Buried Alive With The One You Love...

I’m finding myself ballistic, berserk, and a little twisted…
Cuz my ego has no thickness, it’s brittle and you chipped it.
You hurt me and invert me; nirvana’s inside out with grief…
Like Courtney over Kurt, see, the loss hurts beyond belief.
So I’m hatching me a plan to once again feel like a man…
But you won’t understand until the coffin finally slams.
I’m gonna bury you alive, revenge worse than Montezuma…
Cuz I’m inspired by the movie where that curse fell on Uma.
But you’re no Black Mamba, though you’re poison to touch…
I know cuz I’m sick with the sickness of touching you too much.
So I’ll silently stalk your residence, and not leave any evidence…
Quietly cross your bed again and see the face that’s Heaven sent.
Your auburn locks still shimmer like back when sun rays danced…
Through your hair and made you close green eyes that entrance.
You’ll never come to consciousness, a soaked rag assures this…
The cold lips of a noxious kiss reserved for the one who deserves it.
Hours pass, the coffin’s craft, I see beginnings of your stirring…
Your dilated pupils try and get used to everything that’s blurring.
So quick before you come to, I hit the winch that brings you down…
It’s so sick how much I love you; I’m even joining you in the ground.
Soon the coffin rests on the cold earth beneath, exactly 6 feet deep…
And I hand over my life savings to the freaky cemetery creep.
The caretaker accepts in silent, but his bloodshot eyes convey…
That he’s used to things more violent, but agrees to this anyway.
At this point you try and sit up, but I descend into our grave…
And wrap my arms around you, nodding to Creepy its okay.
He slams shut our lid, and I hear a shovel’s dirt begin to hit…
And I bring light to our new home with the flashlight I’ve lit.
Your eyes open for the first time and stare straight into mine…
As I hold you close, entwined, you silently read my mind.
Seeing all the hate and love I manage to hold in unison…
You realize I’m pained enough, and arranged this last reunion.
Deafening screams fill our enclosure, you struggle so hard…
But above you’re just the wind that howls through graveyards.
Endless pleas for my ears, I’m fulfilled with satisfaction…
When I confirm her fear, explain I can’t take back this action.
Sudden seizures strike, lungs fade fast, all her fighting fought…
So I hold my baby tight, and draw the revolver I’ve brought.
Hold it under my chin and with a grin, accept a fast death…
And die happy in this trap, seeing my baby’s last breath.

Will drop my links when I wake up...

Feeble Minded - Winner

whoa... that's all I'm sayin... well I'll say the flow eh... is some parts... but that's the so called... "text flow" but fuck that... dope. go read my one verse... some verse from some thing go do it now.

all i can say is that it was dope. im not even gettin into detal. tight ass rhyme

Thanks...

Bizzump!

Good, sick, twisted shit just like 90 percent of what you drop.

Flow. Your new and improved flow definitely suits you and your writing style. I think it expands the capability of what you can do with your thoughts and being able to link them together in a slinging, smooth verse. Excellent way of stringing your lines together and using recurring references in your verse, like the Nirvana lines and Kill Bill references.
Vocab was whatever. Who cares what level of vocabulary you use, either way it will only give me nightmares.
Imagery was pretty sick. The way you said all of it, it felt like desperation the way you used words...
"Your auburn locks still shimmer like back when sun rays danced…
Through your hair and made you close green eyes that entrance.
You’ll never come to consciousness, a soaked rag assures this…
The cold lips of a noxious kiss reserved for the one who deserves it.
Hours pass, the coffin’s craft, I see beginnings of your stirring…
Your dilated pupils try and get used to everything that’s blurring.
So quick before you come to, I hit the winch that brings you down…"

So, yeah. Good theme, I suppose. I feel sometimes your sick and twisted thoughts could be a little more original, but oh well, this was still pretty creative. Keep it up and hit up Silver-lined Clouds in my sig. Thanks and Peace.

fuck. ing. hell.

topic plain blew me away, extremely disturbing and at the same time creative as fuck. the flow of the piece was flawless, the vocab was strong and the multi's well written. the imagery really made this stand out, i felt i could really understand where your charecter was coming from.

great work man, look forward to reading more.

if you could rep one of mine i'd appricaite the feedback.

Thanks much, peeps...

Anymore?

damn thas awsome was well worth reading it all lol .. the topic was awsome i aint neva seen 1 like that be4 the flow awsome the words just seemed to fit together perfect and u had great vocab lol i aint got nottin bad 2 say about it i really liked it

Thanks, Kat...

Much appreciated.

Come on, peeps...

Give it a read, please.

wow..i liked this peice...i think you did real good job on your structure..and your flow...your lines stayed pretty even throughout the whole verse..and it made your flow go good...your imagery was OUTSTANDING...i could see it all...GREAT wordin in your lines...umm...your vocab was also very good....overall mad props..keep it up

Fuckin BTK you really do amaze me that was a really great piece you had the emotion and imagery you should thorugh out the whole piece made it even better and with the proper wording that you brought to the table made it stand out also the flow and structure worked out for the best wow really made me feel like i was there to many quotables in this nice job can you please peep mine

this was a really good piece born i was feeling this no doubt.

Nice interesting drop.
Concept was nice, creative as well.
Flow was constant, a little wordplay.
Fell off in a place or two, but it's good.
Long read, but it was worth the time.
Had me interested throughout the whole thing.
Keep it up nhoj.

Peep this..
Tomorrow Doesn't Look Good Either

Hey...this didn't get enough looks...

Bump!