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Thread: I just can't take it

  1. #1
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    I just can't take it

    The king-like stature of my oppressor , glares at me with malice
    As I reluctantly crumble under the pressure, of his intimidating palace
    I bow before him, merely a shadow in his presence, I cower with fear
    My towering peer, makes it undeniably clear, that his power is here
    With a gesture of hand, he signals for my friends to come forth and beg
    They scurry forward like mice, and obediently fall on one leg

    The dull walls of this room are scattered with paintings of obvious symbolism
    Some big, some small, but all add to my over-whelming feeling of pessimism
    The grey and dank bares evidence of tortured souls, forced to give in to this cult
    To indulge in horrific acts, of which are actually encouraged by adults
    But they don’t know what goes on , outside it may look like a joyous place
    But the interior banishes souls, and gets rid of any hope or optimism with haste

    Sure there are people here, that are supposedly decent citizens
    But they too are simply unaware, of this place’s fake innocence
    three times a day, I am tortured beyond the sight of any helpful being
    I find my self agreeing, that this is not what I am actually seeing
    I am forced to play a part of my own demise, he wants me to blame myself
    But I blame, my parents for either not noticing, or not wanting to help

    I crawl home, my clothes ragged and torn, from another day of hell
    My parents are bickering like children, so I decide to join in as well
    I tell them I hate them, their narrow minds can’t see what lies beneath
    For too long I have clenched my teeth, and now they finally realise my grief
    But it is too late for my soul, this world has turned my heart into an empty pool
    My life is gone, it was cruel and my public school was the murder tool

    The boy lifts the gun, as his parents run in the door
    ‘Sorry Mom and Dad, I just can’t take it anymore’

    After some research the police reported back to his parents, the news was brief
    ‘He was being bullied in school, and we believe his aim was to end his grief’

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  2. #2
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Last edited by Witty; April 16th, 2006 at 04:04 PM

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  3. #3
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    uppin for feed.

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  4. #4
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    The rythmic style of this was greate, it was a good read, strucure was good and the vocab was pretty good too, the use of multies and the description you used put made this lines stand out more, overall it was a good piece i liked teh edning as well...so yeah good work, keep the art going ma dog

  5. #5
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    thanks dude

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  6. #6
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Technique's Avatar
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    This Shit Was Good Nice Strucure Good Vocab Hot Wordplay And Overall A Hot Drop Keep It Up

    Peace
    RIP BIG L

  7. #7
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    thanks......uppin

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  8. #8
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Okay i hated the first stanzas, it was really basic and the emotion and imagery just wasn't felt, you could have done alot better with that...
    But then when i moved onto the middle i began to enjoy it alot more, the imagery was good, which to me is the most important thing to my enjoyment of the piece as a whole (as i'm a poet)... the emotion was very good, i can tell that you were talking about things you've been though (bar the suicide thing obviously lol)... your structure usually is horrible, but in this you really have made an improvement, but i still feel that you need work int hat area, remember although this is not audio it's still lyrics therfor you have to consider the fact that the reader will be verbally rapping it whilst reading... but yes i definately feel you have made a vast improvement in this area, your flow is also getting better, your starting to use more complex rhyme schemes instead of merely rhyming at the end of every line, as that's kind of newbish, your starting to use more mulits in your work, which although you may not notice is making you seem alot more professional in your approach to writing.

    Well done.
    AI


    “ˇViva la Revolución!”

  9. #9
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    damn thanks for the feed mate...it's appreciated ALOT

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  10. #10
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    uppin

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  11. #11
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    feed on this please

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  12. #12
    You've Earned a Custom Title! hYpoConDrAddict's Avatar
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    ok i liked it although its not the style i usually get into, because u told the story pretty well, but if anything i would have liked to have seen better vocab and maybe a lil shorter lines but that just wut i think, nice topical tho, keep droppin

  13. #13
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    I liked this it was decent. it flowed and rhymed good. But u need to use more meta4s and keep the creativeness going. All though this was decent keep it up

  14. #14
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    thanks

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  15. #15
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    uppity

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