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Thread: It's Pitch Black... (Tournament Piece)

  1. April 13th, 2005, 12:14 PM #1
    Deviate
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    It's Pitch Black... (Tournament Piece)

    It's Pitch Black

    The perfumed air dances through the hall,
    Calling me towards her... Yet she withdraws?
    Scrawl etched across the parchment lies dormant,
    My eyes move from side to side rapidly - Absorbant.
    Realisation reaches out and lifts the shroud,
    It breathes air through my horrified mouth.
    My limbs grow numb and shake uncontrollably,
    Arms flail as my mind comprehends the complexity.
    My body now framed in its position casts a long shadow,
    Peering out through the stained glass at the meadow.
    The crackle of thunder in the distance slices my shape,
    Momentarily my mind embraces understanding - Only to return too late .....
    She sings to me...


    My legs recoil as the blood warms their artic pathways,
    I race through the castle... The corridoors like a maze.
    The cackle of laughter echoes through my cranium,
    I feel like a toy to spectators in my own Colleseum.
    The sound reverberates off the stone structures,
    Illusion sends confusion through my retinas in tiny punctures.
    "THEY'RE IN MY HEAD... IF ONLY I'D STAYED IN BED..."
    He screams as he falls down the stairs - They run red...
    Stumbling through the cavernous basement without light,
    Dripping his blood - His heart missing beats - Plight.
    My bare feet are met by the vast waves and curves of cold,
    Withered legs fold as I scream... Grind across glass moulds .....
    Yet I hear her...


    Alerted of my position footsteps echo in the distance,
    I know my life may be coming to an end in a meer instant.
    Anxiously waiting for their arrival my torn hands raise,
    I lift my torso up and rest on a wall and sing praise.
    Yet I'm waiting for too long... Where have they gone?
    I peer into the pitch black canvas mentally painting on...
    Create a reality to understand... A reality I can comprehend,
    Perfect world I crawl towards it... Until my brain amends.
    Struck with disappointment I grow irratated - It was an imitation,
    "Lies and perception expose the truth and deception" ......
    I hear my name...


    The blood travels through the cracked stone creating rivers,
    I attempt to stand and follow it as it slivers...
    Spreading from crack to crack it forms a path,
    "Follow the red brick road" I chant as I unleash my wrath.
    Swinging carelessly into the dark... Beating nature,
    My mind flows back into certainty as it pictures the scripture.
    It's pitch black... There's no light at the end of the tunnel,
    I'm damned to darkness to continue my endless struggle .....
    The voice fades...

    I find...

    Peace
    Last edited by Deviate; April 14th, 2005 at 02:26 AM
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  2. April 13th, 2005, 12:26 PM #2
    Deviate
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    Edicius - My Dear Friend... Jack
    Issue - Whats Goin' On?

    Peace
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  3. April 13th, 2005, 01:12 PM #3
    MXC
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    this was good
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  4. April 14th, 2005, 02:22 AM #4
    Deviate
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  5. April 14th, 2005, 02:28 AM #5
    Incineratedrose
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    I'm really liking the feedback that one dude made, haha, but anyway..

    I thought the vocabulario was really good, i liked the story line.. it was golden, and i just really liked how it developed after every bold line, that was really cool. It seemed to all peice together, and i just loved the concept of the thing.. LOVED IT! you did a really good job with this one, and i am proud to call you a Mondo Brother Writers voice... awesome! i really liked the way you used that, i could almost picture you reading it..

    GOOD JOB!
    MondoThugs.

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  6. April 14th, 2005, 10:59 AM #6
    TProphet
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    Dope.....
    Imagery Kept This Very Intresting And Made It Very Easy To Follow Wha Was Happening...
    Vocabulry Also Made This Piece Better Then Most Because Tha Wods Fit Perfectly Into Your Lines Wheras Most Writers Force Them.....
    But Yoo Alreddi Kno This.....Dope

    Feedback On My OM?? http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=185233
    Last edited by TProphet; April 14th, 2005 at 11:32 AM Reason: to put a link in ma post
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  7. April 15th, 2005, 02:14 AM #7
    Deviate
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  8. April 15th, 2005, 03:05 PM #8
    Slowhands
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    Well, I can start to see your flow is getting better and better, no complaints on this piece. Your vocab was plentiful and there when it needed to be. Your imagery is probably the best among this site, I'm never dissappointed when it comes to that, almost places me into the story, and thats hard to do with me. The story line threw me off at first, only because it wasnt specified, but after every bold ending i started to grasp what was going on. Which added to my anticipation. Overall this was a 8/10, and I dont know how you lost with something like this. Sorry I couldnt go into more detail with you but I got some things to take care of. Keep droppin, and I'll look out for them.
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  9. April 15th, 2005, 04:43 PM #9
    Na~Ledge
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    AS usuall your vocab was excellent. I think you did well laying out your storyline and it seemed to develop really well. Great imagery, you always do a good job using your vocab to depict your story in a way that it comes to life for the reader. Did a really good job of keeping the reader interested thought the piece. Classic Deviate drop here. Keep doing your thing man.
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  10. April 15th, 2005, 11:51 PM #10
    sucka_free314
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    That was hot dude. The visualiztion was crazy. It was like i could picture the whole rap and be there at the same time. Most dudes cant spit like that or they try to but you be like what the hell. You cant even understand what theyare trying to say. What you doin is hot man, keep it up...
    Last edited by sucka_free314; April 16th, 2005 at 12:00 AM Reason: i didnt give u ya props
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  11. April 16th, 2005, 05:19 AM #11
    Edicius
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    this was good, i agree with amend nothing really too complain here, vocab & flow were on point, though sometimes i lost you .. as in lost in your immagery .. and i thought your rhyme sheme could have been more complex on some points, .. i likeds the first stanza the most nice read hombre.

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  12. April 18th, 2005, 01:02 PM #12
    Deviate
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  13. April 26th, 2005, 02:22 PM #13
    Deviate
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  14. April 26th, 2005, 04:26 PM #14
    AlmightyDerek
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    Nice...this reads just like a poetic scripture. The imagery is beyond great...I'd have to say it's basically perfect. Your vocab use fits in nicely within the piece. This is the best piece I've read out of all the OM's so far. I think it deserves a nomination. While I was reading it, I could almost picture myself in pitch blackness. Very good, very well-written and flawless piece. Excellent work.
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  15. April 26th, 2005, 05:41 PM #15
    AL CAPONE
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    Aim for tha head/ when u say im gon getem nigga//Aim for tha head/ when u say im gon getem nigga//Aim for tha head/ when u say im gon getem nigga//cass lit they ass just to let them know u aint playin witem
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    The crackle of thunder in the distance slices my shape,
    Momentarily my mind embraces understanding - Only to return too late .....

    The cackle of laughter echoes through my cranium,
    I feel like a toy to spectators in my own Colleseum.
    The sound reverberates off the stone structures,
    Illusion sends confusion through my retinas in tiny punctures.

    Alerted of my position footsteps echo in the distance,
    I know my life may be coming to an end in a meer instant.

    Create a reality to understand... A reality I can comprehend,
    Perfect world I crawl towards it... Until my brain amends.
    Struck with disappointment I grow irratated - It was an imitation,
    "Lies and perception expose the truth and deception" ......

    The blood travels through the cracked stone creating rivers,
    I attempt to stand and follow it as it slivers...
    Spreading from crack to crack it forms a path,

    yo some hott lines above man very good concepts and very deep as well. Liked how as it was also deep it was like a story and i could picture this through my mind as well. u had very good vocab usage and very good structure. Their was a few lines that were a lttle stretched but this piece is good man keep doin ya thing and work on not stretchin some lines out too much aight but in overall man this piece was very good u get mad props fo this one.
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