The Cabin...

The Cabin.......


On the outskirts of a Small secluded, mid western town,
were rumors of young girls bodies found bonded and bound,
When asked what happened townsfolk responded in frowns,
Signs of remorce, saying the lord extinguished her torch
"no foul play" in reports, she died prematurely of course,
Even as children her parents heard stories of his porch...


A social parasite and a product of inner pain and poverty,
Brain waves strange and thoughts not what they ought to be,
stalking mockingly and eager for some way to feel empowered,
The helplessness feeds the disease of this twisted prowler,
A sad, traumatic childhood illness thrown from a broken home,
This dark figure found an old forest road and built his own,
Now all alone, he takes quiet strolls when the moon is low,
Unknown to most he walks by the dorms when the school is closed,


This story refers to those walks and tragedies that occured,
A sick mans sense of decency and dire consequnces blurred,
A naive girl thats in the woods over weird noises she's heard,
His eyes are covered with a glaze of madness and crazed passion
this predator waits for his chance to attack and takes action,
before the young girl knew what had happened she saw his cabin,
Through confused beautiful eyes and the thin linen wrapping,
she came crashing on a bed with a table of arrayed contraptions
The man was laughing, mumbling and enjoying her struggling,
Spit trickled from his lips in his pockets hands were fumbling
He reached out, by the time she saw it she expelled to shout
she felt the warmth trickle out her mouth onto a slik blouse,
If only this young child could have taken a different route,
Sweet and innocent eyes with skin and hair as smooth as satin,
Her hopes and dreams and purity Lie forever inside..the cabin

Here's my link to reply.....

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=124181

damn that was dope. i nominy this. seriously. if i wasn't so lazy, i'd do it now. lol. but i am lazy sorry. lol. off the hook flow. almost as ill as man. real dope on that aspect. imagery was none the less. structure was near perfect. awesome story telling techniques. kept me interested thru the whole read. great imagery, i saw it all. very near-flawless verse man. and i thought only i wrote those...lol. props.

peace

LOL...thanx for the feed.......Appreciated....

Nice storytelling brethren...

umm... I kinda like the 3 line rhyming scheme... and I kinda don't...

if it was a little more organized... well... you eased the transitions well enough... and it goes off ok...

the vocab was light... but you made up for it in interesting multis and such...

and if you know about this incident you should report it to the police asap...lol

Uppin for some more feed-back...
leave a link and Ill hit up your OM's...

Ay Kid Dat Was Nice...U Not On My Level Yet But Still lol....U Dope..1

^^ok buddie....whatever you say....Uppin for some honest feedback..leave a link and I'll reply to your OM's...
thanx...
peace....

yo kid that was an iight peace need a lil better structure but that was some good worldplay. That was some good detail in that nice flow and some good keystyles in there. all together that was a good drop holla

Uppin one more time...
Ill return the favor......

nice work - got better as it went along - imagery was good - scheme was decent - first verse had some awkward wordings but piece kept getting better as it went along - nice way to sum things up with your closer - keep it up - peace

Your yhme scheme was great, your transitions were also good, the stroy telling wa tight and some of your multies were there but basic meaning two word keep this up

UP..........
Leave a link and Ill reply to your OM's...

Yeah this was well written...

Flow was nice, the multies in there made it more interestin. You were really creative in this piece and it made for a good read. Your words painted a picture in my head so the imagery was definatly there. And your structure made it easy to follow...

Overall nice drop

Up................................................ ...........

Uppin this one for the very last time....
some more feedback would be appreciated
thanx....Leave a link

Quite well written.
I think the best part of this was your creativity.
A nice, tight and clean structure.
You did alot right here.
You had nice flow, smooth transitions aided this greatly.
Only thing you need to do is add more inners and multi's into your work.
Can you hit up the battle Vs CarsonJet in my sig, please.
Thank you.
Peace.

the imagery was mos def the best thing about this..... your scheme was pretty good too, not too complex, but not too basic... i liked it.... i thought there was the odd time when the syllable count could have been slightly arranged better... but only a bit....
... the concept was good, not too played... so yeah all in all interesting read,,, well written... ~one~

Real nice story here...

You coulda added more multi's and alliteration to encourage flow...
(it needed it)

But, aight.

Good piece, still.

I like your imagery best, good description of the town, the man, his demons, and the girl...

Good inner workings, attention to detail.
Good vocab, in fact, very good story overall.

But I likes murder rap, so I'm biased.

Peace

Great Piece there... sick storytelling creativity, and i like your last line great finisher. good shit bro.

Thanx for all the feedback guys.....I guess Ill up this again..heh...leave a link and Ill check it out...thatnx...peace..

Wow man.. This was flawless.. Flowed very well, (Three line scheme was done to perfection). Youre imagery was great, and you certainly got something in the story telling department! Dope, and well worth the effort of nomination!
If, I knew how I would. but Oh well....
Good job man!
Bro, If u could, can u check mah Om in the front page?
Thnx man.
Peace

This was a very nice piece in every way...
absolute great emotion and storytelling..
probably ur two best things,
very nice imagery, I saw it all as I read through
perfect on the rhyme scheme..
really no complaints, Loved the story, nice ending
everything flowed together reall nice

Straight up it was hot

no joke dat was off the hook
ya rhymes ya flow everything
keep it up dawg

Mleh......I'll Bring this piece back for some more feedback...Leave a link...I'll return the favor...Peace....

Yo this was good in every aspect.........good shit keep it up!!!!!!!
return the favor please and vote!!!!!!
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=138120

Thanx.....Leave some feedback and a link...Peace...

Damn tack this was just dope. The whole story had me on the edge of my seat. The description that you used was amazing I just loved it. The imaginary was nicely thought out. A great piece Tactixx.

good peice man... multies were there flow was nice
you had some good imiagry made me picture everything
while i was reading it... keep up the good work
you got some writting skill


pz

Thanx guys.......Appreciate it.....Anymore...leave a link...Ill hit it up...peace..

Up....Leave a link and a reply.....Ill return the favor....Peace...

Up.....feedback required....leave a link....Ill return the favor....peace..

Up.....

well.....Ill up this one last time....

Yea u described this situation a little too well.......anything u want to tell us? :thumbup:
This was well written. I think this is ur best piece I have read so far. Ur imagery is something to harp on cuz it complemented ur piece well. Nice use of vocab and ryhme scheme to give the reader a visual image. I liked the whole story. I could just sence that this guy was a sicko. Big ups on the character u created. All in all I think this was a great piece that was well written. Keep doin wut ur doin.

Oh my god. Is it just me or does everyone in euthanasia have an ill flow. Flow was flawless. The storytelling was dope, and made me want to read faster to se what was next. The imagery was dope. This whole piece was ill. Good job. If the om od the month thread was open, I'd nominate this. Keep up the good work.

My Open Mic:http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...0&page=1&pp=15

-W1

chris black....are you "Wicked"???
from back in the day???

this shit is old as fluck, but I have to return the feed you left on lyrical slaughter...

so this is some depressing ass shit, lol but well executed and put together. the whole rhyme scheme was basic and simple, but I think that's the right way to go in a piece like this to get your message across and display a mood, as apposed to oversaturating it with multies and overwhelming vocab, nice shit.