"When the Elephant Walks..."

http://img1.imagetitan.com/img1/1/17/wel.jpg

He scares the Bear.

When the Bear runs away...

He scares the Crocodile.

When the Crocodile swims...
on for forty legs of deep miles
and reaches the black hole beaches
of Castro's fully loaded isle few of
our powers can stand to Cuba.
Nuclear muse will sing his strong arm
views to the tune of skip to my lew
along his two jarred guitar strings,
And when his armed reptile friend heads
back to attack with war heads
strapped to his back...

He scares the Pigeons.

When the Pigeons try to fly
away they're hit by lighting
as they sit doing nothing
but watching pavement sins
shaking their right wings in
attempt to try and repent
what they find as todays crime,
waiting for the day they can fly away.

By the time his left wing
heels the feel of flight has died,
and to talk is the point of all
as now all they do is squawk and point.
And as the Pigeon's lips rip
apart the heart and self esteem
of this weak city,

He scares the Donkey.

When the Donkey starts to flee,
he stops, sees the squawking
ease of the Pigeon and his deed...
Watches the street as two men
start to lute the Quickie Mart
then eat the led that bled
from the dead artists hearts.
Watches the Elephant dance
behind the dam walls as all the wastelands
scream in agony to be saved.
Counting on his pace to scare away
the Crocodile's surrounding banks
so his vile gaze could scare away
the cynical bird who sat pinnacle
to disaster climbing a step latter
high above the action to simulate
the way of flight pattern without
stepping down from his place of instigate.

And the Donkey watched the end
as the Elephant put his head in hands;
Began to cry to defend his stance
and looked up every few minutes
to check if the crowds had now took behind
this thin dry bush to hide until his
.................. Apocalypse had finished.


http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=287571
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=287547

Damn... I'll the feedback I gave today and this is at the bottom? That's fucked up.

When the Crocodile swims...
on for forty legs of deep miles
and reaches the black hole beaches
of Castro's fully loaded isle few of
our powers can stand to Cuba.

eh ok not great lol ive seen better ways to start off an om

but this was pretty good ur flow was off alot actually but its ok
cuz u had some good wordplay thru tha drop that made up for it
ur sctrutre was not that great u could have made it alot better
tha vocab was 1 of tha best parts of this om cuz it was pretty good
ur topic lmaooo i never see ppl writing like this it was deff oringal

And the Donkey watched the end
as the Elephant put his head in hands;
Began to cry to defend his stance
and looked up every few minutes
to check if the crowds had now took behind
this thin dry bush to hide until his
.................. Apocalypse had finished.

nice way to end it that was nice

could u plz leave feed on tha om in my sig

this was pretty cool...not my favorite piece of yours....but it was really enjoyable...i got done with it saying.."that was a nice solid read"
i really liked the idea of turning a childrens story in a case of severe politics...because really...how far is it from the truth? i mean, it's pretty safe to say that's not what the writers meant...but yet..it's still strangerly relevant and parallel to the truth....pretty interesting..and pretty clever to take something so innocent...and warp it into something so corrupt, while keeping it close to home and close to truth...very nice

the only thing i felt like this lacked....was some of your grammar seemed to be a little...strange? i don't know exactly...just something technical about it...wasn't stroking my eyeballs the way i like...anyways...

i would tell you to stay up...but i know you will anyways...so...good drop

This seemed very poetic to me, so I think you may have been better off dropping it in poetic scriptures...

I really enjoyed this. The images you were able to paint were weird...but clear. Like the user above me said it was nice how you were able to use the theme of a childrens story, and relate it to polotics. Once again this read like a poem to me, and the lines seemed to run on and jus flow. Nice work man.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=287905
^ Return the feed if you have the time bro...

*Shrug* This is just the way I write Om's.

lolz..

starts off on a nursery rhyme tip but with a strong theme........works as a poem... but as a rap or even anything remotely inspired by hip hop this doesnt make the cut.......i mean a lot diddnt seem to rhyme.. which is ok for a poem... but......
had some nice rythm's and had a sort of action packed storyline... the overall imagery was good and i could grasp some sort of picture.. tho not really the most appealing or exicting ending.......i dunno it seemed to get repetitive on the same imagery.. like it seemed bird this, pigeon taht, crocodile this....... ...... and the constant run on sentences made it difficult to catch a flow of this......



interesting idea for a poem tho

1

this wasn't as good as your last peice..but it was still very good

it was well written, you showed excellent vocab and the lines were of perfect length in my opinion,becuase they were short and to the point, which is what I like to see. I like the storyline of this peice was very strong, the topic itself was completely original and I can't help but wonder how you cam up with the idea.As said before this does seem to be very much like a drop that would be seen in the poetic scriptures forum,but I think it is better here. this was an excellent peice,you used dope imagery, complex vocab and perfect structure,it flowed very well and was really interesting to read. As I said this was not as good as your last OM,but still very good.You have a lot of talent and I can't wait to read more peices from you.

Quote:

---

When the Donkey starts to flee,
he stops, sees the squawking
ease of the Pigeon and his deed...
Watches the street as two men
start to lute the Quickie Mart
then eat the led that bled
from the dead artists hearts.
Watches the Elephant dance
behind the dam walls as all the wastelands
scream in agony to be saved.
Counting on his pace to scare away
the Crocodile's surrounding banks
so his vile gaze could scare away
the cynical bird who sat pinnacle
to disaster climbing a step latter
high above the action to simulate
the way of flight pattern without
stepping down from his place of instigate

---

this personally was my favourite stanza,you showed great desription,imagery,and vocab in this stanza,and it stood out from the rest of the OM.Very well written .....keep dropping and I'll keep reading.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Vortex

lolz..

starts off on a nursery rhyme tip but with a strong theme........works as a poem... but as a rap or even anything remotely inspired by hip hop this doesnt make the cut.......i mean a lot diddnt seem to rhyme.. which is ok for a poem... but......
had some nice rythm's and had a sort of action packed storyline... the overall imagery was good and i could grasp some sort of picture.. tho not really the most appealing or exicting ending.......i dunno it seemed to get repetitive on the same imagery.. like it seemed bird this, pigeon taht, crocodile this....... ...... and the constant run on sentences made it difficult to catch a flow of this......



interesting idea for a poem tho

1

---

I don't think you fully understood the concept. "When the Elephant Walks" is an old childrens story, that's the actual cover at the top that starts this off... Those first few lines in the piece are directly from the book. That's how it goes, one thing runs, scares another which then runs and scares another. That's all that happens, each page has a sentance. It's supposed to be repetitive because that's how the book is, so I had to do that to keep the stories inocense to a point. And I thought of the topic when I was reading the book to my little sister and remembered that an Elephant is the political symbol for Republicans... So I just ran with the idea. *Shrug*

Elephant is the political symbol for Republicans...


now i diddnt know that etheir b4.
n when i said the run on stopped the flow i just meant in a rap - bar sense.. i mean of course it flows in a poetic sense.

i think a lot of poetry writers in a lot of places will especialy like this piece.. i also visit the critical poet on occssions



1

Ya, this piece is definately going to just go 50/50 with who likes and who doesn't like it. It seems most of the kids who write poetry like it and concider it an Om, but those who don't are more than likely going to just say this should be posted in PS.

Well, this is simply dope dude. That last drop of yours in which everyone was nominating, I can tell you now did not impress me at all. This on the other hand is going to be in the months OM HoF. I don;t think too many are going to catch the complex poltical ties in here. I thought this is by far the best I've seen from you on your own. Damn solid verse, very mature and grasps any reader with a very thourough understanding of politics and history. Excellent personification of the various creatures used to portray the various political camps and agendas. Solid and indepth, complex and on point. I think you could have taken this a bit deeper and hit harder, but that would be on another levle of writing. For this, you showed some inteligence, concern and disgust at the same time. I have not seen but a handful writers on RB ever pull off something like this. Damn fine job and the only concern here is that most are going to be oblivious to it's content. Great concept and by far outshines anything I've read in a few weeks. I just wish you had kept it going and tied in more events and tensions between the world clashign poltical parties.

Don't expect to get some of these members thinking here, it happens to me all the time, but I give props where props is due. YOu sure deserve that here.

dope shit man.

I liked the way you made a simple thing complex and deep. Good poetic rythm when you read it you can feel that pulse ya know

The complexity of the hidden messages is portrayed in a good yet indirect sense. The poetic flow is good, the message/story potent. I liked this as in it was very good and the structure was also gpnear perfect in length and form. I would have left comments earlier but i just came on. I reckon your an asset to the OM section and i believe that we would all want to see more work from you. SO keep it going.

When i read that 2 words came 2 mind. "Brilliant" and "Poetic", therefore it would have been best suited in the poem forum, but i wouldnt wanna post my talent in there because people rarely read it and i'd want feed on it... so im not gonna treat this like an OM and blab on about ur multis and ur rhymes, though few, the ones in there were very well done. the structure was good. i liked the topic, and the picture above ur verse threw me off completely, cuz when i saw it i was jus like, oh wut the fuck is this, some childish piece of shit? then i read it and understood the meaning of it and its political stance it really set me back and i was awestruck. the giant metaphor in the piece really showed me that you put some time in to it and carefully chose your words trying to conceal the meaning by any means necessary, but in doing that your hip hop rhythm diminued and left it as more of a poem...

good work, hope 2 c more from you soon. thanks 4 da feed on my OM and keep an eye out 4 me.

~1~

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by The Witness.

this wasn't as good as your last peice..but it was still very good

it was well written, you showed excellent vocab and the lines were of perfect length in my opinion,becuase they were short and to the point, which is what I like to see. I like the storyline of this peice was very strong, the topic itself was completely original and I can't help but wonder how you cam up with the idea.As said before this does seem to be very much like a drop that would be seen in the poetic scriptures forum,but I think it is better here. this was an excellent peice,you used dope imagery, complex vocab and perfect structure,it flowed very well and was really interesting to read. As I said this was not as good as your last OM,but still very good.You have a lot of talent and I can't wait to read more peices from you.



this personally was my favourite stanza,you showed great desription,imagery,and vocab in this stanza,and it stood out from the rest of the OM.Very well written .....keep dropping and I'll keep reading.

---

WORD!!

That's the worste feedback I've ever fucking gotten. You're a dumbass.

wow.

Ok, first of all, those who have left anything negative about this peice need to seriously re-read it and catch all the subliminals and meta's in it.

This is one of the most creative peices I have read, this by far sets andy level of writing that RB has recently devoloped. Your use of wordplay is outstanding. You originality to this topic is somewhat inspiring.
Your structure to your peices have allways been original, I like that about them.
Its a poetry format, but works well for your style.
damn, I guess all that skateboarding paid off for you.

Well- I think you've done better but this wasn't a dissapointment.

I liked your imagery and how you took me to that scene, and the wild ripple effect of when the elephant walks...pure and simple it was nice..

Sorry for the short feed but they said what was needed to be said..

can u check my new oM in the sig-death by candlelight

I fed that before you even looked at this man :2thumb:

I know-kool-

okok this was so fuckin clever bro and very well thought of.I really liked your style in writing this and I will definatly second this for HoF.It was simply that good.The way there was secret messaged just made it so more complexed and that made me like it even more.Emotion was great but you could have used just a little more.As i've said so many times before I love your pieces.Each piece is differant and you write it in differant ways.All your pieces are not the same,they are all unique in there own way and you do a great job in expressing yourself.Great job again bro

Could you plz leave feed in my OM Herasy please bro.Its is in sig

Thanks alot for all the feedback. Upping this for more responces.

I was very proud of myself to have caught the overal metaphor you went with in here...you took a childish theme and mixed it with politics almosts like politics for dummies lol.....It was so much deeper at a 2nd glance, the overall writing wasnt complex..but the topic, way you took it, meta, just the content under the writing was very complex thinking, and dope..i liked how you tied the child story in nicely...yet made it tie with very serious things in politics....for those who dont let there mind expand to notice something like this..yes i could see where they would say it isnt as good....but if they would notice the whole concept..and get e/thing you are trying to say..then i would believe you would get more ..."This is truly dope"..statements....hopefully future FEEDBACKERS...will get the whole thing..

very nice...creative drop atticus!

Keep ups...

...Thank for leaving FB on my piece Lands of Scarcity as well

Thanks for the feedback man... Glad you were able to really grasp the concept.

Ha.. All the people that changed their minds after Bounce came..

Anyway.. I love this.. From the first moment I loved it. The approach was great... I was very impressed.. The topic would've never occured to me. The subtle political references were great, very intelligent. It was easy to read, it flowed easily... It's worrying the amount of people who didn't understand this eh? Nice work though.. This does deserve recognition.. Hopefully it will receive it.

Thanks for the feed on my piece.. I'm impressed you understood.. Was pretty confusing! Nice work...

politically introspective with a dash of poetic intellegence. i can honestly say that i enjoyed this piece from top to bottom. with both your poetic overtones and creative symbolism you managed to produce a powerful and insightful message. not only was your content banging but so to were your emcee tactics. from a strickly hiphop point of view you excuted everything necessary to make this piece standout amongst the rest......Your flow was steady, you scheme was fluid, your wordplay was commanding and your theme was not only current but it was also unique. all and all what you have here is a truly dope piece.

favorite lines:
When the Donkey starts to flee,
he stops, sees the squawking
ease of the Pigeon and his deed...
Watches the street as two men
start to lute the Quickie Mart
then eat the led that bled
from the dead artists hearts.
Watches the Elephant dance
behind the dam walls as all the wastelands
scream in agony to be saved.
Counting on his pace to scare away
the Crocodile's surrounding banks

^hmmmmmm.....props

Man you literally need therapy. You talkin about a elaphant....but nah I get it. Deeply I can compare this to humans. Anyway I like the way you write, very atmosphere like but in a more poetical way. Just goes more metaphorical to me mann, they way you need to think about every line. Then again I'm trippin out already over weed but this really made me think a lot. I like when people write their stories like this, very complistic yet metaphorically realistic. Pretty good man, the imagery came deep to me.

Haha Atticus with the dopenes again.

I really liked this. I liked the way you incorpared the animals and shown the political message.

Again, your style of writing amazes me. You write differently which is always nice to see.

Thanks for the great read, again!.

Yeh everyone thinks just because a piece doesnt have end-of-the-line rhymes, its not an OM. An OM can have all kinds of rhyme-schemes, from a poetic sense of flow, to multies and end-of-the-line rhymes. But, Atticus, you've done very nice here, funny picture to begin with, it brought up my spirits at first site. I liked how you started each stanza with, "When the donkey", or "When the crocodile", etc. It seemed like a Dr. Seuss poem, and dont get me wrong, this was an above par piece. But the structure of the piece reminded me of a Dr. Seuss poems, because of each beginning of the stanzas. Good job, keep it up.

This was a dope piece, maybe not your best but this goes up with those, the structure in this piece is not a big deal, because i was so focused on the verse that i could tell notin u did was goin to rhyme, btw, this i liked describing every moment and every feeling of every animal was nice, and tying poilitical stuff into this OM was real dope, your vocab was pretty good and your writing is beginning to elevate more and more as u write and you arew becoming more creative. Ive saw in some of the members feed that u had like retold the story in your own way so if thats tru i hope you have retold it alot better than the orginial cuz what i read was real nice, your imagery was very wonderful and the main part of the verse that i liked was this:

He scares the Donkey.

When the Donkey starts to flee,
he stops, sees the squawking
ease of the Pigeon and his deed...
Watches the street as two men
start to lute the Quickie Mart
then eat the led that bled
from the dead artists hearts.
Watches the Elephant dance
behind the dam walls as all the wastelands
scream in agony to be saved.
Counting on his pace to scare away
the Crocodile's surrounding banks
so his vile gaze could scare away
the cynical bird who sat pinnacle
to disaster climbing a step latter
high above the action to simulate
the way of flight pattern without
stepping down from his place of instigate.

and i also liked the pigeon part also, but anyway, keep it up, i really liked this

Please hit up the 2nd OM in my sig, thanks

The complexity of the hidden messages is portrayed in a good yet indirect sense. The poetic flow is good, the message/story potent. I liked this as in it was very good and the structure was also gpnear perfect in length and form. I would have left comments earlier but i just came on. I reckon your an asset to the OM section and i believe that we would all want to see more work from you. SO keep it going.

Thanks alot for the feedback everyone.

I really enjoyed this. The images you were able to paint were weird...but clear. Like the user above me said it was nice how you were able to use the theme of a childrens story, and relate it to polotics. Once again this read like a poem to me, and the lines seemed to run on and jus flow. Nice work man.

Thanks man.

This one slipped my attention, i usually feed on your pieces so here goes man...

Okay first thing may i say this was an amazingly clever piece to actually switch a childs story into a serious, worldly topic such as polotics, just wow... That was origional... It seemed strange at first read but then when i read through it a second i grasped the metas and terms used to signify (cleverly) the serious topic... It seemed deep and extremely well though out man... damn this was a great read... man i really enjoy reading your stuff, when i first started reading your stuff i wasn't to kean, but since i've watched you drop dope every time, now i just love your style.

Well done man, this was great.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=289382

If you would kind sir :) lol.

Lol ya I thought you fed it earlier? Hm, maybe that was the other piece. Thanks for the feedback though.