"L.A. Reed Bought my Soul"

Wear that noose as necklace,
so maybe when the leds thin
we can pass the rope and hold
that high note until my last line quotes.
Death is in, it's back in black
So hold your breath and let in fad.
Proof isn't always in the puddin',
the truth is in Proof who played
roulette with 4 stacked chambers
and was born alive as he died.

Kiss the bullet ... kiss the bullet...

Kiss the bullet's lips he's lucky Pull It!
The blarney stone is so last week.
Peal your wrist back and see that
the publicity is endless... Besides,
you have to, you signed the contract.
Nothing spells success like death
...................or sells quite as well,
You wanna reach legendary persona?
Man, just squeeze don't breath.....
............ Instantly behold Nirvana.

Weep, drown your brash sorrows
in the shattering ease of sea glass.
Listen to the gulls backward laughter,
hide your head back under
the sand's hand and the cover
of grain to discover disdain
as you lap up puddles from another
bottle of grain's incessant deception.
Stare deep into that fountain of youth
before you drown your frown's impression
in the bowls of your own proud reflection.

L.A. paid the blade and kissed
Mr. Smith with an ivory forty-eight,
hung the body from guitar strings
and clapped as his plastic puppet reach L.A.;
Hit the charts with artificial art
and it never took a heart to create his name.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...239post4302239

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=285549

Nice. But damn, it's kind of hard to understand. I think we have totally diffrent writing styles, you write complex stuff. I write simple stuff. Anyways, for the part I could understand, It read like poetry. You had good flow, but the rhyme scheme is always hard for me to comprehend. Nice concept to write about. From what I can tell, its pretty good, but no where near your best. Just keep writing though, I think this could be my lesson for today, reading something I dont understand.. lol. I try'ed to leave my best feed. Sorry Brix, if it wasnt good enough just tell me.

Oh, and if you would, check my newest peice.
"A Loving Mother"

Thanks for the feedback; Your piece is all fed.

Nice stuff.
VOCABS
Simple but achieved their purpose. I can't complain here.
WORDPLAY/METAPHORS
Plenty complex metaphors here. I can't understand most of it since I don't know the context but it is all well done. Not much wordplay but a lot of imagery.
FLOW
Your flow was nice but I noticed your rhyme scheme changed a lot so I'm not sure. I like it though and your stuff was easy to read and follow.

Overall a well done piece and I would have enjoyed it even more if I understood all the metaphors.

Now comment on mine:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=287523

Hmmmmm....

subliminal, abstracted, articulate....interesting......very interesting. Those are just a few words that come to mind after reading your work. In my opinion this post was exceptional, very well written and masterfully constructed. However, there were points here and there....where..... your complexity became a little (how do I say) over-baring, not that its a bad thing; i just think that it could have been dumbed down a little for sake of your readers. But then again - who knows. Overall this piece was top shelf.

favorite lines:

Quote:

---

You wanna reach legendary persona?
Man, just squeeze don't breath.....
............ Instantly behold Nirvana.

---

^I thought that both your placement and the wordplay were dead on.


Beautifully written through and through!

good rhyming sounded like a pome bt messed up in the head but hey i know you jst playing i liked the rhyming good work man

Damn Atty, I think I wuv you, haha. Well man, you amaza me with yet another piece of your artistic creations. I agree with Legends. To me a lot of it was subliminal, very understandable, I dont get why Jonathon had a hard time understanding where you were heading with this. Some of your complexity WAS a little over-baring, (again agreeing with LegendZ), but if you have that high of a level of intellect, there's no way you can tone it down. I believe you can because you have a high level of skill, and your work amazes me each time I read them. This stanza was the best out the whole piece because it reminded me of a movie where someone wanted to find out who they truly were and ended up dying.

Quote:

---

Weep, drown your brash sorrows
in the shattering ease of sea glass.
Listen to the gulls backward laughter,
hide your head back under
the sand's hand and the cover
of grain to discover disdain
as you lap up puddles from another
bottle of grain's incessant deception.
Stare deep into that fountain of youth
before you drown your frown's impression
in the bowls of your own proud reflection

---

Great job Atticus, HoF.

c0ol drop still.. read like poetry still flowed like rap.. found it hard to overstand the core of the concept.. .. to an extent neway. languge/vocab usage was appealing and seemed different from a lot of writtens... you brought many lines to life with wordplay type ...........................................good forward movement of words dropped well

cool drop

1

I liked the unique style of this and the flow flew smoothly to set a scen in my mind. The rhyming was quite different e.g. not aa,bb etc and added to the uniqueness of this piece. The vocabulary top nothch....just carry on painting the blank canvas......(Already nominated)

great use of vocab....that made the the imagery way better followed by smooth flow to make it an easy and enjoyable read...topic was nice and interesting..pretty different and creative....your rhymes were nice overall with sum nice multies here and there....strucutre was nicely done..even and nicely layed out...so overall this peice was like a 8.5/10..thats really good soo keep it up man...peace~

I loved this.....it was really unique,the imagery was absoutely fantastic.the rhyme scheme in this peice was very good and different,you have clearly developed your own style,and I love it.the strcture was nice the lines were short and to the point...but you managed to create a lot of good imagery in each line regardless of how short they were,which I know is a very hard skill to acheive,as I'm trying to do it myself. The multies were placed very well in this peice and they neevr once affected the flow,infact in places they actually added to it.The story line was very good,it was unique and interesting.

Quote:

---

Weep, drown your brash sorrows
in the shattering ease of sea glass.
Listen to the gulls backward laughter,
hide your head back under
the sand's hand and the cover
of grain to discover disdain
as you lap up puddles from another
bottle of grain's incessant deception.
Stare deep into that fountain of youth
before you drown your frown's impression
in the bowls of your own proud reflection

---

this my favourite stanza,it was wrote very well

absolutely top quality work......HOF for sure.

I like this piece. It was different from how I remember people would write back in the day (its been a while since I've been on RB) It read more poetically than anything. The words flowed and fed into each other perfectly. The idea behind it confused me a little at first but I re-read it a couple of times and I came to my own conclusions about what was going on. All in all, a pretty good piece. Keep it up.

great work here... atti... i thought you came at this peice with a unique feel to it.. the style you used flowed fluently and you seemed to not overuse the language or anything like that... came out great imagery was strong i espeically like the third stanza ending it with staring into the bowls of your own reflection i thought was amazing...


uhmmm uhmm... thats all i can really come up with... great work top notch stuff here... keep up the writting dude :)

Lol, man, you sure know how to set poetry up in a way I've never read before. No matter what you/other people say, this is poetry. Just witha twist. You've got an idea in your head and compounded it with metaphor after metaphor. What I noticed, since reading one of your pieces for teh first time last year, is that you've worked so hard on your flow, its untrue. I had to keep re-reading the first time I read your work, but now it just reads so easily. Tile grabbed me, as I think I've heard it as a lyric before. Concept was cool as fuck, as death DOES sell.. which is a sad sad thing. Get notoriety after your life is up.. not a big fan myself. All in all, atty, you're setting a style/standard atm that nobody else is doing. Don't change it, just keep evolving.. really nice piece, man.

P.s. Great job on leaving so much feed in OM these days. Thanks.

-Brix.

abstract and infused in poetry, Im not seeing an OM here, but then again I'm a poet first and foremost. I liked the concept and the inovative approach you took here, it was a risk, but you came out on top here. I'm not amazed by anything, simply put this was elegant and poetic drop, hit all the marks and was refreshing to read. Might be new to OM heads but striaght up poetry, good job. You have been a nice addition to the OM forum, I look forward to you staying around for a while.

Thanks alot for all the feedback everyone. Lol, I kind of forgot I wrote this piece. Upping for alittle more feedback before I let this slip into the unknown.

Hmm nice, the last few lines really substantiated a story more than those long narratives. It's like you gave all the details before hand and then at the end you gave a frame of reference. I don;t believe it was too complicated but just a solid piece with a great concept. Great read overall.

RTF please:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=250742