You And Me.

night time beaches would deceive us,
and we glanced what you could get
before we tip toed back to daytime in a streetlamp silhouette
and the feedback you would let into my brain was convoluded
in a room full of guitar riffs and sexual fluids
all of you engulfed my senses, I didn't highlight the fact
that there was no other way I'd have it...
you already knew that.
you sat still; the notes rang clear as you hacked up a lung
the walls weren't upside down; it's just the way my head was hung
and the past was all around us,
just smelling itself upon the air
how could fair be so simple while unjust was everywhere?
I trust in heaven's stare because it's heat will keep me warm
the sounds of our screaming are muffled by the noise of thunder storms
I'm under thorns and they press until your nails draw blood
from my back and sides beside the rise of friendly floods
(everyone's crazy) but we can escape enforced insanity
because these things are so far gone when it's just you and me.

So take some pills and go to bed and call me in the morning,
it's all gonna be okay, I promise.

one.
two.

S'good to be back on the topical tip.
Be Well.

yo for one of those love songs u know how to make them need to elevate with some lines and rhymes u know how to flow so good job overall- 6.5

thank you Al. Your gankstuh sig inspires me to slang crack. I shall be the next fiddy.

Up.

no i dont agree with al capone... i think it was very good.. it was a lil choppy but i thought u described it very well nice job!

Upping for someone other than pacnigga96 to reply.

i thought it was decent, nice imagery in the beginning. the flow got broken up in places though, keep that under control and you have something real here. nice drop.

up.

I thought it read really well, I don't really understand how kids can critique "flow" in a text verse anyway, but it read alright to me. It's probably just the way the lines were broken up/structured.

But anyways, this was dope, you made it very clear where you were coming from emotionally, and it was genuinely creative and everything. Very eloquent, I'm impressed.

Good stuff.

thanks jekyll...up?

i agree with jekyll:it flowed nicely to the eye.just that the lines waren't evened out and their eye can only see flow that way.now back to the your piece...you described well you own emotions and thoughts...i especially liked the way you painted the imagery in these two lines:
"the sounds of our screaming are muffled by the noise of thunder storms
I'm under thorns and they press until your nails draw blood" - it was a little sick with the blood thing,but i really liked it.and the imagery was good thruout the piece,but i liked that part the most.i liked the vocab too,right choice of words.the structure could've been better,but if you like it like that,no problem.and what else i didn't like was that it was kinda short.i think if u went with a longer one you could've went deeper in the topic and the piece would've been more appealing.Overall good read.glad u found inspiration again man.keep it up!

i dont really make love songs but im guessin that was a hot one.

Nice keep elevatin an stay strong

I’m living a life of lies everything that lives eventually dies
Everything is righteous throughout his eyes…his mind his
Soul its hard to find but through an through endless time
Man made record man made rhyme here comes a lyrical
land mine…
I’m sitting here on my deathbed staring at deaths head
my body is full of hard lead the color is a deep red
I was mischievously misled to go on an go ahead
Little did I know I was soon to be dead lying in a pool of
blood shed ohh how much I bled my lungs full of dread

^ why did you post a piece of a verse in my thread? weirdo.

yo that reeally dope like good job hit up my links under my sig

dECENT DECENT I V MADE A FERW HITS IN MY DAY..........................

well im basically putting this in here to make it my 100th post thx to whoeva this is for puuting this dumb song up there i only said something good about it to get my 99th and 100th vote bastard

^Banned.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Maven

thank you Al. Your gankstuh sig inspires me to slang crack. I shall be the next fiddy.

Up.

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LMAO....

Anyway thought it was an ill piece. Im nto to topical that displays a person personal emotions and I think the way in which your wrote helped to bring that out. Only thing I would think u need to improve would be the vocab, but it wasn't elementy or anything so its not really a big deal. Keep doing ur thing man.