20-30+
blind
topic-homelessness
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20-30+
blind
topic-homelessness
checked, 48 hrs to drop after both checkins.......
checkity check imma do dis right afta my battle wit seth aight
A Working Man's Sharade
I see my reflection in friends, a pen scratches a checklist,
Touque and torn mittens, check, panhandling a deathwish,
Check. People toss biscuits, which I always take for granted
I never meant to be helpless, it just sort of...happened.
To sum it up in a sentence, would be beyond comprehension
Relieving some of the tension, I would leave an impression...
Wifey's not stressed about pension, now I've got the scratch
If a picture says 1000 words, how long will this sharade last?
The first half of my day, I preach lies and false exclamations
My wife thinks I've been promoted, working for our nation
But I steal with patience, tax scandals were never an option
With media watchin', you can't scam a convict at a police auction
So I turned to street talkin, for overtime pay from the oblivious
Escapin from from politics, usin my makeup kit to be inconspicious
Monday's I act hungry "Im starving, please, help out the needy..",
What I mean to say is "I need a big screen t-v, come on, im greedy!"
Stealin tax-payers money, now even the green of the homeless
With all the foodstamps I make, I can even get free lunches!
Following my hunches, I keep away from the actual unfortunate
Seen body's bend to pre-portion rations like they contortionists
Really I need to be aborting this, people are dying cause of me
Probably falling to their knees but I can't live without paws in green
So every day, a new scene, I wear a new wig, a new demonstration
I act homless with patience, saving up for my dream vacations
But everytime I hear the phrases: "Empty your pockets or die bitch"
I think it's just another example of how politics lie to get rich...
DAMN!, That Shit Is Fire Dawg, Nice As Hell.......
hawt...Quote:
Originally Posted by Awh.Chew
spit fireeeee...
this is two parts iight a first person view and a story line of the struggles iight i hope u all like it
Polished imitators claim they know about poverty,
but imitators dont know whut its like to be me
strugglin on the streets jus tryin to succeed
no money in my pocket and food is all i need
no one is there to help me, noone even cares
as i beg for money the only thing i get is stares
noone wants to help me, all they do is judge
cant take that one step forward, all i need is a nudge
....story...
i walk down the streets after jus awakenin for the day
i wonder around town knowin i have no place to stay
i hit up the local burger king, prayin on my knees
that i got enough money for a whopper wit cheese
thirty two cents short, so now i'm feelin kinda down
so i walk out the door and continue my trip round town
Later
The light is slowly dimmin, as the sun begins to set
A thought accurs to me... i got no place to sleep yet
My friend had told me earlier of a shelter that i can stay
but the house is down on broadway, and that too far out the way
i hang my head in shame as i walk on down the street
all i need is a place to sleep and maybe somethin to eat
I see a abandoned house tucked away back in an alley
but it has a roof..to me it looks like a lucious green vally
i sneek in through a windown, but my stomach begins to growl
I look around the house for comfort but all i spot is a towel
i roll it up as a pillow and search for a place of comfort
i find a dusty mattres in the back of an abandoned room
a broken window in the corner. light floods in from the moon
i curl up in the bed and i slowly close my eyes
and i can think of is..... "i wish i would jus die"
Ahah shit.. both of these battles were hott.. im not gonna comment on every bar.. but I liked both topics.. they were il.. one bout a guy who pretends to be homeless.. another bout a man who cant get sometin to eat and find a place to sleep.. both very creative.. Hollywoudnt had a better use of vocabulary.. but Imma have to say that I liked DVSMIND's story better.. creative bout how hes short $$$ for a wopper.. But then again the greedy line in hollywoudnt's TOPICAL was Ill too.. I duno yo.. my gutt tells me that DVSMIND's verse was more realistic and heart felt and shit.. like he put feeling into this verse.. w/e yo.. mind made up.. HOT BATTLE.. Both lyrical genius's in this battle..
V/DVSMIND
B eZ
this wuz wrote from personal experience dawg i used to be homeless so this topical really ment something to me
hmm uppppp............................................
...........................................2...... ..
bump..............................................
good topical
will return votes honestly, drop link
DVS, I Dont Care If It Was From Personal Experience, It Wasnt Too Good. Your Imagery And Vocab Were Lacking Big Time. Holly, Great Piece, Imagery And Multies Were Great. Along With Vocab And Rhyme Scheme. Wonderful.
Vote- Holly.
up'n
I really don't like voting on topicals because I don't write topicals and it's hard for me to judge, but I'm returning the favor....
Holly - Good piece, overall, good piece. The makeup line was my favorite, I thought that was pretty clever but you had a lot of clever lines, I just don't feel like mentioning them all. Good use of vocab and you had a good mix of story telling and imagery. At times I felt like there were lines that you could do away with and didn't add anything but it's all good. Finally, I want to say I really like the direction you took this. You could have just talked about how much it sucks to be homeless, but you made some great political points about the way this nation works and I was very impressed with the way you ended the piece.
DVS - Overall, aight peace. Nothing exceptional and nothing bad at all. You need to work on your vocab a little as it wasn't as broad as his and your piece flowed, but also not as well as his did as a few of your rhymes seemed a bit forced. You took the more conventional road with this piece talking about it sucking to be homeless. Nothing wrong with that, but if you did I feel like you needed a bit more imagery and less storytelling. I mean i know that homeless people beg, no need to storytell, just talk about emotions, tears, fears, shit like that. The line about only getting stares was nice, you needed more like that.
Overall, both came aight, but I think holly clearly won this in about every aspect with more vocab, better flow, and a better story that took an unconventional approach to the topic and made some great political points.
Vote - Holly
thanks....
That was aight but I hope it wasnt a battle. but now yall both got heat.
holly should'nt have even try'ed to battle DVS cause dat niggas jus riped dat kat up so i gotta give dis one to DVS...
hollywoodnt, your verse was dope, i saw many great lines in there...very discriptive and i enjoyed reading it...it told a great story that kept me in tuned with it the whole way through...just a nice peice all around..you get my vote
DVSMIND, some lines of yours seemed a bit forced or stretched...you had a good verse though dont get me wrong i liked reading it but there were times when the flow was off and i had to re-read the line to make it flow as i read it....it told a great story that really enjoyed...it just simply wasnt as dope as hollys verse....
Vote: Hollywoodnt
ill post a link in a few seconds.......RTF.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=192044
There is a link.........get to it..
i vote for dvs cuz i was feeling his shit a little bit more and i just liked his verse and the rythme
I see my reflection in friends, a pen scratches a checklist,
Touque and torn mittens, check, panhandling a deathwish,
Check. People toss biscuits, which I always take for granted
I never meant to be helpless, it just sort of...happened.
To sum it up in a sentence, would be beyond comprehension
Relieving some of the tension, I would leave an impression...
Wifey's not stressed about pension, now I've got the scratch
If a picture says 1000 words, how long will this sharade last?
The first half of my day, I preach lies and false exclamations
My wife thinks I've been promoted, working for our nation
But I steal with patience, tax scandals were never an option
With media watchin', you can't scam a convict at a police auction
So I turned to street talkin, for overtime pay from the oblivious
Escapin from from politics, usin my makeup kit to be inconspicious
Monday's I act hungry "Im starving, please, help out the needy..",
What I mean to say is "I need a big screen t-v, come on, im greedy!"
Stealin tax-payers money, now even the green of the homeless
With all the foodstamps I make, I can even get free lunches!
Following my hunches, I keep away from the actual unfortunate
Seen body's bend to pre-portion rations like they contortionists
Really I need to be aborting this, people are dying cause of me
Probably falling to their knees but I can't live without paws in green
So every day, a new scene, I wear a new wig, a new demonstration
I act homless with patience, saving up for my dream vacations
But everytime I hear the phrases: "Empty your pockets or die bitch"
I think it's just another example of how politics lie to get rich...
This was good you could have done better
Polished imitators claim they know about poverty,
but imitators dont know whut its like to be me
strugglin on the streets jus tryin to succeed
no money in my pocket and food is all i need
no one is there to help me, noone even cares
as i beg for money the only thing i get is stares
noone wants to help me, all they do is judge
cant take that one step forward, all i need is a nudge
....story...
i walk down the streets after jus awakenin for the day
i wonder around town knowin i have no place to stay
i hit up the local burger king, prayin on my knees
that i got enough money for a whopper wit cheese
thirty two cents short, so now i'm feelin kinda down
so i walk out the door and continue my trip round town
Later
The light is slowly dimmin, as the sun begins to set
A thought accurs to me... i got no place to sleep yet
My friend had told me earlier of a shelter that i can stay
but the house is down on broadway, and that too far out the way
i hang my head in shame as i walk on down the street
all i need is a place to sleep and maybe somethin to eat
I see a abandoned house tucked away back in an alley
but it has a roof..to me it looks like a lucious green vally
i sneek in through a windown, but my stomach begins to growl
I look around the house for comfort but all i spot is a towel
i roll it up as a pillow and search for a place of comfort
i find a dusty mattres in the back of an abandoned room
a broken window in the corner. light floods in from the moon
i curl up in the bed and i slowly close my eyes
and i can think of is..... "i wish i would jus die"
now this was tight i was feeling structure verse and rhythme
dvs
your stucture is pretty good and ya flow is pretty good but you need to learn how to use creativty in your lines and to be emotional topicals are pretty much poety so you can use the same things but overall i think you need to work on vocabulary, emotion, multiples and just be creative. and o yea your imagery wasn't bad it could have been a lot more better but overall i think you did decent with that.
Holly
well ya peice was a lot better your stucture is very good and ya flow is very good you use very good vocabulary but i think you need to use multiples a lot more both internal and normal ones and well ya imagery was pretty good best part in ya peice it was on topic very well and ya emotion held shit together gracefully. keep writing like this only thing i'd change was work on multiples. 1
rtf in my battle vs killa its a topical as well so please RTF! links in the sig.
rise
Ahah shit.. both of these battles were hott.. im not gonna comment on every bar.. but I liked both topics.. they were il.. one bout a guy who pretends to be homeless.. another bout a man who cant get sometin to eat and find a place to sleep.. both very creative.. Hollywoudnt had a better use of vocabulary.. but Imma have to say that I liked DVSMIND's story better.. creative bout how hes short $$$ for a wopper.. But then again the greedy line in hollywoudnt's TOPICAL was Ill too.. I duno yo.. my gutt tells me that DVSMIND's verse was more realistic and heart felt and shit.. like he put feeling into this verse.. w/e yo.. mind made up.. HOT BATTLE.. Both lyrical genius's in this battle..
V/DVSMIND
i fu ask me i would give dis battle to DVSMIND because he has better structure,flow,wordplay, and he keep his dis focused on his oppentent..
and the other guy's shit was iight but my overall vote goes to DVSMIND....
v//DVSMIND
DVSMIND got this win because I like the way his word'z were used, he had good structure, and the bar'z were about the same size, so my vote is DVSMIND!!