'Black Widow' Feat: Paranoid I.J.L

Paranoid

Only these ladies..
Could snitch at the heart and break me apart
My polluted dreams are horrid around her…
Keepin alliterate decision from a ultimate downer
I proceed to keep love separate from hate
But it’s hard to isolate the black widow’s away
So I’m all runnin around as paranoid as can be
Oh no! she’s lookin at me, So I jumped a plea
But I couldn’t front a g…
That’s why I’m absolute like a lie that’d she’d pursuit
Obviously evil was turning me downwards to hell
It’s wasn’t a reward to dwell towards the cell
Perverted immigrants are the couples she enjoyed
Impossible to agree but at least their employed
After seconds her whisper would creep silence
Provided her own anatomy, she’d weep violence
Creating a awful image, others hated her sway
The way she spoke, never so polite but it faded away
The way the kinda women these days could be
Never so cool , this rich chick aint good for me.


Illus' Artis

A Consistent poison bite right
through unbinding our plight.
Wife she didn't deserve the label you wasn't ready right
Treated her like a daisy blew her kisses in all directions.
Trust u questioned, love is action and I showed affection.
Severed the connection.Too shrewd cold-hearted n crude.
Never ending scheme, women haunted my dreams.
It seems things get better but u look so good in jeans.
In 8 days 8 legs bit me 8 ways ladies I'm left dazed.
Amazed the way your hips strut, I stayed gazed.
Didn't stray away from y’all sadistical plagues.
Hairstyle I loved, the braids webbed me with lust.
Pulled you hair when making love. You shoved.
Left me with emotional goose bumps, left as a stump.
verbally words were lunged, my physical trembled.
My heart dwindled but orally u blew me so I rekindled.
Just another plot to take shots.
These ladies lips took advantage of my weak spots.



Links:
Bounce
Percept

Oh yes if this gets slept on
I am coming after the people that
I have critiqued..


Good day.

It was good overall. I think paranoid can do much better cause his rhymes seem obvious and too simplistic but it fit with the topic. Ya vocab can do much better and im sure you got more potential in you.

Illus you were good. Ya vocab was good and you told the story well. This seemed interesting and the flow was ok. Both ya structures were good but can be better. This was a good piece but there are some holes that need to be filled. Increase the vocab and pick up the flow a bit and you guys will do better.

appreciate the feed...

dope.

Nice, nice. Both used internal rhyme and multis effectively. Illus's looser structuring of rhymes was interesting, but I prefer metaphor over descriptive lines. Both of your writing styles worked well together and made for a great read. Good stuff.

This was hot... Both came nice but Bio*Chemist fuckin killed it

Thanks Appreciate the feed
from both.



Feed us more man where hungry.

Feed us before I have to pimp smack.

Feed us..

I love you you love me lets all get together
and feeeeeeed meee

Cant believe this is slept on...

^words, props son.

yeah you got a good way with words going on here.. structure was tite as virgin vagina... i'd say your voice came thru well in the words.... interesting layout and delivery...did have a few nice multis that i liked.. vocab was cool....flow was on...
the end line wasnt the greatest ive seen... part from that ill piece

stay 1


feell free to comment on a OM in my sig

1.1

oops wow at my finger slipping
can you believe that ?



Feedback please thank you.

uppin...........this is mad old lmao.

if I waited maybe 11 days it would be exactly a year since I last upped this thread. HELP!

ill edit in feed here let me read the verses now

...wow..sorry for the late feed para and illus... this to me was a nice read.. i havent seen much work from illus in past years adn para this will most likely be my first piece reading since you have gone audio man... i think para had the nice G style flow while illus came with the poetic and versatile flow... both were nice reads man it was cool seeing an old piece like this..shows the glory days of how OM used to be without expecting so much of a writer...ya know..nice dorp guys again sorry for the late feed im here to feed and help like you asked!

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ge-332764.html
^^
para i know you dont really read om's anymore but hit that :vanja:

i cant remember if i peeped that or not...lol up i guess