An awakening...

My flesh invaded by jacketed lead core
Living color spills onto a canvas of war
Bits of fragmented me shower the scene
Clean-up men couldn’t scourer it clean

Ghetto floors toast with a vampire’s lust
Frenzied palates thirst as nuts go to bust
Ancestry pours whilst young thoughts ooze
Emptied minds collect in gutters, my muse

Deadly shrapnel within the tissues of kin
Families are torn by the impurities of skin
Conflict’s confined deep in a convicts mind
Sentenced to death just one breath at a time

Can you hear the chants of an ancient soul?
Damned entities out on weeping patrols
Tongues of a million slain echo in my ears
No measure of fame will ever tame my fears

The concrete’s alive, saturated by lives leaked
Beneath the feet of victims past & eyes blinked
Attrition thrives when society pays it no mind
Rewind time to witness crimes no jury can fine

Stitched into the fabric that joins time & space
Is the very thread sewn into the human race
Disgrace the keepers of old like Cortez for gold
& you’ll drown in the shallow pond of your mold

Breeched by the angry flight of projectiles at night
Despite breath I fight to recite the prayer of last rite
Finally free from the worldly shackles that bind me
My eyes open to a world that no longer blinds me

To be continued…



-Bounce

Nice drop. I think you have done a very good job with this. It had so much going for it in terms of assonance, alliteration, and internal rhymes etc. that it really struck a nice rhythm in the reading. And the imagery/narrative was so very graphic, just the way that I like my poetry. I'm not gonna take a stab at interpreting every possible layer of metaphor, as I am a little weary tonight, but I got a general grasp of the message, and it was a damn good one from what I could see. Keep doing whatever it is you do.

uhm good stuff.. exelent word use and formation tite stanzas

like this piece right here fo sho

kinda like sum complex stuff

stay up

pz

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Conflict’s confined deep in a convicts mind
Sentenced to death just one breath at a time

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Nice, very intersting...

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Finally free from the worldly shackles that bind me
My eyes open to a world that no longer blinds me

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very cool...

nice drop, very solid.... your flow stayed on point throughout the whole peice making this a very good read and very smooth as well... your vocab was laced throughout the peice which was great meaning you didnt over use the technicality of words which gves the reader a better understanding of this peice... I really enjoyed the concept of this peice, very knowledgable but very real... the imagery throughout this peice was thouroughly expressed which painted many mental images in my mind... neway nice drop please return the favor... peace...

my link: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=168421

Good drop. I got some solid war based imagrey from that. The play on words was nice with some sweet alliteration at times "Clean-up men couldn’t scourer it clean"
and "Conflict’s confined deep in a convicts mind"
The flow was all good with a decent ryhme scheme. Written from a personified perspective introduced a good level of emotion...look forward to the sequal.

sNoopfox

Bounce this was a nice job, you did excellent I love the vocab but the wording and imagery was just amazing. I hope you keep posting in here it has been awhile but nice to see you.

Simply dope..

Can you hear the chants of an ancient soul?
Damned entities out on weeping patrols
Tongues of a million slain echo in my ears
No measure of fame will ever tame my fears

^Reminds me of Garnet Rivers ;)

Nice man, you never decline in your skill.

Man, you are a god with words. Ever since I have known you, you have dropped the most incredible poetry. Seriously, you are probably the last great writer on this site.

Your emotion, imagery, word choice, and voice were very powerful in this. Did you ever get formal training or university courses for poetry or literature? You are on very talented levels for your writing. You also possess something that you always are consistent with; Dialect. Not many people can withhold the perspective and emotion, speech and mentality of their characters and surroundings. You generate an atmosphere that captivates the reader like no one else on Rapbattles. I should thank you for letting me read this.

If you could do me a favour, by either going to the Legends forum and giving an opinion on my Open Mic that was nominated or if you drop some feed on my poem "Everything is Nothing", either would be great. Thanks. Peace Bounce.

i felt the sound of the poem was hampered by an ever chaning meter

"Breeched by the angry flight of projectiles at night
Despite breath I fight to recite the prayer of last rite"

these lines hold 12 and 14 syllables and earlier lines only have 10
it seems ok to read but then you say it aloud and hear the difficulty
perhaps you got caught up in the rhyming?
you use sharp images though, so i followed well enough

visit one of mine when you have a moment

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=168529

Bursting is the word i'd use to link to this piece. It was bursting with alot of thought driven by emotion. An insight into your mindset...though i got the impression that it was through your eyes you wrote through another's eyes. A soldier that finds realisation after such simple (yet complex) situations of horror and normality, and what's between. Of what it's all about. To ponder further on it...yet it's a mis-conception. His enlightenment is tainted to the extent that it will become destructive to others.

Hmmm...me shovel is kinda blunt today, aint it? Either way...i dug it's epic stance. And how it seemed like you really wanted to get this out your system once you got started and ended up with a well formed piece.

This peice was solid and you made great use of your wording. The drop was nice

Keep up your writing

Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply. I appreciate any and all feed. It's nice to drop in on PS again, it's been a while, but you guys make it worth while. I will follow this peice up with something in a bit, just got to find that time, I'm so busy. I try keep up on my writing, but moslty I'm doing things for politicians now. Speech writing is one of my strongest skills, poetry is like second nature to me, plus I am busy making tracks with my band. I keep the rust off in many ways, I just don;t have time to post on RB much. I will try to post more often in here, and god I miss giving you all feedback. It was one of my favorite things to do on RB. Respect to all.
-bounce

We love you bouncy boy ;)

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NO REVISION REQUIRED

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This was an original poem and I interpreted it as cultural bloodshed. This is a deep poem, and I honestly didn't think that I'd read something this good just as I stopped by the board. This is very descriptive and righteously stated.

Well thanks alot for your time people, as i know all to well, time is precious.

Varentao, you touched upon some of the components i tried to portray in this peice, you always have been one to have a feel for where my drops are coming from. I thank you for that bro. The member who seen this as a cultural bloodshed type peice was on target as well, you grasped what I was putting out there. I intended it to be an exdample of societal downfall and destruction, based on the account of one person yet told in a generalized voice of the millions slain. We are killed each and everyday, in some way shape or form, the longer we take in a dose of real world situation bullets, the more clear that becomes. This also has a very personel approach, kind of describing events that happened in my life on Christmas eve. Like V mentioned, I had to get it out, yet I did it through the voice of those who dripped life on the streets of our socites past and present. I can get into line by line detail, but I need to go make breakfast for my duaghter.

Bless

Nice shit..

*nominates for PS HoF*

Glad you liked it man...