day dreaming

tedious work can leave us feeling it hurts
at first its not an issue but it slowly gets worse
not allowed to converse your mind goes berzerk
then your time on the line is turned to a curse
you thirst for freedom until reality's reversed
then youre submerged in a world of illusion
a man made escapade to blind us from being human
a domain of your choosing to block out your shift
yea day dreaming's the reason that factories exist

but listen to this...

i clocked on at six without a minute to miss
just a name on a list, a machine thats breathing
by quater past id started to drift into dreaming
deceiving myself to get rid of my demons
until the 10 o clock break made my day real and...
i realised the guy next to me wasnt breathing
he was leaning, sorta kneeling covered in blood
when i fell asleep i slipped, hit the switch where i stood
if i could id turn back the clock and press stop
instead he's dead cos REM got me caught in a plot
his life got cropped short, aborted by my hand
standing in the wrong place cut a man from his fam
now on remand, ive no plans... just a 10 span
damned, im alone, i dont condone by behaviour...
but im hoping an appeal with become my saviour
my mind's been a traitor to my person...
causing hurting, but one things for certain...
im learning to only sleep with drawn curtains
no more diversions, what i seek is reversing the past
i know i cant, but when i get out prozac's what ill ask... for
i dont wanna snore anymore, and shut living doors
one's enough, ive already left too many live's sore



http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=294128
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=294393

Iv'e Never Seen This Topic Done Before Overall It Was Ok, I Really Liked The Opener Good Use Of Words. But After I Got To

Quote:

---

but listen to this...

---

It Got Boring And Mediocre.
Flow Was Very Good And On Point, Structure Was Fine.
But You Need Elevation Like, Complex Words, Metaphores And Wordplay But Overall Ok Job Keep Writing.

Good Luck.

i know im rusty but aint been on in a while, but ill be back in HOF soon enough

thanks

Eh, it was alright. I've seen better from you but it's obviously a dip-your-toe-back-in-the-water piece. Flow was nice, but the story-telling was a little awkward, at points it was kind of meandering. I liked these lines, they gave some muscle to your story's topic.

i clocked on at six without a minute to miss
just a name on a list, a machine thats breathing
by quater past id started to drift into dreaming
deceiving myself to get rid of my demons

causing hurting, but one things for certain...
im learning to only sleep with drawn curtains

Not bad though, looking forward to later OMs from you in the future.

thnx...

yeah this was not bad at all, i havent red any of your other stuff, but i would imagine it would be quite good if you say your a bit rusty, this peice i felt had a good rhyme sceme and you used your wording well, good choice of words, it all fit together quite nicely i thought. the complexity was there, and the i cant really complain about the flow or the structure either.. i can relate to this peice also, i do alot of day dreaming lol.. pretty deep too.

very decent peice man..

8/10 for this effort..

diz

upp...

I liked how it turned out that you killed the guy, so the concept was good - very original.
I thought you lacked in flow a little though

This was def original and the story-line was cool. The intro before "well listen to this" was a good way to start it off. The rhymescheme was cool, but some of the words seemed commonly rhymed so it wasn't all that great. The imagery was decent, nothing exciting or jawdropping tho... i felt like you could have added more emotion cuz it's like you were meant this to be sad but it could actually be somewhat comedy.. lol @ killing someone by accident cuz u daydreamed... or maybe im just sadistic... but yeah overall well done.

return the favor in the link to my sig to my open mic "is it a sin to kill an insect?"

If anyone knows Dev's pieces like I had a chance to know Dev's pieces you'll know that Dev always comes original...An the style you bring is always different...Ive definately seen better from you, but you know what I think I think this topic was refreshing, the title is decieving to the tragedy of the actual story...Welcome back Dev, I just recently did...We should collab again sometime...

nice to hear from you again eleete, hows it going?

????

I didn't really like the piece. It just kind of lacked a sense of authenticity to it, so I never felt like I connected to the story or truely felt engadged in it. I think alot of that had to do with the rhyme scheme. The rhyming just really got on my nerves because it just came off as very humpty dumpty, stop and go old school type of vibe. Stuff like that can work on audio but when I reed it in text for some reason it just becomes so adgitating and I jsut cant focus. Your strong point, clearly, was the storyline and your creativity. It jsut sucked because I liked the content and where everythign was going, but little things like flow and some wording ruind it for me. Sorry man, just didn't like this one like I was feeling the last one I fed. *shrug* I'll keep my eye out for the next one though.

It'd be dope if you could return the favor on my new Om,
In the Shadows of the Livingroom
Thanks alot, I really apreciate it.

i know what you mean about the audio thing, probably right, cos in the last year all ive been doing is recording on my pc, this is one of the first pieces ive put down as an OM in like a year... but... ya know

i thought this was average but you had a great flow
strange topic but i liked it nice

the oppening was good but then u got a little carried away
i loved the idea, its something we all can relate 2...
but i felt it wasn't all that hard hittne and the rhyme scheme wasn't so good
imagrey was their
the story was weird, i didn't feel u put depth in2 it to make the reader want to read more and enjoy it...

Story wasnt to consistant and alot of details and imagry wasnt clearly expressed i understood wat u were dayin but i had to analyze ur piece to get there, the flo also wasnt to consistant and majority of the rhyme was basic, vocab could have been used a lil better, i havnt read ur other pieces but reading the other feeds for a warm up piece this was good.

Plez leave feed on my new OM
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...71#post4534471