"As Seen on TV!"

Come on! Lets go!

Tiptoe the scars of broken men
and women, roll the stones real hard;
Hold your breath when your leg
Is kissed by giggling claymores before
you even settle in to take your mark.

Yes, I got a 10!

After they amputate your decaying
limb it's time to skip into place.
Puddle jumping in blood until
medics intervene with morphine
quills to fill her up with samba's
while Hobbs Scotch kills her brain.

The racing of one's desire overtakes
a game of double dutch conspired
in shaky grips of swinging razorwire.
Cops and robbers is not the same:
I'll be Rodney King under the swings
resisting arrest; when you contest
Que applaus
.... and we'll all sing in sweet regret.

King of the hill, last to the head
of the ash pile is a rotten egg!
As each step leaves black
lungs while the fires rise higher
amongst the bodies black stack;
Listen to them hack the whole
way to the maypole's crimson
back, still glistening in the flames
............. cackling glycerol laugh.

The playground isn't safety proofed;
Razorblades replacing plastic hoops.
We are as seen on Tv screens
with green fatigues and battered
beliefs patterning preteen routines.
There are no monkeys, our arms
bleed from being strung on guerilla bars
and bloody scenes hung from media stars.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=294510
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=293708

This was a weird piece. I felt the emotion, and the cleverness in it, but I quite didn't grasp the concept. I read it again, and I felt what you were trying to get it. I liked your metaphors, and your visualization throughout the whole piece, and it was nice and sophisticated. Your rhyme scheme was nice, and it played out through the piece.

I liked this one.

Nice job.

It was just kind of expressing the effects Tv has on youth in terms of showing coverage of wars and travesties. Thanks for the feedback man.

A very interesting piece, on a rare subject, your piece really explained how TV basically rots your mind...I felt this was a deep piece in a way...Your rhymes were very nice, and you had good vocab, it all flowed very well...


The racing of one's desire overtakes
a game of double dutch conspired
in shaky grips of swinging razorwire.
Cops and robbers is not the same:
I'll be Rodney King under the swings
resisting arrest; when you contest
Que applaus
.... and we'll all sing in sweet regret.

^my favorite part...

you were really creative and you kept my attention...this was a great piece...good drop man...


If you could return the favor...
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=295280
thanks

This is the best piece ive seen from you, atticus. Metaphores were great, it had emotion and was fun to read. keep it up man

Yea, a little weird, but atleast its not played, liked the flow, but wasent fellin the set up, liked the concept, had good lines and rymes, A good read

Not sure what you mean when you say 'set up,' Structure, maybe? Thanks for the feedback though.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Exact

This was a weird piece.

---

I agree with that for real. i liked it though. it seemed really emotional and heavenly. if you can understand what i mean with that. but this piece seemed really poetic and thats real original in OM. it takes a real masterpiece to open everyones eyes and I think that was met with this piece. keep droppin son. got my eye on you. for real.

-Peace.

peep my collab wit cassidy.

Atticus, leave feed on "Silence in the Grove"

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=295532

Atticus, correct?

I didn't understand the concept on first read. When I read your explanation it did become more obvious. The imagery you used was very clever... very poetic. Your poems are never boring, always presented in a unique way with original content. This was no exception.

Quote:

---

There are no monkeys, our arms
bleed from being strung on guerilla bars
and bloody scenes hung from media stars.

---

I quite liked how you chose to end this piece. The wordplay of sorts with the monkey bars becoming instead 'guerilla' bars was very representative of your theme, and obviously creative.

Thnx for the read, I thoroughly enjoyed this. You need to stop changing names though... I can barely keep up!

Thought I'd be cool & edit in a link... Water Under the Bridge

Lmao, I changed it twice, but I'll be sticking with this one. I just hit all the links, thanks for the feedback everyone.

upppin and so forht and everything and all the way and yeah

Not bad, some pretty serious moments in there. You made it seem like one part was layed back then the next paragraph you got serious and went more realistic with the words. Way more emotional on this Poem in my opinion. That's a good thing, you had a short piece and kept me into the topic. Nice job with the storyline as well, well actually you always have a good storyline. overall nice job and keep writtin.
-paranoid

*sigh*

... Upping

This was very...abstract. I found your flow to be very awkward throughout, but I managed to get through it. Your shining points were really your usage of figurative language with your metaphors and vivid descriptions as seen on television. Some of the stanzas were mad awkward, like I didn't know where you were going at all, but this was alright.

Hmmm....WEll another thought provoking piece. It's good to see you Wrapping the true meaning of what your trying to say by using imagery. I haven't done that for a while and reading this piece makes me want to start using metas again. The starting was a little awkard as a rhymecheme was hastly disregarded but reading throughout showed more of a "Evil in Innocense" type of thing, na mean, like the hop scotch and then the torn limbs. It was very interesting. I liked the language it provided a good scaffold to this piece of art.
Overall, a very interesting and provacative piece, though only true poets will appreciate it. AS not all people look for/understand hidden imageries.

Ya, typically only people who've written poetry at one time or another can follow my flow aswell. If you read by punctuation rather than searching sentance fragment to sentance fragment for a difinitive rhyme scheme you wont find one. Just sit back and read by punctuation, it should all flow right off your tongue. Thanks for the feedback you two.

For all of you who thought it was weird you didn't read it right... this piece was difficult to comprehend in only the mind of an idiot... You clearly expressed that you know what you're doing and flawlessly showed off your skills in this piece... although i am not a big fan of the rhyme scheme u chose and the lack of multis, the flow was beautiful and the structure was exact. Although I am more of a fan for the longer bars, your short lines were quick and to the point.. the metaphores were wonderful in this piece, and the imagry was all strung out very nicely... i like the topic, never really seen one quite like it before, and that's saying alot because it's hard to get very original anymore... storytelling and plot was okay but i dont think it was one of those kinds of pieces... all in all a very nice piece... thanks for the feed on my OM and ima keep an eye out 4 more of ur shit..

PS-

Quote:

---

We are as seen on Tv screens
with green fatigues and battered
beliefs patterning preteen routines.

---

that was simply genious^

lol@me thinking that I was going to enter this thread and pick bits and pieces of my favorite parts to quote. How wrong was I?.... This entire post was a quotable from top to bottom. Absolutely flawless in my opinion - and I'm not the type of cat shine pipe, but seriously your the shit for this one, a big heep of fly invested monkey shit, covered in magets....smell me? You really ran a muck with this one...raw emotion, insane metaphores and the most random and unpredicable rhyme scheme I've seen in a while. All in all I'd have to say that this piece was not only one of the illest I've peeped in some time but also one of the most creative and refreshing political drops to date (IMO). Poetry at its rawest, hiphop at its finest, Myself!...Damn!

This wa nice kept at your point and it had flow. It was nasty when you turned the pace into a metaforical one and then back into a vocab part. It was fun to read and you just kept going at it and over again.


Favorite part was

After they amputate your decaying
limb it's time to skip into place.
Puddle jumping in blood until
medics intervene with morphine
quills to fill her up with samba's
while Hobbs Scotch kills her brain.



This part was very clever

The playground isn't safety proofed;
Razorblades replacing plastic hoops.
We are as seen on Tv screens
with green fatigues and battered
beliefs patterning preteen routines.
There are no monkeys, our arms
bleed from being strung on guerilla bars
and bloody scenes hung from media stars.

^^and a nice closer after a verse like that nice job.

Hit up my OM in my sig

Hey thanks for all the feedback, sorry I havent been around to get to those favors yet... I'll do my best to respond to those links by the end of the day.

Fuck, no more feedback?

*shakes head*

interesting... nice shyt.. well put together.. creative.. open mics should b like this... jus flowing to topics that get people into reading it.. good job keep it up.. check out my sig

Thanks for the feedback.

Bump...

Once again, your imagery through metaphors and descriptive language really stood out to me as always, you really do have a talent to bring words to life so vividly... then apart from that you pretty much suck. Joking lol... See i'm not line length-ist... so iw on't be meen about your line length :)... i thought the structure was actually really well put together... i disagree with niques comment of 'bad flow' kind of thing, because it was complex but i found it fairly easy of the tongue actually... as always very poetic, you know i love this... your vocabulary was used effectively, complex at times then simple in others, which you got a nice contrast with, the actual topic was actually really good, you always use your topics for a deeper message, sometimes this can be abnnoying about your work as i have to bother to read it REALLY slowly to grasp all the levels of the piece, but the poetic side of me really likes that. well done fucker.

This really reminded me of something easily found in slam poetry..from the rhyme scheme to the topic. It really drilled my brain but in the end, it turned out very thought provoking. Your imagery in this was excellent, especially getting near the end. Also your vocabulary was strong. I read this two times, the first time I was having trouble with your flow but after reading what you said to go by punctuation, I re-read it and had a much smoother read. This was overall a very strong and solid piece, and I look forward to seeing more from you. Keep writing..ONE!

Well this was a very original weird distinctive piece. It had alot of emotion in it also. Nice title, it was very original. Sometime's it will throw the reader off depending on the topic choosen but not this one in specific. You had some good vocab & metaphor's which lead this to a consistent read. Flow was also nice, pretty consistent. Overall nice piece.

Thanks for the feedback.

I loved the concept, very original take on something writers attempt all the time. I think the poetic mechanics used in this peice set this apart from the rest though. Abstract kind of feel without the random or obscure references most abstract work focuses around. Short and simple, yet complex, well written, deep and informative. Different, which is always nice to come across. I just couldn't spit this outloud, the flow is not audio friendly, for me atleast and I can spit mad amounts of syllables a bar. Just couldn't do this to any conventional type track. Spoken word maybe, but this was more poetic than the typical OM's we see aroud here....

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Myself

It was just kind of expressing the effects Tv has on youth in terms of showing coverage of wars and travesties. Thanks for the feedback man.

---

Ok, I was kina thinking the samething.

Nice drop here like the way you set
everything up and gave good examples
using an awkward style of approach.

Quote:

---

Hold your breath when your leg
Is kissed by giggling claymores before
you even settle in to take your mark.

---

Quote:

---

After they amputate your decaying
limb it's time to skip into place.
Puddle jumping in blood until
medics intervene with morphine

---

Just some lines that stood out to me the
most because of the content, as well
as imagery. Abstract piece here.

In other words weird however good drop.
Like the style.


Keep writing.

Wow i know it's already been said but this was uhhh......weird lol i think your starting to get a little bit too creative and unique w/ your rhyme scheme. i loved the detailed descriptions though, metaphors, word choice. i had to read and reread a few times to understand the concept but i THINK i finally got it lol anyway this isn't the best i've seen from you but still dope, nice read

omg!!!! i understand the rhyme scheme!!!!! yaaaay.......

sorry about that :)

huh?


sorta my first reaction took more then 2 reading to kinda grasp ur concept and all emotion was there thats a plus structure and flow were kinda off had me tryin to figure things out ever now and then...
good usage of meta and wordplay gave it distinctiveness nothing that made it basic wich always makes better for a reador

not a bad piece but im sure with the way u dropped this u can have better...imagery and creativity were strong for the simple fact that this has been something that i havent seen atleast to my knowledge...

like i said family not good but definitly not bad


keep droppin and ill be lookin foward to more of ur work

giggling claymores...i knew i was gon like this piece when i
read that shit...and i wasnt dissapointed...this was nice...
flowz right...original concept...you got some gud imagery...
the first half was my fav...but the piece is nice all over...
nice read...you got some skillz...peace

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