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Inevitable Fate(Illy)
Inevitable Fate
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Curtains closed, lights dimmed, some faintly flickering candles
Escaping satirical scandals, how malignant media mishandles
Empty notepad as my words freely float around in atmosphere
Blocked by brainwashing remarks of sharks eager to profiteer
Of my thorough talent but unaware they’re destroying my skills
Terrified to tell the torturing threats filling me as I utter soft shrills
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Silently sitting still, awaiting for creativity to finally fall upon me
But my mind dares not to free its power, so caged by boundary
For they will steal my genius ideas like a mere thief in the night
And so I refuse to ignite my ability to write as an undivided right
I gradually gaze around me to see piranhas creepily closing in
Put myself in mental prison, paranoia as my sweet, chosen sin
For I feel bold beast’s breathe in my neck, desiring my demise
All alone without any allies, craving for the moon’s dun disguise
No one on eerie earth is worth my trust, guided by luscious lust
Merely money as must, blinded by wealth which wakes disgust
Trapped in careful consciousness that limits my sole potential
Cannot shout out loud, gone is freedom as good life’s essential
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Fluorescent lights shining down on me, no more pen nor pad
Ghosts dressed in white coats staring, whispering: “how sad
When you think about talent she had, artists always go mental
They are lived by society until their fame turns too detrimental
Getting locked up inside a fantasy world they came to create
Example of mental clinic’s bait for it’s an artist’s inevitable fate”
Links:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...72#post3599972
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...82#post3599982
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nice OM man. I liked it. Nice vocab, metaphors, everything was on point here. Liked the topic too. Keep it up.
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=256133
^ Leave feed
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I Appreciate The Feed.....
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That shit dope I like how tha vocab comes in and everything I see no problems at all wit this flo
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Aight Better Feed Plz....
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Atleast Ur Peepin It.....Bump
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I like the fact that you chose a topic rarely discussed- seemed like you had a pretty good grasp on a subject that you most likely really aren't familiar with, unless you really are a famous artist who has gone crazy. So - while you didn't discuss a life experience it was fully believable. There was some originality in the thoughts that might plague a person driven by craze, but a lot of it seemed beautifully stereotypical. What I mean by this is- You wrote it beautifully, but the ideas were very common. If you could perhaps, work in this piece, or another some - things that have made you think you were crazy- maybe do a tad bit of research on some symptoms of crazyness. I dunno, do as much as you need to do to elevate.
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Multies: Great when they appeared
Flow: Great
Vocab: Excellent
Structure: Great
Wordplay: Great
Emotion: Evident
ADVICE:
Maybe some more multies but thats it...keep doin what u doin...
PS: If ya ever wanna get down with a crew, u gotta spot at GD if ya wanna take it...
VERDICT: 9.5/10
...fantastic....
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i thought overall ya piece was gud,voab was nice, structure was ill
concept was creative...emotion cud a been more desperate...the only
thing about this peice i suggest you look at is ya transitions from word
to word and line to line...it makes a differnce...some real sharp transitions
in thurr...kills flow...example
Curtains closed, lights dimmed, some faintly flickering candles
Escaping satirical scandals, how malignant media mishandles
first lines good...note the transitions in the second line
escaping to satirical
milignant tomedia to mishandles
the transition kills the flow thurrs a couple more like that...so
think about fixing that and ya drops will elevate to anutha level
keep em commin... peace
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yea, now that you mention that, i can see how the transition kill the flow slightly...thanks for pointin that out lol...
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This piece had nice imagery. You had a colorul and well done vocabulary. Your structure was on point which lead to good flow. Nothing was really forced either so that helped it aswell. Good stuff kid!
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oh yea, i was gonna say too, that the title 'Inevitable Fate'....well, fate you cant control so there really is no need for the word 'inevitable' cuz thats what fate is
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This was a good read, and the piece gave off an emotional sense as it was meant to. This had a good grasp of the ideas and thoughts that would go through writers minds and the vocabulary was really on point.
There wasn't any notice of forced rhymes which was good because the structure stayed on topic really well and the wordplay helped accompany this.
I didn't find this too long because of the depth it brought the reader to get to.
I had to read each line by line with an understanding of how they might be feeling, and because the vocab was well written, it made me think about this piece more. You have potential and great talent.
This was poetry at its finest and i'm a lil picky on this, but the lay out was perfect and neat.
Keep droppin, and could ya vote on some of the battles in my sig when you have the time? Thnx fam, appreciate it
~1~
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I liked this man. You had good vocabulary which help make a strong imagery. You grab'd my attention through the whole thing. Nice ish, keep up the work. Join Capo's.
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Peep Dick Headz :thumbsdow
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i liked this shit man, good flow, good vocab, good imagery, nothing to really grill ya on, its all pretty real
"Of my thorough talent but unaware they’re destroying my skills
Terrified to tell the torturing threats filling me as I utter soft shrills"
that bar was sweet man, favorite one..kept everything neat, and nothing forced...anyway stay up man..keep writin this type' shit and ill be back to read more
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http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=255653
nice voab. structure was perfect. literally, good job with this, the structure lead to a good flow, which lead to a good reads, also some nice imagery, soom rhymes seemd a lil forced though, nonetheless, keep it up, and peep my OM, the prophet: man vs machine
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I Fucking Hate Om's No1 Replyz
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just ignore everone to a certian point. in reality if you where to always think you not as good as you really are but keeping in mind that your the best. dont down yourself but prefect it and dont merdge your style untill your open to everyones style. at that point its all about practise and experience. training you and your mind is key in life, everones life is diffrent so everone has diffrent ways but the learning prossess is still the same. like guitar for example you train your hands and mind to use this tool to make music wich is pritty complex. anything is the same your just training yourself to make things you do easier, faster and better. in a sence you could do anything with this if you apply it to life it could help alot. ya words touch me but ya need to bring ya mind out onto paper alot more but ya good
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nice imagery. ............You had a bright and well done vocabulary.......... structure was on point which leads to good flow..........Nothing really forced either so that helped it, a bit more multis will help it out.
quotables-
Curtains closed, lights dimmed, some faintly flickering candles
Escaping satirical scandals, how malignant media mishandles
Getting locked up inside a fantasy world they came to create
Example of mental clinic’s bait for it’s an artist’s inevitable fate”
a alot more good quotables, good job
return the feed-
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...04#post3635304
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i thought the vocab and the flow was great, but i feel as if this verse was alittle played out with the font and all the spaces and the dots and shit, i feel like you where trying to make this too perfect and the imperfections in a verse is wat makes it special, but overall the verse was great i just didnt really like the presentation that you tried to, just seemed alitte cheesy, i just gotta do some constructive critisicm so atleast you can take sumthin from my feedback, feel me?, anyways yea this verse was good, 8/10...
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oh yea just hit up that link in my sig and that would be tight, peace.
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Multies: 7/10
Flow: 8/10
Vocab: 8/10
Structure: 7/10
Wordplay: 7.5/10
Emotion: 6/10
concept: 7/10 :2thumb:
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