Nothing's Changed

scenario: In 1957, two women were walking along a country road. A white man is walking behind them, very quiet without saying a word. The two women are talking to each other when suddenly the man leaps on top of them and forces them to the ground. He ties the other women up and leaves her on the road. He bounds the other women up and says, "your a pretty lil nigger. You'll pay a pretty price. I cant say the same about your friend". Then the woman says, "what are you going to do to me"? The man says "this"! He takes a knife and rapes and kills her. "That's what you get for being a nigger. You filthy people will learn that we rule, and always will. The man who killed her, was never charged. That woman was my great-grandmother, and in this story were going to learn the struggle that she, and millions like her had to endure before her life was tragically ended.

Nothing's Changed

She was just a poor servant girl struggling with life
She never thought her life would end with her head on the end of a knife
Back then it was so hard for a black girl to survive
Her dream was to bring back the breath of life so her people could revive
She said, "life was long and it felt like walking in a desert on hot sand"
Saying "One day life will be over, and i'll be walking in that great promised land
But, she kept her head high, and her faith strong
Even though she knew life for black folks was so wrong
Her question was "Why do black folks gotta be treated this way"
"Why can't we get along on this great fateful day"
"Life ain't no better than it was when we were picking on that plantation"
But she knew life won't free, and this defenatly ain't a free nation
It seemed like she was walking on a road that ended to nowhere
But she never gave up even though her life was unfair
She thought life would end in grief and despair
To find white folks that were kind to her in those days were so rare
But as all the blood and tears shed, she was still living
And when she was treated wrong, she forgave and kept on forgiving
She didn't want to get mad because God says you can't hate
Well, I say that, what goes around comes around, and that's gonna be their fate
Life was getting lonely, hard, and weary
She just wanted to end her life, with all this stuff happening yearly
It was torture, her being bloody and teary
She said God wasn't any help " you fuck and you fucking ministry"!
So she rebelled, against all the things she knew were wrong
She said "Why should I care, life's too short, so ima make in long"
"White folks don't care, Black folks don't either"
"And I can't say i care, I don't give fuck a neither"!
Why does there have to be racism?
We're all people, why can't we get along?
She said "They know what they're doing, and God surely knows it's wrong"
But then again, why didn't he do anything about it?
He sat there and didn't do anything, he allowed it
I'm done with Black folks getting treated like this
"Our race will soon be destroyed and we won't be missed"

*she never got that chance, R.I.P.*

This is why our death wish will be arranged
And this is why i say again, nothing's changed

links:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=287104
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=287558

Eh, the story showed potential but alot of times you just came up short. Basically all of the wording in the piece was awkward and could have been altered slightly to make the content read more fluently. That little intro thing... Although very informitive, if you were turn that into a rhyme aswell and jsut flowed it into the story I think that could have made it better. Because that was far to long to have as an intro, it was like an entire story in itself you know? Uuuum, ya, just wasn't all that great to me. You show alot of potential though, keep writing and elevating man.

I'd apreciate it if you could return the favor:
"L.A. Reed Bought my Soul"
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=287417

word. im just starting topicals, so im not that good. but i'll take your advice and keep elevating. uppin.

uppin.

stop sleeping on this people! uppin.

uppin

yea i think atticus sumed it up, this peice had potential but you did come up a lil short
you could of used a lil better vocab and issh. also that intro although informative, was a bit too long nah mean. but props if like you said youre just starting topicals vic coz it was decent. keep @ it.youre almost there bruv..7-10..

thanks man, uppin.

blah people, stop sleeping on this. uppin.

scenario:

Well that whole bit wasent really needed kinda pointless sorry

She was just a poor servant girl struggling with life
She never thought her life would end with her head on the end of a knife
Back then it was so hard for a black girl to survive
Her dream was to bring back the breath of life so her people could revive

amazing way to start this i got into there jus cuz of tha way u opened it

ur flow in this was ok it fell off alot but not enough to fuk up tha whole piece
ur wordplay was eh it was alight it fell alot to but u made up for it
wit ur good vocab ur vocab was really good i was impressed wit that
ur structre was tha weakest part of this it fell off to much it was all ova tha place
but ur topic was real nice i luved how u kept on tha topic for 95% of tha piece

She said "They know what they're doing, and God surely knows it's wrong"
But then again, why didn't he do anything about it?
He sat there and didn't do anything, he allowed it
I'm done with Black folks getting treated like this
"Our race will soon be destroyed and we won't be missed"

Great ending

This could have been much better, the story line made for much potential. I think your word choice could have been a bit more elevated, but for the most part you are new to topicals. I suggest you study the components, learn how to use diction, imagery, emotion, assonance, meter and other important facets of a good write. In time you will be dropping some hot peices, you jsut need tiem to grwo into your writing. It's nice to see some new heads in here breathing life back intot he art. Keep at it.

This was a good right for a begginer, you got the stroy going but lacked in technical prowess to make it a great piece, however i liked the emotion put in and some of the lines were good. I beleive youv'e got abundant potentail and if the potential is used properly than yes, you will be able top produce some better OM's. This was an aight start and from here you should go uphill.

If you have time can you read this, Thanks:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=287756

thanks all of you. and at Bounce, yeah just give me about 2 months and my topicals will be great :coolio:

uppin.

bounce basically summed it up

but this was quite good for a beginner, you had the imagery in this peice and the story line had potential,but your vocab needs to be elevated quite a bit.....you obviously know how to tell a story and you have a lot of potential, keep dropping in here and you will elevate a lot.

return the favour
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=287859

uppin.

uppin.

uppin

i cant say much other than elevation is key..

Your story was nice. i liked the scenario and you had the rhymes, just add some doper vocab, and make it more complex...simple is not the way to go...not here..

Thanks

aight. thanks for the feed. uppin.

blah, uppin.

uppin

yungvik is my alias. uppin

Quote:

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Originally Posted by The Witness.

bounce basically summed it up

but this was quite good for a beginner, you had the imagery in this peice and the story line had potential,but your vocab needs to be elevated quite a bit.....you obviously know how to tell a story and you have a lot of potential, keep dropping in here and you will elevate a lot.

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i agree with witnees pak and bounce...

they sayed it all ..dope shit tho

I liked how it had the intro with the story, then it went into the real part of it with the nice rhymes and pretty nice flow..strucutre was pretty nice as well..topic was descent half interesting half not......overall i liked this but room for elevation...this showed potential...keep at it..peace~

thanks for the decent feedback plain. uppin.

aight uppin for the last time, then someone can close this.