Forever-More

Forever-More

Her body's delivered and her essence has bloomed, its evident in her shivers,
As a slow broken melody echo's the room as the poor stripper Melanie quivers.
Bitter evidence of broken years reign as rivers of tears blister her made up cheeks,
And the sheer pain that has built up rain's coldly to the floor in weathered streaks.
She holds her jaw in measured shrieks, sore, she has reached her teathered peaks.
She draws a gun and speaks so rapidly with an air of apathy, she tears at the trigger...
Cursed by the lonely figure of her only daughter, she continues to shiver and stutter,
Only reason she has put up with this torture is to keep her child away from the gutter,
To keep her head above water and looking up at the sky, she mutters and pauses...
Her babies gorgeous eyes force her Mother to hear her cries, she listens calmly.
Their is so many lie's and so much drugs that she's so high she can't hear hardly.
She shakes, her hearts aches and then breaks and the beat deafens her completely,
She drops the gun on the floor and then indescretly strokes her babies face sweetly,
Her hearts beating so fast it makes up for the silence inside the child's hollow chest,
Flashbacks shudder Melanie of how she shook her of all her swallowed breath,
And now the torment she felt before now lays dormant as she yearns for more,
For this whore has taken her daughter by the core, and tortured her forever-more.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...93#post3937993
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...04#post3938004

the lines were brought stretched.. but when i read it the flow came out good tho
but i liked this tho' the shit was hot i liked the way you worded it and my favorite part was the end because you brought the title into the ending...

Dawg that something that took along time right it was a good peice of work... dawg i was expecting something else from the title but it was really good did you make that up it was like a story not a rap it was deep tho how old was here daughter in the verse... but overall 9/10

However old you want her to be :).

Thank you both for the replies, Bump?

Good job Issue, I enjoy reading your peices. Everything was on point except your lines, they were sort of stretched. You probably realized this after you posted but overall you did very good. I didnt see this as one of your best you've ever dropped, but it was enough to top most if not all of the OM's that are on the front page. Me and you would do a great collab. Get at me about one soon. G00D read.

Yeh, i was impressed with where you took this topic.. whilst includin some great imagery and emotion.. yeh your lines are stretched,BUT sometimes that isnt a problem since when you include as much description as you did it is inevitable for that to happen..

Thanks for the read..

Return the favour
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...81#post3941081

I think if you say the lines and distract yourself from its length and just, simply put, go within the flow, the lines don't seem as stretched to me. I feel if you put two short lines together with great flow, then that line doesnt become stretched as its still as strong as it was halved.

Thank you for the replies,

Bump :)

Would anybody else?

Wow Issue, this was really dope. The inner multis and rhyme scheme was amazing. Some say this was stretched, but it flows well enough that i didnt think so. The vocab was nice as well. On to the topic.. it was really nice too. Ive seen the topic of Forever More before, but this was different then anything ive seen before. Nice little twist at the end. Dope homie, keep it up.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=271568

i think this was a great piece. even though lines were slightly stretched it didnt matter if you went along with the flow of the piece. great imagery. as some one said before, lines are bound to be a bit long coz all the content you put in. Great Job.

good job...........the structure was good an everythin rhymed.................nice job......pz.

She shakes, her hearts aches and then breaks and the beat deafens her completely,
She drops the gun on the floor and then indescretly strokes her babies face sweetly,

Fav 2 lines.

I didn't really like the structure, but I'm keen on the topic, it's rather deep, and sometimes even surprising.

Try to make your lines shorter, 'cuz now imagine rappin' it - most probably you'll run outta breath if you ain't Twista :D

Krit!cal

^^ I'm a poet, not a rapper.

Thank you all for the feed.

i will reply at this later, i cant now..

but what ive seen is nice

You stopped at mine :( lol.

I really enjoy reading your pieces, excellently written i think.

This is no exception from the others i have read, flowed nicely, vocab & imagery really flourished in this piece. Each line was consistantly good, flowed well & kept me wanting to read on!

keep it up, i'll be looking out for more of your work.

Thank you, man, I appreciate what you said there,


Bump! :)

Got lost in the pile,


Anybody else?-+