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Thought it was a Dream
I'm a little rusty, but yea.....here it is
Thought It Was a Dream
an alarm clock goes off......
Emerge from my slumber like an infant out of the womb
Eyes glazed, mind dazed and overcome with gloom, it looms
Due to breif captions of a violent scene, somehow serene
My mental movie screen depicts an often reoccuring dream
Silent screams murder silence, attempt to define the pain
Extrimities are permiting me to inflict on one with my last name
Stone hands attempt to wring her neck like soaked clothes
Limp body froze, loosened life's grasp, my wife's eyes close
Her warm corpse lays lifeless parallel to my previous mark
Further proof that all's fair in war and matters of the heart
Her lover's frame sat slain, marred by numerous lacerations
Severing vital internal organs including his tool for procreation
Murderous plot stopped by the alarm clock, which awakens me
Snaps self back to reality, feel an emotional rush of complancency
Had concieved this grim deed, but was aware where it would lead
Since the plant we formed together had produced three seeds
True I knew the bitch was cheatin, had often considered leavin
But my little soldiers need guidenece and who else gon lead em
Seein my children in pain was more than my pysce could handle
So I plan to drown those bleek thoughts with shots of Jack Daniels
As hands grasp for the bottle, my soul suddenly stricken with greif
Seeing life's fluid stain my hands, bloodshot pupils stared in disbelief
Liquor mixed with bewilderment, engulfed a weary soul now defenseless
Confusion became reality, life's ironic illusion blurred once keen senses
Brusies and scratches showed signs of a stuggle, I was still befuddled
Muddled mind pirouetting like dancers, so weakend eyes struggled
To search the room for answers, they stopped at a blood puddle
Soaking the saatin sheets where two stiff silhouettes lay huddled
Prepared for the emotional storm as the mental puzzle started to shape
My worn body quickly rose to view the unbiblical couple's current state
It was vivid, two mangled bodies ridged, intertwined in a death dance
Three victims of sad circumstace, reality through my mind into a trance
Wondering how I would handle the tragic situation I was now facing
Heartbeat quicked................breath..................... mind started racing
Knew there were no exit doors from this horrible nightmarish plight
Execpt one that would only result in my eternal soul's final flight
Unwantlingly embracessed my only option, knew the end had begun
Rummaged through my cluttered closet, slowly eased out the gun
Accepted the fate that laid before me was one I couldn't bear
So I remorsefully put the gun against my temple and said a prayer
*BANG*
I thought it was a dream
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I liked the concept, and the how you were subtle with some ideas. The vocab was nice, fit the verse well. I though the word choice overall allowed there to be more description to the piece, as did the length of lines, filled with content. You flipped some lines well, changing from a simple idea, to a subtle one, that was more complex.
Return the feedback on "Soft Melody" in my sig.
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absolutly amazing. this is the best thing you have ever written and will be in the hall of fame. i cannot nominate it but anybody who has half a brain and can will. amazing. everything was on point and flow was amazing. super duper story. i was wrapped up the whole time. very very nice.
"Muddled mind pirouetting like dancers, so weakend eyes struggled
To search the room for answers, they stopped at a blood puddle
Soaking the saatin sheets where two stiff silhouettes lay huddled"
VERY cool stuff right there. simply amazing imagery. i used amazing like 5 times already. this is the best thing i have read in about a month i think. this might even get a legendary nod. very very well written.
HIT N RUN......we are elevating like astronauts
peep my new piece "drugs"
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Haha Na man you are so damn creative...but then again since i can remember youve always had your special touch...Your idea and this was brilliant and the way you depict your image in my head was fashionable...
Seeing lifes fluid stain my hand... <--I love how thats worded...
You have a great talent for dispensing your poetry in such a form that feels right...fitting perfectly in scenarios which could fit in song...respect...
If you could leave me some feed on my latest id much appreciate..
The Return (Po'Ethics)
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...25#post2293825
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dope as usual Na...i've seen u've improved your rhymescheme,more complex rhyming in this...Na is really elevating...
ok now for your ss verse.i could see you've put some time into the storyline(the storyline unfolded good and it was not predictable) ,and aslo took your time on the imagery.i really liked the imagery man...good vocabulary and metaphors to reveal his thoughts,and really took your time to display his every thought and all.impressive man...great start,great context,gread ending man.too bad you're opponent will no show again...
Dope Na!can't wait for our collab next week man...Peace man!
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thanks for the feed guys, If i haven't checked ur feed already I will tomorrow.
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this was nice i like dis on a scale of 1 to 10 8
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goddam man, you've been on fire lately. first off, the topic, sheer originality and dope execution. Your vocab was excellent and your wordplay:
Had concieved this grim deed, but was aware where it would lead
Since the plant we formed together had produced three seeds
^great stuff man. The imagery was excellent, you kept me reading from start to finish with interest. A few multi's, as ever, would help the flow a bit but this piece is more than strong enough to last without 'em. I'm gonna nominate this for OM of the week.
Keep reppin us right.
H'n'R.
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^thanks J6F......uppin for feed
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it was a nice concept wit nice structure and nice flow might wanna review it and elevate but it was overall good
return the favor
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=186027
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i liked this verse cuz it was deep but u need alot of improvement on ur flow wasnt feelin it man but u did ur thing ok overall verse rate 7.5/10
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Yo,
This was a really nice peice Na Ledge.
Spoke to me more then alot of shit on this board.
I liked it.
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This was very good... I enjoyed reading it.... It was probably you're best piece yet. I was very impressed. The vocabulary was excellent, good flow... Great story line... Good use of assonance... Could of done with a little structuring but that's no big problem at all... There's little for me to fault. I'd just have to say keep it up... Keep writing it's only going to improve.
If you could check out "An Angel's Feather" in my sig I'd appreciate it...
Nice piece...
Peace
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thanks dev...I hit ur's up . An Al how you gon say I need to improve and not say wha I need to improve on.
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last uppin for real...............
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