scientific means go on and on talking about scientific things which is the opposite of poetry, but thanks for the feed
