The Last Thing I'd do Is

Since all you lil kids keep talking about choppy flow. Read this piece while listening to the song
Boys 2 Men- Ill Make Love 2 You..
if you dont feel like listenin to the song and readin the piece then stfu i dont wanna hear anything from you..Have a nice day :2thumb:

June 1st, 2004
Plans that were thought to be forever and a day
May now lay away since your passing has came
Yet all the same my love as not left your grasp
For that you had asked, and that i shall mass
Were 'pose to last till death, an you made it
So why leave me to feel as if Ive failed this
I am the one left alive, only by gods curse
You first and I feel dred, am I off worse?


May 21st, 2004, 11:30 am
Basking in the ambience of our aromas...
...dead to the world, comas fit correctly
You sit across from me, on red blankets...
...eyes interlocked, and souls matched
Perfectly aligned for our lives to intwine...
...divine thoughts alike, with lives vibes
We'll thrive, an your asking is my doing...
...all while your moving is my following
Lunch prepared for thy one an only love...
...i shall feed it to you with tender touch
You blush, an your cheeks turn rosy red...
...said one trillion times, My Loves Yours


May 21st, 2004, 11:30 pm
The incense of sented candles is carried...
...as the glist of your lingerie excites me
It's your skin tones caramel complexion...
...that waters my mouth, as i gaze upon
Faint music of Boys 2 Men,Ill Make Love...
...along with my tongue, wets ya pussy
Slowly sliding down ya lingerie off of you...
...while ya knees quiver, an you must lay
I climb atop, gently kiss your potent lips...
...perfect tits i caress, sounds you project
Your face tells a million words an I know...
...I pull em down, and start to slide it.......


June 1st, 2004
Memories alone fill me with no more space
Ya existance was worth more then this case
A waist your last day was,with no time spent
Last words werent even expressed,it left dents
In my heart, so I know our last hour wasnt right
A fight, that ended in you leaving in rain at night
I know you saw the swinging card left on the mirror
"Forever and always, Our Love", it caused your error

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=289768

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=289071

I liked the emotion but I'm not too sure about the rhyme scheme, it gets kind of choppy while you're making your point here. I was trying to sing along to a couple different beats with this piece but couldn't ever find a very good rhythm, it's all over the place with where you choose to put you rhymes. Concentrate next time on making every word count instead of carrying lines on too long.

Quote:

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M. Pulse
May 21st, 2004, 11:30 pm
The incense of sented candles is carried...
...as the glist of your lingerie excites me
It's your skin tones caramel complexion...
...that waters my mouth, as i gaze upon
Faint music of Boys 2 Men,Ill Make Love...
...along with my tongue, wets ya pussy
Slowly sliding down ya lingerie off of you...
...while ya knees quiver, an you must lay
I climb atop, gently kiss your potent lips...
...perfect tits i caress, sounds you project
Your face tells a million words an I know...
...I pull em down, and start to slide it.......

---

^^theres ya song to read it to

i read it to the Fort Minor - Believe me, beat. lol. it was good. the end of this was a bit choppy but you REALLY could feel what was going on durring the read. beginning was real good and you introduced it well. very graphic towards the middle, then wording went off. your internals seemed forced and you seemed rushed for time at the end. but it was good nonetheless. loved it. very sad story, and it was sad that she left him but died looking for him. very complex, the storyline in the beginning started off nice and slow. then things got heated. and then you threw the action in. decent read, deffinatly a tum piece.

!Nash

im tellin yall listen to it with the song i posted..

thanks for feed up

I agree this piece was very choppy on flow allot of the lines left dead
I didnt really like the wording too much either... and the very first an
last line were badly presented...

"Plans that were thought to be forever and a day
May now lay away since your passing has came"
^
your first bar didnt evenm rhyme/ Came and Day?

Hmm you put effort in and for that I give you props, but you still got
allot to exceed, pz

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Punisher

I agree this piece was very choppy on flow allot of the lines left dead
I didnt really like the wording too much either... and the very first an
last line were badly presented...

"Plans that were thought to be forever and a day
May now lay away since your passing has came"
^
your first bar didnt evenm rhyme/ Came and Day?

Hmm you put effort in and for that I give you props, but you still got
allot to exceed, pz

---

lol its all about how you read it rofl..i keep telling you kids read it to the song i posted above...here ill put it on the first post rofl

yea true, I mean sometimes my drops can be like that an people are like
it dont have no flow nor rhyme scheamz and shit, but then I say wtf an
I put it down on audio and they say sick flow :spank: uno lol

Anyway you should maybe prove people wrong and hit us with it
on audio coz only then can people say ;-

"yea I see and feel your rhyme pattens"

other wise dunno, maybe you aint an audio emcee, but too me...
If you cant do audio whats the whole point of dropping txt down?

Anyway straight answer duke, whatever keeps you happy
but maybe you could put this on audio or something... holla

i didnt listen to the song but i knew how the beat goes,and id say to the beat the flow and rhyme scheme is fine, even without it,the emotion i felt was good man,the imagery was average could of been slightly better, the vocabulary was also above average,anyways overall with a nice concept and storyline i thought this was pretty solid,your getting better with every piece it seems,keep improving man

thanks up

aight hoes

up

ummm..

lazy bitches

this was a cool read homie. i didnt listen to the song and dont know how the beat goes but i know what u were going for. anyways, this was dope man, lots of emotion. cool vocab and imagery and stuff. the story was nice also. cool shit homie, keep it up. :2thumb:

hit up link in sig, i dont usually do OMs but i did one for a crew battle lol. peace.

really nice peice..i thought it was very creative how you had the times at the top in bold..i was feeling that....strucutre was nice and even..flow was nice and smooth....rhymes were tight and overall this was a very good read..nice job.....keep it up..

up.

nice piece i was feeling it a like you made an om that in some what relates to the beat
vivid imagery a nice piece the only thing i could say that i wish u could have made it longer this piece mad me want to read more....keep it up

feed


forbidden Desire
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=291373

up.

upppppp