Lamentations (Werechild)

I put my pen to paper and my finger to keyboard,
Create now not later - never linger on one chord,
Force thoughts to appear - flirting with aneurysm,
An absentminded seer lurking in a prism’s prison,
Make from my will an anvil and my chi a hammer,
Then shatter the veil so light spills free of damper,
Problem reverses - ideas flow too fast for my hand,
Innumerable verses which only last a mere second,
Focus is necessary - I must fashion my own Matrix,
Rhyming is secondary to my passions and hatreds,
I latch onto the twisting strand as a topic emerges,
A tale of a distant land - related via gothic dirges…

A long forgotten ruin lies dappled with sunlight,
A man is seated - effortlessly avoiding eyesight,
Impalpable weights seem to hunch his shoulders,
His neck imparts resemblance to that of vultures,
Long limbs and digits best described as gangly,
His attire attempts popularity but does so vainly,
No matter their cost clothing won’t make him fit,
Something’s wrong - just can’t lay a finger on it,
An open book rests by his side with pages worn,
While he whittles wood into a recognizable form,
Salt-stung cheeks and mustache streaked with mucus,
His knife relentlessly seeks and unearths... Canis lupus.

Silhouetted against the sky a noble figure stands,
Stars glimmer from above as he surveys his lands,
He is resilient and powerful, both agile and quick,
Given adequate intelligence and also cunning wit,
Bushy tail is lifted high and alert ears stand erect,
Tongue lolls to side while keen senses heat detect, (heat - female musk)
Loping forward the direwolf now leaves the ridge,
Sensitive nose questing as he weaves thru foliage,
A mystifying nectar entices him to move urgently,
The source lies where two paths move divergently,
The bitch turns head over shoulder - her glance is coy,
He mounts and releases but moonlight shatters the joy.

Six foot tall while stooped and two-fifty pounds,
Corded muscles undulate from powerful bounds,
Taloned hands and feet complement fanged jaws,
A silky coat covers the beast from head to paws,
Red pupils gleam - a prophecy of blood to come,
His vicious snarl makes the confused female run,
Abnormally quick he catches and tears asunder,
The body which had filled his mind with wonder,
He feasts on the remains and is finally satisfied,
Then returning sanity causes craving for suicide,
But his aether is too strong - he’s sought death before,
So he sits in his ruin and lets wolf carvings litter floor.

I count at least four morals - you might see less,
What’s better than corals - Do you wan’na guess,
Solomon said wisdom and I would tend to agree,
So in case you missed em’ listen quickly to me,
1. You can’t change your spirit it’s useless to try,
Spit your own lyric to brand your name on sky,
2. Power is a state of mind not a thing of the flesh,
Channel your soul thru rhyme to make self best,
3. Violence is the result of an ignorant condition,
So who’s actually at fault if nobody will listen,
4. Last one’s up to you and it’s whatever you want,
...Just don’t forget my ruin and it’s solitary haunt.


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=116605
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=116607

This was good man. structure , flow and vocab was all there perfectly.... You made the image in my head thyrough good stroy telling and imagery .. especially in this part

He is resilient and powerful, both agile and quick,
Given adequate intelligence and also cunning wit,
Bushy tail is lifted high and alert ears stand erect,
Tongue lolls to side while keen senses heat detect,
Loping forward the direwolf now leaves the ridge,
Sensitive nose questing as he weaves thru foliage,


hmmm the vocab was perhaps a bit to good since it lost me in a few places.. but went with the piece quiet well... goood work

8/10

Wow......this was really good dawg........your imagery in this was amazing.......I could basically picture image by image in my head......awesome.....

Your flow an vocabulary were great....it was very easy going........easy to read.....and smooth.......Like Eki said

He is resilient and powerful, both agile and quick,
Given adequate intelligence and also cunning wit,
Bushy tail is lifted high and alert ears stand erect,
Tongue lolls to side while keen senses heat detect,
Loping forward the direwolf now leaves the ridge,
Sensitive nose questing as he weaves thru foliage,

^^^ Your Imagery hear was at its best no doubt...All in all this was a great piece....id give this a 9/10.....dope job!

how the hell you got so many rhymes that mean something to do with the topic that is hard for me to do..props to you nigga for real

Hmmm...this was a decent drop..I can see that you are still using your rhyming dictionary...your wordplay was too basic for me..you kept a steady flow...you had a decent imagery going...this was a decent piece..peace..

Structure is almost flawless
flow was on key with the struct.
i will break the thing verse by verse
when i get a chance to read it thouroly
from what im seeing u have vocab on
lock and your lines connect with each other
;) good stuff.s. not understanding the storyline
so imma have to look into this.

"I can see that you are still using your rhyming dictionary"

thnx - you wouldn't believe how much it costs to have one of those implanted in your head.

"not understanding the storyline"

thnx for feedback - basically it's the story of a werewolf - contrasting the various parts of his nature. Man form - outcast, intelligent (worn book) but never at home. Wolf form - powerful, as evidenced by his virility - he is most at home here. Werewolf form - has the most potential but is flawed and in the end destroys his existence completely - morals are summarized at the end.

This is a great piece, topic original, I dont think I've ever seen it done before... Multis were there, flow was fuckin crazy... imagery really helped too move the story along... Vocab was str8... wordplay was alright... The piece as one ---> I think everything rolled together smoothly, and this would make a hot audio... Dope piece bro... Keep at it. Peace.

You know when i read this....I just laughed...not because this was weak...just becaus this is a completley ORIGINAL topic....haha..i mean I like to rhyme from the perspective of a demon/vampire...haha or even a cybernetic warrior of some kind....but damn I have never even thought of spitting as a warewolf...I thought it was going to be corny since i've never read anything of yours besides broken metamorphosis...and i thought that was nice...but i was like "what can you do with a warewolf topic??"...but much to my surprise you really did come through.....the only part i didnt care for too much is that last verse...your talking about his morals...i didnt know a warewolf had morals you know??...but i guess you have to take into account his human side right??....the verse was nice..it just seemed kinda out of place if you compare it to the other verses...but keep droppin like this.....im out

thnx for feed - the part about morals is not about the werewolf's morals - it's about the morals in the story - tales of fiction usually have some - so I just highlighted some of the main ones

With your shit im never sure if its supposed to be rapped or spoken, cos i cant seem to rap any of your shit, i get half way and stop cos i gotta picture in my head....lol

That was ILL you put a lotta thought into it obviously, and the amount of visuals it gave me was unbelievable...this part had so much imagery in it...

"He feasts on the remains and is finally satisfied,
Then returning sanity causes craving for suicide,
But his aether is too strong - he’s sought death before,
So he sits in his ruin and lets wolf carvings litter floor."

I liked that piece, keep it up...good work.

nice drop my friend...

vocab was on point...not too much..not too little..
it made the imagery stand out pretty dope...
the whole things was tight ....but i liked the 3rd and 4th
verses the most....
the least favorite part...was the intro...i wasnt really
feeling....it almost ruined it all for me...but it didnt:)
there's nothing else i can say about this...other
than a more effective intro would do better...thats it..
peace...

damn man nice drop, very nice, flowed really good n had good vocab the wordplay like sed b4 was a little basic, but this was still a nice piece f'real man. Great imagery pictured the whole thing in my head, good detail, put a lot odf work and thot into it which makes it prettyy good, i liked the intro n the 3rd verse the best, it was a ot piece man, keep it up

excellent piece. quite long and intrigueing. the flow was almost perfect, and so was the structure. the built up a good image of wut you were letting out in my mind. i enjoyed wut you were saying, as well as how you were saying it. the vocab was jus as great as the complexity. keep it ill man, keep dropping.

fav. line:
Violence is the result of an ignorant condition,
So who’s actually at fault if nobody will listen.

pz

this was pretty nice,
even though it was long,
it was still a good read,
flow was on point,
real good to me,
structure was nearly perfect,
but that really doesn't,
mean anything to me,
the best part i liked,
about it was the,
imagery that stood out,
it was very creative,
overall i give this peice,
a 8/10, not bad homie, props.

pz.

we are the knights who say, "ne!" - up

yo this was good kid. good structure flow
and same here this built a picture in my head

Pretty good drop. I really liked the imagery on the middle verses. I liked the whole way you told the story. It flowed nice and smooth. Rhyme scheme was cool. I like how you did the last verse. This was a decent read. Keep up the good work.

this piece was off da chain...loved the story (sounded to me like in the perspective of a werewolf/type beast). Props to tellin the story in a perspective that u have never encountered. Flow was tight, but vocab didnt impress me that much...overall this piece was ill...nice every one CHECK OUT MY THREAD CALLED "RACISM"

176 views is not enough

*italics indicate sarcasm

His vicious snarl makes the confused female run,
Abnormally quick he catches and tears asunder,
The body which had filled his mind with wonder,
He feasts on the remains and is finally satisfied,
Then returning sanity causes craving for suicide,
But his aether is too strong - he’s sought death before,
So he sits in his ruin and lets wolf carvings litter floor

dat was da most significant part for me... i felt a way deeper internal meanin to dat...anyways
flow was almost perfect... wordplay coo... imagery out da ass very vividous.
overall good drop
8/10

and last time up...

to SMZ's credit you won't find

aneurysm/prism's prison
matrix/hatred

in any rhymin dictionary out there...

infact there are a lot of creative multis and rhymes... but it didn't seem complex... possible because you were trying to keep the narrative ... ... ...understandable.... I hate overcomplicating matters..

throw a wrench in the structure though... and give it a more ... ...'audio' feel...

keep it up friend

nah Mag this is my second piece on here - so I hadn't learned how to implement the more advanced concepts quite yet - so for the narrative part I just went for understanding and imagery - that's why when I wrote it I added the intro and conclusion to give it a little complexity...

real nice, very unique in content... it went into different areas yet maintained to stay on topic.... good wordplay(specially in the last verses).. flowed really well.. these were some descriptive ass lines

Silhouetted against the sky a noble figure stands,
Stars glimmer from above as he surveys his lands,
He is resilient and powerful, both agile and quick,
Given adequate intelligence and also cunning wit,

I easily gotta picture from those 2 bars... really, you painted the story really well in yo rap

only thing i would like to be cleaned are the multis.. they were nice and all, but damn, they were forced alot... try fixing that

but other than that, this was a solid drop, really sick and unique rap

yo, if u have tha time, check out some of mah raps("What We'll Dare When The Gov. Doesn't Care" and "Losing Grip of Faith") too...