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Thread: The Seventh Disciple:The Innocent Boy

  1. #1
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    The Seventh Disciple:The Innocent Boy

    The swings reverberate to equate these expressions
    That this boy places his fate in during opression
    Physical agression teaches the lessons rather left untaught
    Refuge saught in the park... busted chains rusted and taut
    Clamp around his soul... cold metal kisses his little heart
    Conductive coils start sap his spark, it all goes dark...

    The spotlight flashes upon a sandbox of his ashes
    He see's a young boy frolick in a castle of whiplashes
    The vassal of a alcholic cries his acid rain tears
    And they harvested the sears burns year after year
    Sold on street fears that lived under a child's bed
    The tried to bleed away his pain, but died trying instead


    He woke up lying upon his death matress- eclipse hat tricks
    The corona of life, death and dream left his soul transfixed
    On the semantics of action, and the struggle to breathe
    But the swing came crashing down- laying upon undone deeds

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  2. #2
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  3. #3
    Tha Burnin Sensation 2hot2handle's Avatar
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    Yo I liked this. it all connected together. This was a piece where ya simply just spittin what comes out and you did well. It reminded me of a puzzle on how it just flowed and stuck together. The story was told well and ya displayin some dope shit. Seems like a laid back piece but I know you can do much better. Especially since you went the bear minimum of 16 lines. Make ya pieces longer. This was good and you finished well. Good job.

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    "I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."

    - Martin Luther King Jr.


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    View this from last year^

  4. #4
    NuM-WuN
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    this shit was dope..could've probably made it longer, but for its content it was still dope..the imagery was well above par...vocab was very complex..i liked how you had the swing kind of symbolize the boy's emotion and expression..nicely done..the story unravelled within itself which gave more complexity..i always enjoy that kind of story..despite its length i see no flaws in this piece...keep writing cuz i expect to see more from you in the future..oNE

  5. #5
    The Audio King .Silence.'s Avatar
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    this shit right here was pretty dope.You had a good storyline to go with your topic abd thats good.But try to put more emotion into your piece it will make it more dope.But you had good Imagry in this piece and thats good.Also you had a good structure and good use of your vocabulary.Overall this piece was dope hope to see more from you soon just try to work on putting more emotion into your pieces and you'll be straight.

    Distinct Advantage
    MIXTAPE IS OUT NOW
    [SOUNDCLICK]8054116[/SOUNDCLICK]

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  6. #6
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    this shit was dope..could've probably made it longer but you had a good storyline to go with your topic ......you had good Imagry in this piece and thats good....Overall this piece was dope hope to see more from you soon just try to work on putting more emotion into your pieces and you'll be straight..stay up..peace

  7. #7
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    upping

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  8. #8
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  9. #9
    Young News
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    Good piece...Nice concept and overall content.. liked how you really painted a picture with words. As stated before it would probrably be alot better if you made it longer

  10. #10
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    uppinh

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  11. #11
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    Upping

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  12. #12
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    ~Upping~
    Anyone Wanna Collab

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  13. #13
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    Fly My Child

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  14. #14
    Banned detremental.'s Avatar
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    This was iight man. I really was feelin it on an overall standard. The vocab was there also. The only thing that I think you should work on is imagery. Even though this wasn't a piece that was brought out on imagery, imagery helps to make it more deep. good work though. keep it up man.

  15. #15
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    The connection of the rhymes was very good. The flow went from good to wicked. Excellently done there. You also had a higher standard of vocab then some OM heads do, which is a good thing as it shows OM standard rising. Overall, a very good and mpressive piece. Keep it up
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

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