momma..................

hey momma............................

these keys im pressin, my life im reppin,
whether it be pencil or pen, or internet threads,
i work hard for my money, life aint funny,
its a game of chess, no room for dummys,
but in my mind, lies a thought set aside,
from complication, of the worlds eyes,
they dont see what im feelin,
im tryin to find myself , from what i do,
be silent on the way to school,
yo spader whats goin on, shut up cuz, im writin a song,
sometimes my mind it wonders, to realms of peaceful slumbers,
till the end of summer, when i take care of mother,
the cancers damn as close, my mommas feelin worse,
i had to think of that , when i was 10 years old,
learned to care for my sister, i love her so,
had no time to waste, freind, i got to go,
my body is cold,these thoughts of hate out the door,
i found a voice in these rhymes, had a peaceful tone,
mentally roam, concept constantly known,
i got a creative style, complicated to most,
just thought id take the time, to write this post,
i thank god that he always gave me hope,
docter said momma had 3 years to live,
we'll she proved them wrong, and is on her sixed,
i was 11 years old, when i heard him say that,
so i prayed every morning, beside her i sat,
hippititis,b and c, bullet in her spline,
broken back, had lots of dreams,
shot three times, joined army lines,
became a cop, shot by a drugge,
with her artificial stomach,she proved worthy,
an officer of duty, her lifes heavy,
an ex-drug dealer herself,
a true ol school,
till she put her gun on the shelf,
she had hard times many sons cant relate,
when they were at the park, i was helpin my momma bathe,
i got her dressed, and to this day,
i will always love my momma,
no matter what anyone say,
cause throughout her life, of drugs and fight,
she took the time, to make two childrens lifes,
i dont blame her, i just sit back and smile,
i thank you momma, for loving this child.......................

very deep and respectable. you should have used better words in some areas to further let your feelings and frustrations known. but overall its a nice piece...

5/10

Please check out my work i did today...

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=268944

Thanks...Don

i was feelin this but ya flow was kinda off. n ya vocab was kinda basic. it still came out decent tho. try to give a deeper feeling next time

Pretty Decent Drop Here Man...You came across with a strong message I think, It was nice, I liked it...Just the emotion in it, really did it for me, it was a good piece, It may lack in other areas, but it had a good message in it that you got out and across well in my opinion, whether parts were true or not i dont know, but if they were it makes it all the better piece. Keep dropping man

i would like to thank you all.............i really apreciate it..........thanks.....................

yo credz..........its all true too......................

any more comments or what??????

come on yallll............................................ ........where you at????????????????????????????????

One touchin' piece, but you could do better, no doubt. Maybe stretch your lines out a lil bit, insertin' more multis or internal rhymes...But, on the other side, it's for your mother, which mean it ain't gotta be too complicated, just nice flow, nice concept...
In that case, you done well.


PS. Hell yeah I know this forum only has like 5 or 6 decent feedbackers and shit

Peace
Krit!cal

Yea dude...some pretty deep shit, your wording was a little off in some places, your rhyme scheme was nice..not to abc-ish which is good..overall I really enjoyed reading this piece..keep it up...

man that was FELT,deep subject
it was good for it to have personality in it
i thought myself it was a very creative piece altough yes you could of used some longa words nd all but i liked it how it was

the flo was gd in some places nd not so hot in othas

but I WOULD GIVE THIS A 7/10

sweet piece
KEEP IT UP
____________
PEACE

now thats what im talkin about................zight then cuz's...........................................p-e-a-c-e............

thats some real talk therre I think that overall your piece was outstanding everyone saying your words were short but I think that sometimes the simple words make a complex flowso deep but the subject you were on was real so keep doing what you do and putting ya faith in God cause alot of ppl to ashamed to admit that....keep on marching playa.....

i march to my own rhythem for luv cuz.thats right........uppin this shit.........where all the xomments at???????????p-e-a-c-e

i felt this rhyme and all i have to say is that im SPEECHLESS


8/10 good job

i think tha rhymes r gud, was feelin tha emotion tha vocab was not bad either. keep wrkin on it. nd keep it comin.

good emotion through out. good structure.. flow was on point. more complexity next time to elevate your writing.. keep it up.

thanks for the props cuz............aight my niggas................where yall at?????????????????????

This was a decent drop, the multis were decent, 1 or 2 may have been a little forced, other than that, good drop

yeah my nigga..........................aight then.it hink i'll bump this shit up a lil bit............................

im a bout' to bump this shit up a lil bit..........................please.if ya care......post some comments..................peace my niggas/.................

this was a iight piece right here man.Ya just need to fix up that structure a lil bit,it was a bitt alll over the place.Try make your verse more decrative too always goes well when reading a verse.Throw a lil more emotion into what you are tlken about.Just lacked a lil bit of that.There were some nice lines in there bro but jus more emotion iight.Keep it up fam

pz.....

Been open tooooo long with no links.
Closed.