Quoting The Silence.

Quoting The Silence.


Among a room, a bothered past, there sit a bothered class..
I take a step to the commotion. To find out that father passed..
I pounce, and gasp. But just cant seem to catch my breath..
I feel depressed, an alcoholic. But inside my secrets kept..
As it reeks of death. I make a boisterous noise,
........................................to end the awkward silence..
We began sitting silent. As my only thoughts were violent..
Not noticing how fast time went. As I sit alone hurting..
Feeling as if yesterday was my first birthday!
.............................................But tomorrow I turn thirty..
I sit in anguish, take my pack of smokes. Another cig I light..
A fathers all you have. With no mother figure in your life..
Now hes gone, I cant believe. Ive got nothing, nothing see..
Take a man with everything..
....................................Minus money, and you leave me..
As I walk around with fright. Calling me crazy? You might..
Having a sense of death in touch..
..........................................Not a single person white..
My knees buckling, I fall on fours. No chuckling of course..
Taking a glance up at his coffin. Tears pummeling my pores..
I don’t get this it hurts, I have a pickiness with my words..
And I try to say a prayer..
...........................But this sudden sickness gets worse..
I stand at the stool, Im a tall man, a pest. My pausing is less..
As I reach around my neck, and lie my cross on his chest..
I inhale than exhale, the smell of the rose. I stand on my toes..
As I give him a kiss on the forehead..
..............................................Than the coffin, is closed..
Feeling insane. Approaching his grave, I might visit him soon..
As I stop, take out my handkerchief. And wipe of his tome..
I look back, the past hurts. From kneeling, my back hurts..
As I stand at his grave, still remembering his last words..
"Love is red, and now its gone. My heart is slightly violet.."
As those were his last words. I Quote-un-Quote the Silence..

Rest in peace:

Beloved father and son.

I'll get those links in a little bit. I have a basketball game in an hour.

This is good, man, but... There's always a but...


But, for a 14 year old, this is fucking excellent. See, when i was 14, I didn't know how to keep to a subject, never mind create a topical and strong as this, props to you, man.

All I'm gonna say is I liked this, and I'm thouroughly impressed with you, I'm genuinely surprised and excited that there is someone of your age and calibre on this site :).

Take it easy, kid, keep doing what you are doing.

*Blushes*

Thanks man.

Yeah On The Real This Is A Good Topic For A 14 Year Old When I Was 14 I Was Battling Wasn't In The Topic Stuff But You Got Skill Man And Stay Around Cause If That You 4 Years Later You Will Be Alright Man

this was a good piece, i liked it alot, u just keep coming with good, dope, sick shit in every piece u write & this is nothing different, like what i saw & was able how u felt in this piece that's another thing that brings out the best in a writer putting the FEELINGS ON PAPER, so everything about this was good, good job again, can't what to see another 1 of these from u

Thanks guys.

Its greatly appreiciated.

First of all let me just state that I think its irrelevent to comment on this kids age, instead we should be taking into account what he's accomplished as a writer..remember, your anonymous until your discovered.

I thought this was overall a nice piece with a personal tone throughout, thats the most amazing thing about topics like greif and loss, its an individual experience and it can be construed in many ways depending on the readers own experience. You really chose a topic on which you could fully extend and flex your writing hand. Besides that, death is always a topic that evokes greater emotion in people for various reasons, and death of someone so close, like a father in this case, is something which, unfortunately, alot of people can relate to.

The piece seemed more poetic to me than anything else, I don't really concentrate on the technical factors like structure and syllables, (conformity within freeverse isn't really my thing) but to give you some advice as an aspiring young writer I'd say you were pretty spot on. You had two 'spark' lines (lines which give acceleration to the piece) those were the penultimate line which I think could be contrewn in different ways, and the line fairly early on about growth and maturity, transferring from first birthday directly to thirty. I got the sense of the persona losing his innocence and childhood as he now had to become a man and plunge himself into the wider world alone. I don't know if that was the effect you were aiming for but I like it.

Nice piece, if you can, reply to mine, it's called Tombstone.

^ Age does come into consideration when you yourself consider he's just a kid creating a man's work, and you take into play the maturity...


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=262993

Go return the favour to me and influx!

14? say whaaaaa!!! dam kid u fukin got skillz!!! dat shiit wuz deep az fuk..
i wud deffo consider myself readin more from u... dat wuz wun niiice topikal... & shokin 2 c a 14 yr old kid write dat stuf.. propz 2 u hun...wun lurv...

This Is A Really Good Topical For A 14 Year Old I'm 14 But You Got Skill Man And Stay Around Cause If That You 4 Years Later You Will Be Alright Man....Even Though This Topic Is On RV Itz Okey.....Emotion And Imagery Were Awesome....Stay Up

Thanks for all the kids who left feed I can elevate from. It really meens alot to me.

As for my age, I dont know if its such a big deal. I guess you can say it has to do with a level a maturity. But I, myself dont think im THAT mature. I need to look up words, get a bigger vocabulary, which will come in time of schooling. But for the most part, Im just an average kid who plays sports and writes as a hobby.

Thanks for the feed again gentlemen. Leave links, I promise I will get to the asap.

Up.

yea this was pretty tight, now i dont have a dad so i cant really relate to this but i still could find the emotional parts in it, the vocab was good and the flow was pretty much perfect, every line was good there was no fillers, hit up "Just like he said" in my sig its a long read but i one an award for it so just leave feedback on that, peace.

Thankyou.

Up up and away!

this was dope iwas feeling it good job
wit dat up yo http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=263249

I would leave feed, but, you give me a half of line on "yo this was dope."

I appreciate you reading this, if you did that at most. But atleast leave some feed.

Until then, fuck your peice.

Up.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Po'

I would leave feed, but, you give me a half of line on "yo this was dope."

I appreciate you reading this, if you did that at most. But atleast leave some feed.

Until then, fuck your peice.

---

I left you good feed, go return the favour on mine :).

William Nolan

Motherfucker I know. Lol.

I have a basketball game.

I said I'll do it asap.

this was excellent. You kept on topic throughout the entire piece, vocab was good, and imagery was there. Flow was good as well. I normally dont like that structure with all of the periods, but thats just imo. Keep it up.

Thankyou.

Up?

I really liked how you approched this topic here.I read this piece and it was dope.You had a good opener to open peoples eyes to read the piece and thats good.And as we go further into the piece the Imagry and emotion gets real strong in this piece.Cuz when I read it I could picture and really feel what was going on in this piece and that is real good.And your structure was real good and the use of your of you vocabulary was good.Overall this was a really dope piece from you mad props homie.Keep up the good work.Hope to see some more dope stuff from you soon.And whenever you get a chance can you hit the link up in my sig thanks

Jeah.

Thanks yo.

Alright.

I'll have time way later today.

Leave links and I'll get to it.

I will up this for the last time.

Aight then, Po. Straight from the off, you were into your piece.
Like you put yourself in the persons shoes, and just vented what's
on your chest. Which to me is a good quality to have because
it can only draw more emotion from yourself. The father/son
concept has been written about before, but you tackled it in
your own way and didn't let up. What I did see was some
forced rhyming which in all honestly, wasn't needed. But I could
see your effort to try to keep it on point. Overall you had all
the hall marks of a decent writer. All you gotta do is keep
it up. . & KEEP WRITING. Cuz you're gonna be dope.

-Brix.

pretty cool.. tite writing.. rythm more like a poem than a rap... some decent voc's n mults... concept was ok ish.. still you gave it originality so kudos for that..nice style n flow..
i like the way you flowed the lines to the next and linked the bars .. good internal rhymes..good imagery yaeh..

dope drop.. stay 1


rtf
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=263288

Thanks Vortex.

And Brix, yeah man. Thanks, boosts my confidence.

Im writing one right now matter fact. Once I get out of school.

no links.