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Against All Odds
http://images.google.co.uk/images?q=...s/warriors.gif
As they prepare to fight…….
The sun beats mercilessly down on this barren terrain, resulting in pain
As these disheartened soldiers are preparing to train, and to fight again
They feel that this war is obsolete, many have fallen, only a few remain
The war torn soldiers have accepted defeat, believing that there’s nothing to gain
The enemy blocks the sunlight, the hordes of gallant riders fill the horizon
No time is left to admire this beautiful sight, there is no time left for sympathizing
Not one tear is shed, not one mind wanders, as the brave soldiers run to their death
There is little room for manoeuvre, even less for blunders, this will be their final test.
And so it begins…….
With adrenaline beating through them, they race heroically on to their final destination
A sight like this only comes once, and could easily be mistaken for a figment of imagination
They dismount their horses, draw their swords, knowing that the enemy is vicious
Today the most tame man is a beast. And the most complacent human is malicious
It is a beautiful day and the flowers have blossomed, but this is soon to be forgotten
The sweet smelling meadow that once lay, will be replaced with bodies; dead and rotten
Such is the horror of war……..
That these young men who fight with brilliant confidence, may be left with their bodies torn
But alas this is not to be…….
These men can see that the enemy is weakened, there are not as many as expected
And now their weakness, and lack of confidence has finally been detected
They attack mercilessly, they know that this is the last chance they have of pulling through
Because if back up can get to them, then there is nothing these brave soldiers can do
Wearily they find their second wind, and bravely march to the enemy, this is the end
They know that if they can withstand this battle, then they have their oppressors penned
With hope in their hearts they soldier on, many by now have been lost
But they defeat their enemies, and go home victorious, against all odds
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word I posted this in PS but then decided it would be alot better here. uppin for feed
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damn great peice right here imagery was illest in this and vocab was as well dope nice rhymin in here really apriciated it the war topic is common but you brought somethin new to the table wit this nice job stay up
leave feed on my om the broken mirror
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ohh this was nice piece man...
the imaginary was hot... nice vocab and rhyming....this was hot piece man
keep up
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Good things:
I liked this peice, it had good imagery in, very extensive vocab, maybe a little forced at certain points, but hey your new to this particular feild so your bound to treat it alike topical, and although similar it has vast difference... i liked your structure in this peice, i found it rather easy to follow which is good, simple is effective...
Not so good!:
Well it seemed forced in alot of places, thus lessening the enjoyability of the read, this was a major factor in this poem, half way through i became bored and yearned for more complexity, but that's just my personal poetry taste, others would disagree as they may like simple poems... I didn't like the fact that you spent more effort in making it rhyme than adding GREAT imagery, which you couls so easilly have done with a little re wording, remember vocab is not important if they are empy words... 'your words are wepons o use them wisely'<< that quote is true to writting as wording of things can either make or break a peice for the reader, to me it really did make it not so enjoyable, where as if you had took ore time to consider the wording i would have hands down loved this peice, and i know you have it in you, it's there you ust need to learn how to use it to your full ability, i beleive you can easilly reach it if you read other peoples poems and gather new styles of doing things, then to adapt that style into your own word and make it unique, as i said i think you definately have the ability, but poetry is a differnt style to topical rap, the wording is so much different, the way you say things in poetry should make the reader think and become intreigued as to what you mean... i mean don't get me wrong basic poetry is dope, but it just doesn't appeal to my personal taste... but well done, i can see that you will elevate in this over time, but as i said, just read others work and adapt, then i think you will be a powerful poet... i think in alot of ways you held back on this, i don't know why i get that impression it's just like you used alot of vocab with out adding the emotion or imagery to it's full extent and possability... but word well done man.
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thanks and yea it was 30 min shit....uppin for feed
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The sun beats mercilessly down on this barren terrain, resulting in pain
As these disheartened soldiers are preparing to train, and to fight again
They feel that this war is obsolete, many have fallen, only a few remain
The war torn soldiers have accepted defeat, believing that there’s nothing to gain
dope way to open it that was very creative an u had nice flow vocab coulda been better but it was still good
The enemy blocks the sunlight, the hordes of gallant riders fill the horizon
No time is left to admire this beautiful sight, there is no time left for sympathizing
Not one tear is shed, not one mind wanders, as the brave soldiers run to their death
There is little room for manoeuvre, even less for blunders, this will be their final test.
dope here to vocab was really good so was tha flow an u stayed on topic here which musta been real hard
With adrenaline beating through them, they race heroically on to their final destination
A sight like this only comes once, and could easily be mistaken for a figment of imagination
dope shit i liked this part flow was good vocab was pretty good still on topic to
They dismount their horses, draw their swords, knowing that the enemy is vicious
Today the most tame man is a beast. And the most complacent human is malicious
It is a beautiful day and the flowers have blossomed, but this is soon to be forgotten
The sweet smelling meadow that once lay, will be replaced with bodies; dead and rotten
Such is the horror of war……..
That these young men who fight with brilliant confidence, may be left with their bodies torn
pretty good some parts seemed off i had to read it like 3 times lmao vocab was ok flow was pretty good
These men can see that the enemy is weakened, there are not as many as expected
And now their weakness, and lack of confidence has finally been detected
They attack mercilessly, they know that this is the last chance they have of pulling through
Because if back up can get to them, then there is nothing these brave soldiers can do
dope shit this was 1 of tha best parts in this om i liked this 1 thas most everything was perfect
Wearily they find their second wind, and bravely march to the enemy, this is the end
They know that if they can withstand this battle, then they have their oppressors penned
With hope in their hearts they soldier on, many by now have been lost
But they defeat their enemies, and go home victorious, against all odds
dope way to end it some words seemed a bit forced but thats ok this was still dope
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thanks alot dude...it's much appreciated....uppin
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great structure, good storytelling and UNIQUE topic. good rhyming and excellent vocab.
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yo don't sleep on this people
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yo pretty chill verse/ freestyle....i liked the creativity in this the wordplay was on point most of it made sence.....it was good homie keep that shit up
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This was good. Great imagery and that was the strength of this piece. It was very storylike. A good topic and ya did well on this. The vocab was good. You need to work on structure and shorten ya lines. Ya lines seemed to lenghty for it to flow. Nevertheless, it was dope.
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