Sunburned...

Here I rest, wide-awake in my bed, un-knowing of what I saw
For real, it was in my opinion of an angel sent from God
Just so striking, more than a ray of sunshine in my eyes
The way it glimmered and reflected, true exquisiteness disguise

…….

I dreamt about it, philosophized, and conceived crafty tactics
Because in the end, I knew I couldn’t live with out us mixed
My mind cannot mend, a simple observation, obsessed
Thoughts couldn’t spend, brain vacated, nothing mentally left
Words I couldn’t comprehend, created, music without a cleft.

………

Eyes indignant and burned just looking at her
Her astounding radiance left me, a disease without a cure
Fanatical thoughts grew inside, a smouldering desire I tried to hide
Something only found deep in-hide, a heart my only guide

……..

Primal instincts rampant, raging bull stuck in a ring of red
Beats inside me, bombs over Baghdad, within me constricted
Never mess with love, is a lesson learned, because the moment
My eyes set on you, I was sunburned……

Very well structured piece. I like the use of vocab and rhyme scheme. Good read overall it had great flow and rhythm and brought a seriosu tone to the issue. Good stuff.

Given this was a nice piece it was very unique and I dont think that I have read something like this before so props... Although I thought that this was more poetic in a way its difficult to explain just listen to the words... But overall I thought this was a good piece very unique keep dropping...

Thanks for the feedback I appreciate it alot, keep it constructive though, I want to improve.

Word ^What he said.

Nice structure, but didn't see where you were going with this. A better meaning to the song would have made a better impression on me.

4/10

^alright thanks for your feedback on this. More please!

yea this has a poetic feel to it, maybe it's the way you structured ya verse i dunno, but yea it does, and be careful what you rhyme what might sound good outloud looks dumb as hell in text, also chilling on the vocab unless you might use those words in everyday speech cuz if you don't it gives ya peice a sterile feeling, overall decent kinda short tho

Yo that was deep and heartfelt. I like the last line that some clever stuff. Raging bull stuck in a ring of red was tight too. The rhymes are very good, but watch some like you rhymed tactics and mixed, i guess i could see how it could flow, but i'm sure you could come up with a better pair than that. I liked it 6/10.

hit mine up if you could:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...09#post2085609

ok upping this for the feedback.

hahaah bombs over baghdad, your fav song, eh?
but yeah, dope shit man, if u want more critiqute, just im me. lol

^you bastard, x2!

Nice piece. I'm all in to the emotional shit myself but you were real original with the way you presented it. Props.

Favorite Line:

Eyes indignant and burned just looking at her
Her astounding radiance left me, a disease without a cure

That was nice man

^thanks for the feedback I appreciate it.

Upping this piece of crap. .... geeze Awaken I fucking hate you.

this was real creative in comparing a woman to sunlight, that's it right? or is it just talking about sunlight, either way, dope and well put concept, flow was good and the only thing you might wanna work on is it occasionally comes to throw a reader off when you rhyme tactix with mix, but its still dope, the imagery was strong and it had some dope metaphoric comparrisons, this is real dope for the second piece i ever read of yours

yo man heavy rhyme,i like it so much coz i kinda relate to it but i also think that even if i didnt have such a connection wid it that it wud still be the hot stuff man.keep it up.rate me bk on "R.I.P mah love".dodge.

Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it all.

Pretty good, But thats too mcu poetry for me..

^Thanks, I guess.

Feedback please?

This was good but it could've been a little better... Good structure and vocab worked well with this but I didn't really get into it. This may just be my individual take on it and may not reflect other people's feelings. It was a nice piece but I felt it was more poetic than rap I suppose?

Good work though... If you could check out "Blind to Reality?" I'd appreciate it...

Peace

it's wierd... cuz you go from talking to her, to talking to a third person about yourself...

and you jump back to her.... but other than that, it's decent... nice work

Thanks for feedback.

man, like do you ever stop writing,STOP IT.....get better, you still over-use vocab and it really drags your piece, good emotion....but your killin yourself man

nice shit man...i really enjoyed this