Heart On My Sleeve

To what friends i have im sorry but in Vain You Help
Falling off your bike as a kid is the only Pain You've Felt
I cant describe how crazy or tragic this Life's Been
Ive been in a nightmare since birth i need a Nice Dream
Cant never seem to grasp it, by Thirty In A Casket
That's the stone truth people wanna Hurt Me Im A Bastard
I dont blame my mother for that, well not One Hundred Percent
The stench from my shallow grave im Under The Scent
So how can i breath positive? their is No Way
My temper is still flaring and it's a Cold Day
If i walked outside now the climate would Freeze My Tears
They say it isnt the way but i use alcohol to Ease My Fears
The only thing im scared of is a women Birthing My Seed
Im no type of role model plus the devils Cursing My Breed
Shit, what the hell could i do to fucking Change That
Im fighting with my own heart thinking wheir's my Brain At



It's the early hours and im putting Depression Into Words
Im really from the street you cant learn Lessons In The Burbs
And if that's where YOU dwell dont say Somewhere Else
The residents of the estate that im from None Bare Wealth
If they own their own home they did it through Hard Work
Wheir marked for jail or death and no doubt the Scars Hurt
You cant heal them with love or the promise of a Good Job
As a kid my peers told me if i wanted then i Should Rob
But i never did, how the hell could i rob my Own Kind
I just lied i stole once or twice but i got my Own Mind
I was drinking lager and smoking weed by the Age Of Eight
I hope you pussies are still listening to my Page Of Hate
If you can identify with me then i got Respect For You
Im a cold hearted cunt who dont care for the Next Whore Who
Say's she loves me but wants me to Calm Down
I'll change if god puts a future in my Palm Now

shit was aite.

i was definitely feelin' this one tho

Quote:

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Originally Posted by warchild

The only thing im scared of is a women Birthing My Seed
Im no type of role model plus the devils Cursing My Breed

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definitely some hot lines, but i thought a lot of it could have sounded a lot better with another adjective or two.

with 1900 posts tho, i'd think you'd know to drop links.

keep up the good work mane

i felt this alot
nice drop im feeling this man

Links:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=239624
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=240099

Uppin This.

Sorry Man, I Didnt Like This At All.

It Was Faaaaaar To Basic.
I Didnt Really Feel Any Of The Things You Said,
And What You Did Say Lacked Alot Of Good O.M. Qualities.

Emotion, Eh, If You Used More Descriptive And Engaging Words It Could Have Been Good.
Epecially With The Topic You Chose
... The Emotion Should Have Just Been Oozing Off The Page You Know?

Imagery, There Really Wasnt Any.
So Ya, Next Time Through In Some Description Of What You're Trying To Convay.

This Piece Wasnt Very Consistant,
I Mean The Entire First Half Was Just... Blah.
You Did However Pick It Up In The Second Verse,
But For Me It Was Just To Little To Late.

Sorry Man, But I'll Check Out Something Else You've Done Later.

Atticus your entitled to your opinion but this isnt that bad its not on a par with some of my other verses but the flow is good, multies in every bar so dont hate on the flow. I dont put loads of big words into my bars because that doesnt make your pieces better. I write shit that everybody can understand. Hate if you wanna hate but i know my verses are dope, flow is dope.

???

*Scratches Head*

Eeeeerm, I Never Once Said Anything About Your Flow Man.

And Im Not Hating, Im Just Trying To Give My Imput So You Can Improve Next Time,
Thats The Purpose Of Posting In Here.

And Please Return The Favor On My Piece: "Beneath The Hourglass"

The only thing im scared of is a women Birthing My Seed
Im no type of role model plus the devils Cursing My Breed

It's the early hours and im putting Depression Into Words
Im really from the street you cant learn Lessons In The Burbs

^These were my favorite bars- I was feelin this drop. There were a few spots that just seemed like they didnt fit really or kinda dragged it out. The second verse was the best IMO. It started stronger and was consistent.

This was alright...I thought you were going to go deeper considering the topic, but you brought a lot of emotion, which was a good thing and it overshadowed the simplicity..things can be simple..i dont know why people try to find the most complex things..a topical piece can be simple people..anyway, my favorite part:

I dont blame my mother for that, well not One Hundred Percent
The stench from my shallow grave im Under The Scent
So how can i breath positive? their is No Way
My temper is still flaring and it's a Cold Day
If i walked outside now the climate would Freeze My Tears
They say it isnt the way but i use alcohol to Ease My Fears
The only thing im scared of is a women Birthing My Seed
Im no type of role model plus the devils Cursing My Breed

I read that out loud. I don't know, I was just feeling that a lot. Good part.

You had some other good one liners, but this section stood out to me the most. Overall, I liked this a lot better than your last piece..more developed and great emotion..cool shit

-Nique

ill man really liked it but im from L.A. watts to be exact and thas ghetto as hell but its still a suburb just like compton, south central, inglewood, and pasidena and ive learned alot comin up in L.A. so u cant guess bout that

yo this drop was good homey aint nothin really bad to say about it

this piece was nice..your emotion and your vocab was very nice.....you had some very intricate wordplay and your topic was covered very nicley...not too indepth but it had enough deepness...your rhyme scheme i enjoyed and the multis were very well utilized...all in all i enjoyed this piece....you have skill and your usin it very nicely...keep droppin tha hottness.~1~

yo kidd .....you displayed skill.....everything was perfect....I think a lil too perfect....its suppose to be an emotional drop but its just mellow and calm....you got the wordplay/metas/multies...but it just lacks emotion....What I try to do when I write a rhyme like this is do it like a battle.....shoot from the hip and throw in a meta or some wordplay if it suits the moment....seems more real and explosive at least to me...after I do that then I try to go back and make some edits if I feel like it to add some techniques...the point is though to make sure your emotion shows.....shits well written ....its jus the emotion that should be there isnt there though

I kinda agree with ole boy atticus...in the aspect that you could've dug deeper...we both scatterbrained it seems so I can understand where you comin from but some of the lines didn't make sense to me. But that last line is gonna end up bein someone's motto...Flow was there but it felt like you sacrificed some of your concept for the sake of flow...overall though this piece wasn't as bad as he was makin it out to be but it should have went deeper..you only scratched the surface with this one

first off let me say that u could of did a lot better... i seen ur drops i kno wat ur capable of.. this was way to basic for u ... ur vocab was very shallow and ur mutlis well there was some but not wat uve displayed in the past... this was an average drop n i kno for u , u want ur drops to be above average shit everybody does... u were definitely too simplistic... this piece was also lackin emotion, dont take this the wrong way im jus being open to u... and based off ur past drops i kno ur way better than this... im not sayin it was garbage cuz it wasnt the flow was coo i jus think u could of stepped up and made it fire... thanks for the reply on my post, appreicate it ... but i wanna see the twisted unordinary warchild that ive seen before...

Thanks i really appreciate all the feed, i wrote this about 3 months ago, when i write my main focus has always been the flow i just enjoy throwing multies into my work and yeah sometimes i do sacrafice my vocab for flow.
Sometimes i can join the two together to make something hotter, sometimes i just go over the top with the flow but im always improving with the vocab so i'll keep on improving and the next piece i write is gonna be crazy shit lol.
Thats what i enjoy writing the most.

Definitly could of dug deeper, however there was still a lot emotion still in this piece. Structure was good and the multi's were good. I do think there were some things that could've been described better or more creatively, but that's all I got to say. Good write.

Warchild how u bin homs? This piece was very deep, u came with some of your best vocab in this piece and i felt the power of the vocab to. This was a piece that kept me reading alot and i had to read it at least three times before dropping because u was so good! Keep writing your dope shit warchild u have a talent and your pieces prove that. Keep it up!

^Thanks for the feed, im logging off so im uppin this.

Uppin.

yo i like it man u had excellent word play keep it up aight man

First Thing You One Of The Best I Have Met When It Comes To Word Selection Usage And Play. Also I See Your Very Graphic And Intent On Not Just Entertaining But Conveying Your Ideas I Think You Have That Rare Gift Twin And You Can Only Elivate.

Appreciate the feed uppin this again. Im gonna work on a couple of new verses tonight and tommorow so i should have another OM up by Sunday.

The Peice Could Definitley Relate To A Spread Of People
You Really Put Things Into Prespective From Your Eyes
It Was Good Oh And I agree Maybe A Lil To Perfect
But YOu Can't Say Nothin Bad About It
Really Felt It
Keep Em Comin
___________________________________
Links:http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=227756
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=226347

Quote:

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If i walked outside now the climate would Freeze My Tears

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Wish you woulda had more lines that had the same impact that that did. Don`t think you always need complex shit for emotion. That line was simple. But had so much emotion in it. Feel me? This was a nice drop. Don`t need to capitalize ur rhymes tho lol. Just work on lettin` the emotion come off natural. Keep doin` ur thing.

i felt this alot man causde i feel what u going though nice concept, structure, everything was on the right tracc

9.8/10