The Next Objective. (For the Soldiers)

The Next Objective.
...
Just a no body...Empty spaces, flocks of soldiers killed in dozens,
People surround me. Killin' by the million...childs, wives, husbands,
I hunger for food, thirst is no longer qwenched by drops of water,
If death was heat, this place only gets to be hotter and hotter...
The objective is obtained...I've got'er, the daughter we need kill,
As I hold her, betrayal begins to look better than her death. Still,
..My objective need be complete, for not me, but for my country,
So be it...*BANG*...More I beg for death to just try and hunt me,
...
*She was Innocent*
...
The Next Objective needn't tease me, thousands died by his hand,
...for I kill a murderer of the childs...
Assasinating this victim soothes my soul, like wolves...I feel wild...
And Mild is the climate..I'm Still thirsting for water on hotter days,
But at least I pay my debt to the little girl here. A thousand ways,
Death becomes a risk..The trends such as this is what I'm settin',
I scope the guy, but my hands are like waterfalls while sweatin'...
I'm lettin' the enemy win, if I let him go..Decisions become harder,
But then again...*BANG*...for me, not pullin' that goddamn trigger,
...Was like me in basketball, not playin' starter...
...
*Thousands are passed through me*
...
Objective third, Irony rocks my world..I have to decide win or hide,
Is my heart really within' my country? Or 'Does my Flow just Ride'?
Am I tide? Or or does my ocean spread wide, with multiple choices,
You realize I'm just one man. With screams of a thousand voices...
Their hurt, their pain..runs rampid through my brain like rouge bulls,
You could say it's the love of the job, cause my heart's what pulls,
Aching all day, my objective seems unfourtunate for my homeland,
..Small rocks patter inside my empty head, I call it the 'Domesand',
Like a sweat band, I gather the liquid......My wrist pulls the trigger,
I Look small. I'm sure a 'Name Brand' killin' will make me look bigger,
I figure..ain't I better than them? Why would I kill my only leader..
As an assasin I should kill him, but I tend to the bend on a plea'er,
She's hurt...savin' a life maybe, just maybe that'd repay the life...
Or the thousands of lives, which I've Killed...Slaughtered...Taken,
...With Gun...Hand...And Knife...
But I must be mistaken, the way the ground under me is shaken...
You'd figure I wouldn't be so edgy now, but this time I'm not fakin',
My knees jittered, my brain upset...President of the United States,
So I die? Save her life? Or kill a President and be known by greats,
...
*Decisions Taunt me*
...
Question my ability, it's the ability to kill one..or to save a another,
Long before this I could kill more worth, even such as my brother..
No other could stop me, but when an assasin thinks..he gets blinks,
And when he can't decide on something, he sings and gets drinks..
...
*Song of a Drunk*
...
Materials become original and 100% subliminal, the lies corrupt lies,
On-looking eyes realize...I AM! Who stays, goes, lives, or just dies,
Hear my cries, fortunes such as mine, I do good I'm unremembered,
But if I give the President what I'm told. It becomes septembered..
....It becomes unsatisfactory, decisions been made...I go to leave,
My brain grasps the decision along with headaches and some Alieve,
...
*Decision*
...
Like Mayans, decisions become an incision under my heads temple..
I've thought about it, and I realized, "Who does the dead resemble",
Assemble a team leader...I'm the crew, head team, and a disaster..
I can't save lives so I pick her up, *DROP THE GUN*, and run faster,
I am my own master...I take no orders, I'm loyal, considered royal..
But wait, Shots are fired at me, GLAD to see my plan start to FOIL,
...
...*BANG! BANG!*...
...
..I'm still runnin', girl in hand, sorry to say this is how the story ends,
But I come to a bridge and another began...the plan folds and bends,
"RUN!" she screams aloud...panic shot through her like a gun in hand,
But nothing happens to her. I'm standin' in between, line in the sand,
As like all sand, lines are polished and smoothed. Designless particles,
And the furthest my recognition gets, is cheap town news articles...
...
...*BANG!*...
...
One Shot. I felt it though, it hurt real bad. Went right through my pad,
*BANG!*...Again. With alarm,
Ouch, it grazed my arm. Things go bad and it begins to make me mad..
*BANG!* Another becomes the last...How sad.

...For the Soldiers...
...Thanks for Reading...

*~Nash~*

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=262712
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=263944
Links

God damn fool thats alot alot of reading.But this one right heres is on the charts homie When I read the first four lines I was like damn cuz of the situations going on in the story.Your Imagry was amazing cuz when I read it I put mysely in the place of the person and I really saw what was going on in this piece.Your Emotion came in this piece real strong and I really felt it and it was like a sad feeling cuz as you read down the piece it just gets real emotional and you can really feel it when you read this.And your structure I liked the way you had.And your wordplay was amazing.I give you mad props on this OM this is the best OM I read from you.


*shakes Big Nashs hand*


good work homie keep it up


*leaves the thread*

^Thanks Va..Anyone else?

damn dope if i may say so myself......u had dop[e imagery--icould picture myself there-u just all around did a nice drop-------------------->1 thing-u didn't have to enlarge it....but it was cool anyways

stay up nash
*)(*

ohhh...can u plz hit up tha link in my sigg plz and thnk you

One, you really need to up your word choice cause your cutting out words, syllabuls and in some cases makes phrases longer than they need to be to fit your scheme. A rhyme doesnt have to look perfect on the screen to have a good flow to it.

1st lines from 2nd part really threw off the verse. Keep it around the same syllabul count. If you cant do it, then reword it until it can. Once you become more well read you will have more words to choose from and making writing easier and more descritpive.

I really couldnt get into it, maybe cause of the length or that it was hard to keep reading at a certain pace/tempo. Dont ever write more than you have to, if you can get your point across in 14 lines then end it at 14.

Hope this helped.

Thank you all so much for comments...and THANKS VAFINEST...for nominating this too. Pz.

Rise for more feed...

Oh god..nvr this long..like 4 verses *swoons*

Good everthing but im feeling TR's breakdown...lil too picky but of course so is the industry..Emotional..liked it..

shit was dope hommie......had to decide if i wanted to feedback since the shit was so long, but glad i did.......but to me only thing u lacked was ya vocab....it was there, but not like i usually see you.....flow was on point......you stuck to the topic very well i like how you broke everything down. ya structure came off at some point'a.....and in some aspect's i agree with the realist bout ya first two part's but overall there's nothing but dopeness.... this should be a contender for nomination

pz

Ok, this was impressive, but I'm not gonna dick-ride you, in my eyes, there was a lot of things I didn't like. For starters, what was it on about? I'm sorry, I'm a bit slow, I honestly got lost numerous times in this, I do know roughly what its about, but on pieces like this, i like it to be written right before me, in poetry you search for meanings, in topicals the meaning should search for you. In the first few para's you seemed to be going over the same thing occasionally, contradicting yourself, using similar words, overall i thought this part of it was weak, I'm all for decent openers, this was Ok, but could of, and should of, been better. The middle of it is where it really threw me off, I just couldn't grasp onto anything until the last few para's, and especially the ending which was nice, the last para anyways, the closer seemed way too simple for me, and the vocab just seemed off, when for the most part I thought that was your strong point. You had some clever wordplay and structure, and your intensive writing style complimented your vocabulary in this piece, your structure was ok and I liked the off-lines, where you led onto the next to give the meaning to the line, it was a little stretched, but it added well to the imagery and emotion here so I appreciated that. You had a few multi's, but I feel you used, or repeated, simple words too often, and you just went for simple rhyming, not many inners of connection rhymes, which kind of just killed the flow for me, and made me think, again, that this was weak. Don't get me wrong, man, your talent was evident, I just don't think this was a great piece, not outstanding anyways. Good, but not the best.


I hope I could help you, thanks for my feed.


Bump!

It was good but not the best. I agree with Issue. This is definitly not HoF material. And it never will be. Me and Issue are experienced writers. All of the other cats that nominated the peice are either not that experienced at topicals or not good at them. Another thing, 24098712478 lines wont get you a HoF nomination, so dont write like this ever again, the storyline was so played. Pz.

My Frankenstein (Ft. Siege)

:)

word. take it form the people. were topical gawdz.

this was long as fuck, and abny piece that long should be dope as fuck, and this wasnt, it weas good though, topic was very played, and the ending didnt come with a twist at all, vocabulray was good, but the hrymes were simple, which is the main proble m wioth topicals today. try rhyming more owrds than the ending one inb a bar/line your word usage was also distroted, due to the faact you couldve put multies/vocab in the verse other than some meaningless metaphor describing the imagery you were just talking baout. anyway, this was good, nothing HoF worthy, but stay at it!

hit up Racism.... its on the top of the page, and the links in my sig

Holy crap... when you first joined divine Diction I never had any idea that you could write as good as this! This peice caught my attention from the first line, emotion pulled each line together and peice bypeice this hit home with every line. I really didn't see anything bad about it, possibly a misunderstanding of word use on my part, but beyond that... perfection.... the imagery that i got from this was astounding, I guess part of it is because my brother is a soldier in Iraq, and my sister a marine in Afghanistan.... so to me this is just like thinking about them once more.... you really did an astounding job with this sweetie! Keep up the good work!!!!



....bless

~*UnO*~

^Omg, Thank you all so much. Not HoF worthy? Ok I'll take it from you...but I will KEEP trying. Thinking about using all these tips to write another piece by the end of the night tonight...So be on the lookout. Thanks Nos, Issh, Seige, Shawty, Philly, and DVS...you guys opened my eyes a little more to what the Realist was talking about. I'll try harder and come dope with the next one. Comments here are appreciated so much, thanks guys.

~Nash

*Stalks*...

Fuck u^ Ban him, delete my post and his,

and bump for Nash! :)

^Thanks dude...Raise the Roof

Rise...