-
My Brain Is For Rent
I wake up, 20 floors above covered in drool and an axe in my mother
Toes are in a cup, eyes in the tub and her breasts on the bed covers.
I wonder... Horror crashes my head as I piece together what happened
Last night she told me she didnt know my father, I broke down saddened.
That dad I was living with, was really just some guy ordering me around
The same man that beat my mom... Did drugs and beat me to the ground?!
As bad as it sounds... I didnt have anyone to blame so my heart went sore
& what a bitch... My mom left to nevada to get drugs shes a crack whore
We're poor, but I didnt care when I was young... Not knowing what truth is
To be feeble enough to believe I wasnt a mistake was so fucking FOOLISH!!
The cruelest of punishments, I didnt deserve shit but definately not this
So I choked my father using the same chain he used to beat me with.
Well now its over, you've been forgiven and my pain has been avenged
But when that bitch gets back from work an apartment was the end.
Went out back, broke the henge and got the axe out for that hoe
Left pops back under the bed, poored gasoline and turned on the stove.
Mom showed... "Hey sweety im home!" and noticed dad's leg under the bed
I rushed her out front... "get back in the car.... Now." I said.
She was scared, I was too... I never thought this shit could ever be
My knife on my mom's leg and she completely frightened of me.
We pulled into the an inn, I could already see that she was tearing
I laughed at her face... said "get a room slut", my throat was clearing.
Its me she's fearing, she came out early "I just got us a room... son"............
"WELL DID YOU THINK OF THAT BEFORE?! OR WAS YOUR CRACK FOR FUN?!"
I broke down, we walked in together inside sobbing.. Axe in my hand bag
She shut the door, opened my case and I told her to stand back.
I got the rope, got behind her and tied her hands up... Taped her mouth
Got out my knife, tied her to the bed, legs open... She tried to shout.
I fucked her.... Hard... I stood up to her yet was lowered to her height
Though I was crying... I want to let you know I fucked her with a knife.
After she was done... her aroma, musty and dried, my breath spent
I remembered with pried... Even though my brain was for rent.........
Joka... you'll always feel me. love....
-
This was good..scary but dope...
wordplay-good
complexity-good
horror-good
detailed issues-good
point of view-good
story-good
Thanx bruh i can relate to this..the killing not the fucking with titties on the bed covers
-
over all this had minor flaw but that was it over all a real interesting read props twin
-
*readin*
some lines seem a bit stretched...i seen some multis, not as much as their could be but they were still decent...emotion was strong, you came detailin with it...seemed half story tellin, nice... havin cussin in every few lines took emotion away for me, but thats just me.. but overal this was a very good peice, enjoyed readin it... good drop!
-
interesting post... i like the creativity and rhyming scheme
-
ahah this is a LOL topic but nice shit my nicca, as i alwayz read from u.. im on the same shit az joka yo
1
-
You need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, Thanks.
-
I really liked this piece... It was kinda scary but that just is testimony to your writing skill. You wrote with emotion, good vocabulary and told a good story. Some lines were slightly pushed but overall it was good... Illustrated a good talent you have for this. Only advice I can give is to change the structure a little, make it easier on the eye.
Worrying but very good.
If you could check out "Blind to Reality?" in my sig I'd appreciate it...
Peace
-
yeah man this shit was pretty good
i loved the topic lol
very creative man
good job
keep droppin more like these dawg
-
-
-
ok first it was nice shti but the topic was scary as hell God damn man some sicj shit lol ill
-ryda
-
best one ive read so far, no exceptions.
-
Thanks. Uppin more feedback!!!
-
-
like i have said you are nice sin you could use work but who couldnt?
keepin comin pimp rtf battle in sig
-
^ Thanks, this Open Mic isnt for everyone.
A lot of it is true also.
-
More More More More More More More More More More More More More More More More Feedbackkk
-
Its me she's fearing, she came out early "I just got us a room... son"............
"WELL DID YOU THINK OF THAT BEFORE?! OR WAS YOUR CRACK FOR FUN?!"
I wasn't really feelin that line...... overall it's not too bad. reminds me of older eminem. i like the structure, although a couple bars were just a little long. it's deep, and has emotion and meaning behind it. keep writing from the heart.
-
The second line in that bar was more aimed at her calling me "son".
But thanks for the feedback.
MORE OF IT!
-
Mmmmmk...
Technically, ya need a bit of work.
Ya lines are very stretched and you're only rhyming the last word.
No internals. If ya hafta have long lines then ya hafta have internals otherwise flow sags like your's did at times.
Aside from that, vocab was simple, but the situation didn't call for much complexity.
This was raw, weird, and sick as anyone could possibly imagine or even want to.
Well, the ending was.
As far as story, good, descriptive...s'aight.
I didn't vibe with the "drive to a motel, let mom go inside and get a room"
That was lame-ish for me...
Why not just close the bedroom door?
And how could you rust Mom to not call the cops once you let her outta the car?
Anyway, minor story flaws for me, but otherwise...
I dunno...it's ok for what it was...which was good...but really bizarre.
Peace
-
The ending was like rated X R
that shit was sick with the knife
ur vocab was aight but ur lines were stretched kinda long
U told a good story but if u can advance ur word play to it would be a lot better
Dont worry this is a good drop
just giving u some feed back to help build u up
keep up the crazy suspenseful rated x horror stories
hit some of mine up to
-
Thanks, and Thanks.
I am glad you got the horror out of the story, that is what I was going for.
-
Uppin again n n n n n nn nn .
-
sdfgsdgpsklskfgksdg skdgsdflkg kdgkd kfop,vmopdf,vpodf,vop,vopd,fvf,gksdf,vsdfop,v'pdff opsd,go'k uppin ;>
-
holy shit youve upped this thing 10 times, take the hint!
