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Treasure Lost
All day I stand watch of the treasure I have lost
I pray that I don't pollute the air with mental exhaust
at what cost, am I to feel as if my will has gone soft
being a witness to what I can't have is a curse
I enlist the power of a raw fist, to exemplify hurt
I'm exempt from lying, as the truth reasserts
if it is really worth trying, to be concise in a verse
when the actions around me can speak on their own
they are distractions, that I must pay back like a loan
simple attractions, get me in more trouble than I'm prone
stealing satisfactions, when my world's a cyclone
all alone, staring at the events that are around me
take a deep breath and not let them surround me
in spite of these, proceedings that astound me
in sight to see, this punish-ment of not attaining
now similar to lent, my moral strength is straining
but now I'm refraining, from a different kind of habit
looking back at the past, as I safely inhabit
have the present last, and can't seem to grab it
but I'm glad it, is dragging on, even if so dilatory
where this nagging's from, is my past glory
it is too late to cash in this treasure, end of story
the prize is irretrievable, and the choice has tore me
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i wasnt feeling the peice but still its all right i dont no much bout these things but over all i give u 6/10
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lol at "these things"...up
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returning da favour homs
boy dis is kinda baflin but gud at da same time,you had a gud topic but da rhymes were a lil mad. but keep spitting coz u got sum gud rhymes!
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yeah i give it a 7.5-8/10...im' returnin dis favor boi..
Deep piece..you got that Common/Kanye(on his deep days) feeling...That Talib Kweli...das dope...you got nice vocab..and for the big words u flow'd well..make sure u stick to the topic tho fam...i like da piece...and it made me wanna go help u find da treasure..Keep Rhymin u gonn put all da pieces together soon...
Church
Holla At Ya Gerl..
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returning the favor..............
I liked the wordplay in the middle it was choppy in a good way
it was like you were just serving your rhyme face first, i was feeling it
but it got a little lax towards the end, not the last two lines but the two befor those kinda fell off.. but it was definetly tight i was feeling it.....
hit up my piece Its not me.......Its not me and get you back again also
Im out peaceeeeeeeeeeeeee
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U had very nice intensity there man and u had a good drop in general I was feeling ur flow Fa sure...U had like a special kind of flow that i liked and thats what made me think that ur whole piece overall was good very nice rhyming too.Keep up that good work.
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although i thought that this was a good piece on the whole...it had good flow and the vocab wasn't simple...it was well put together...but the thing that i think that let it down a bit was the simple rhyming structures that you were using on the ends of the lines...other than elevating on that...think you've a good peice here...
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seemed an alright topic you had there...vocab was on point it seems and created a picture in my mind 7/10
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looking to get some more views
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it was alright good flow but could have used better vocab keep elevatin dawg
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what ever happen to Renegauge in his battle...he was kid of hot...he did get shit on..by those fucked up viewers..i like his last flow....peace out
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that was nice, my honest opinion is that you can do better.
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..Nice drop
As i read through your piece, i notice that you are an over average writer..
..You know how to structure a piece, you know where and when to fill a sentence in with a good rhyme
You have a good vocab, wich is a must, to be honest, with Open Mics..
..The one thing that dissapointed me really was the fact that your topic didn't catch me and grip me
What you were writting about was kinda lame..
..With your O.M writing skill, and some improvment with your topics, i tip that you will be `one fuck` of a OM writer on and off RB!
All in all..
..Very impresed, mayne! :thumbup:
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I really liked it. It's alot like the shit I do, I like the deep stuff, Kweli, Common are my favorite artist and this was very well done...
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...19#post2381719
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Well Crazy Carl (If that is your real name) I'm not really feeling your rhymes you get where i am going, Maybe if you just CHILL and take some lessons from the man 2 pack or biggie mall then you could be as good as one of those two are now! Just read it over and over again until u can see new rhymes dogg
4.8/10
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^Ok, I'll ask "2 Pack or Biggie" for some pointers.
Bump.
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This was a nice piece...Ive seen better from you tho...I liked ur imagery, vocab could be more complex, but it was ok.....I think your pieces could be doper if you work on a better rhyme scheme...But overall this was nice, If you could please drop feedback on my latest OM...The Excrushiating Journey, Links in my sig ;)
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eem, i was feeling this peice, however it was kinda confusing, possibly because i am not very topically inclined, but still nice use of vocab and it flowed extremely well, keep it up, and maybe make it slightly longer so more emphasis can be used on the topic.
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thx for the suggestions homie
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complexity is always good
if you understand this we prob have a similar style
