Dmitre The Nomad

Your first love? .. It should be for the love of others!
A man’s utter devotion to his sisters and his brothers
And from the fetal position, to marriage ..
.. And even beneath the covers
If needs be - get down on your knees & carry your mother!

…

Dmitre was an ex-citizen of the collapsed Soviet Union,
He worked his way out of eastern Europe, eager to prove himself
Emigrated to the States, leaving his family in his wake
It’s like he’s a dead man ..
.. & yet he’s gambling in the afterlife, for higher stakes

He studied Langston Hughes, & Edgar Allen too at college
Opened up his mind to things, expanded his base of knowledge
Changed up the times, and indulged in a cultured visage –
Mixing with the luscious types of females ..
.. Hereby maintaining, a positive self-image

Onward and upward he prospered, never in self-doubt
Taking all he was offered, that’s all he was ever about
He sent his family no regard, no words would be sent homeward
But in his shame he puts up a façade ..
.. This is the way of the lonesome nomad

…

He’s got that complex kind of mind, the kind that breaks anon
Decimation of every ex-flame that dares to make herself known
Ruthless at times - stereotypical I guess of his race
Yet he’s on the outside - fine ..
.. Of course, not wanting to stand disgraced

Deeper still, into the black market trade he’s now immersed in
Out of his depth seemingly, his own brothers would curse him
His mother lay awake at night, wondering what became of him
He’s out of the way, and out of sight
.. She’s yearning just to cradle him

So while our Dmitre is in debt, & on the run from the government
Something sets in at last, and he discovers the holy covenant
Comes to his senses, so to speak, only it’s all too late
The state’s coming down on him ..
.. He doesn’t have too long now to wait

…

Your first love? .. It should be for the love of others!
A man’s utter devotion to his sisters and his brothers
And from the fetal position, to marriage ..
.. And even beneath the covers
If needs be - get down on your knees & carry your mother!

LINKS FOR CREDZ:

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...15#post2297515
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...30#post2297530

wow very deep piece. the story was great and seemed very realistic at the same time. i am sure this happens to many people in his situation. the writing was very nice. i was blown away by how easy a read this was. very easy read but very deep meaning. it seemed like nothing was forced and you said everything you set out to. very nice job. good meter good story good overall read.

if you can peep my piece drugs in my sig or vote on my battle in ss i would be thankful

Not a bad drop here, Very creative. Likes the imagery alot. The sroty was alright too.
Even tho this was a good drop. I think it should've went in the Poetry section.

Why the fuck would I do that?! Because it wasn't boring generic homoness like 90% of this forum is?

It had a hook and it was set out to be an OM, retard. And it was a topical, hence the unusual story. Write something original for once in your life.

i dug the concept and the way the story developed, good, original structure as well man. the imagery was a little stripped down but thats ok for a piece of this length. i think your vocab could've been improved some, and a few multi's would've been good to see. but its a decent piece and worth the read.

keep on posting, if you could rep one of mine, i'd appricaite it.

lol@poetry section...lmao

good story man...the structure made the storyline easier to follow,so good choice on that.i felt the imagery could have been improved a little,but it seemed to me you didn't focus that much on imagery...i really liked the way the story evoulved(very easy to follow) and it was raw.the emotions was good and meaningful.the flow and rhymescheme were good,as i've always seen from you.overall a good read man.keep it up!

and if you could drop a feed in "a cubist poet"(in my sig) it would be much apreciated.

Peace!

^ Since you always seem to give good replies to my pieces, and to a lot of pieces generally, I am going to reply to that in depth at some point - give you some serious critcism and advice.

Johnny, there are a few reasons that this doesn't have a lot of multies, firstly to help the 'flow' of the verse, I went with internals more (eg. regard/façade etc.) .. secondly, it was because of the intonation of what I was saying. It had a lot of rhythm if you read it properly, the tone is great. I am more pleased with the overall standard of this than I have been with my writing for a while actually ..

I personaly think the imagery was fine in the piece, the structure and the vocab came across well which allowed the reader to easily folow the storyline ( which unfourtunatly to some extent is something that happens much to often). While there weren't many multi's in this piece I don't feel that they are necessary to have a good drop. It's more important to make sure that you paint a clear picture to the reader of what story you are telling or what point you are trying to get acoss. I don't use a lot of multi's in my writings so I think this came across very well. Nice piece man.

If you get time check out "Thought it was a dream", link in my sig

appreciated, peace

jekyll... this was really dope.

Thanks Na Ledge, and Sirus as well, thanks for peeping.

Very very nice work here.

Your tone was pretty damn good, that of a story teller. Great third person storytelling. I thought that the story itself was very original, new, and sweet. Bitter sweet. The emotion was very rapid fire, I felt that the climax of the piece was too short, too fast. As soon as it reached the pinnacle of emotion, it was over. I wish you would've gone a bit deeper into the sentiments of his family, even though you did a very good job as it is. Vocabulary was good, as always. Your words fit the piece well. Your rhythm and rhyme was very creative, a very interesting structure, you pulled it off well. Great story, strong tone, dope vocabulary, an original show-case of what a plot should be, and just a damn good read.

Thanks.

yo this was a nice piece of artwork u got hear.. very Imaginary I would say first.. and the story line fit perfectly on the choosen words u decided to use in this piece... again nothing mind blowing but an ejoyable read especially for a long piece as this.. my mind usually wanders off but this piece didn't.. keep elevating and forward to see more of ur work...

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=186975
Leave me feed and tell me wat u think of my verse bro...

the immagery was very nice in this piece,
catchy flow and the vocab was on point, ..
i liked the story line u used, and the way of concept usage ..

very well done, nice read man

hit up ''for old times sakes'

its an old piece but its worth reading, you should peep it ..peace.

Yep, replied to that, thanks for peeping. ;)

n/p

OM is getting slept only like whoa, back in the days people appreciated a good read, now all they want is a HOF spot.

if you find the time, peep the revised version of day and night.. other style of me.. maybe youll enjoy it.

Well of course I want to get in HOF.. but I'd rather read a lot of dope writing in this forum, than get in there just because of the general lack of talent.

If you look at this month's noms, most of them aren't all that breathtaking.

nope, i know ..cause i am not nominated my d/r is reduced lmao!

but yek, peep the day and night .. it might suprise you.

*should have known, hof will cause dr and that it will die soon talent wise, why did i made it up & happen!?!?*

Word, thanks for reading again. Up again.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jekyll

Why the fuck would I do that?! Because it wasn't boring generic homoness like 90% of this forum is?

It had a hook and it was set out to be an OM, retard. And it was a topical, hence the unusual story. Write something original for once in your life.

---

Becuase it seemed like a poetry peace, This was overatted imo. It was decent if anything. Alot of things you lacked. before you jupmed to conclusions with a remark think twice, I've be textin online for 4 years, Won one Poetry Contest and one Topical. So take this advice I give you seroius. Becuase you'll be the one going to sleep thinking about what I said not me.

Okay, no problem if you thought it was overrated, you can clearly see it's an OM though. I've won poetry contests and I've achieved a lot in topicals too. But it's whatever ..

Bump.

I liked the story. The way you structured the piece brought the storyline along, by introducing new elements. Some of those you could have wrote more on, such as the penultimate one about his family, which was one of my favorite sections. The way the last two lines in each section were structured, they had to be read correctly to not lose the flow. Putting in the internals helped this. I don't mind about the multis, because the piece is in sections. The vocab was nice, and the chorus fit the piece.
Return the feedback
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=185738

yo its aight man but need work on it work on flow and structure man needs alot of improvement but its still good man overall verse rate - 6.0/10

Shut the fuck up.

This was nice: A narrative that spaned almost a lifetime. I normally don't like people covering that much space in that few lines because of lack of detail, but you did it well. I liked the flow alot. It was really smooth. The only downside was, you didn't really make me care for the character. It was like reading a newspaper, instead of hearing a story first hand from the person who lived it or a close friend/relative. It was still a nice piece though. Keep up the good work.

This was really good, i really felt this one here. Story was good and a great read

Thanks W1cked and Intermental for reading.

stop the violence//increase the piece.

The topic was hot the way you dropped was official. The vocab was good the way you rhymed words was hot.

Keep doin ya thing cuz