Deeper Inside - (Leave a Link)

my pen hits the paper, Plains of writen speeches..
im teachin how to rid, of all of lifes bloody leeches..
were preaching what we do,or sometimes never practice..
Why is it people always go for what is now attractive..
this lactic patch of power,we see from home leaders..
readers learn to see between the filds of thought eaters..
believers lose faith, in what they pray for each day..
they gave their lifes to fake gods, what more can i say..
i may leave this shit behind, hide beside my minds pictures..
thoughts are painted down, i shape words that form scriptures..
ecplipes my own oppinions,gather heads to make it known..
theres good enough hip hop growing here, where i call home..
This art has paved ways to help lives being saved..
but still these rap haters want to see it all graved..
im amazed how this culture,became indipendant..
cut the links from our decendents,we became more tremendous..
Instead of holding Glocks,cutin the clocks time short..
Ask yourself why your girlfriend had your daughter aborted..
you courted with death, she felt a little cheated..
its the way that we live,as deprived young street kids..
Polution clouds my thought,my very sore cranium..
lose control cuz im insane, wantin to live my life painless..
hip hop shop painters,graph pictures of our lives..
they spray the way we try,stay honest without lies..
my cries were never heard, this left me feeling hurt..
it burns away my soul to think im lost in this world..
let time unfold what could behold the truth in my life..
admit the things i feel today, hip hop my wife..

**Ask yourself this, is every life bliss
do we all live to to fight, fight for life for one kiss
never lie to see what happens, death may be among us
i live my life poor,happy till the devil hung us
Ask yourself this, is every life bliss
do we all live to to fight, fight for life for one kiss
never lie to see what happens, death is amongst me
i live my life poor,happy till the devil hangs me**

Civilians raging war,were sore from poor living..
we grow up in a society that dont believe in giving..
does your god forgive you,turnin backs on the poor..
instead of offering hot meals you brush off from your doors..
my eyes see gore gallore, theres not good in our streets..
these scenes brush away the clean concrete from my feet..
decreas the size of your arsenal,we lose too many healthy..
increas your care division ask the help of the wealthy..
im helpless with no thought,but still i have oppinions..
i see people wasting lives bouncing away to fake religeons..
my thoughts are in zaire, and many other third world countries..
where their govormental leaders let them fall like humpty dumpty..
we all live kinda diffirent,but instincts are the same..
if we live bad in a region, its the parliment we blame..
day by day we all make promises change our crooked ways..
but aslong as i try ill let my love for rap stay..
theres way too many influence corupting infant minds..
thats worse than any bullet,songs distinctivly designed..
let me find a resolution,let me try to make a diffrence..
cuz i see change coming my way,and i see it in the disstance..

**Ask yourself this, is every life bliss
do we all live to to fight, fight for life for one kiss
never lie to see what happens, death may be among us
i live my life poor,happy till the devil hung us
Ask yourself this, is every life bliss
do we all live to to fight, fight for life for one kiss
never lie to see what happens, death is amongst me
i live my life poor,happy till the devil hangs me
Ask yourself this, is every life bliss
do we all live to to fight, fight for life for one kiss
never lie to see what happens, death may be among us
i live my life poor,happy till the devil hung us
Ask yourself this, is every life bliss
do we all live to to fight, fight for life for one kiss
never lie to see what happens, death is amongst me
i live my life poor,happy till the devil hangs me**

nice
good flow enjoyed it ur good kid
now read mine

Pleas dont do that, Your new, and you probly only just joined RB...

I know you dont understand that what u just done is a bannable offence...

I will feed yours, But i expect a decent feed from you... =D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by wn

nice
good flow enjoyed it ur good kid
now read mine

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^Gay..probaly didn't even read this...
anywho...this was a joyable read...I won't mention the length(all mines long too :) ) you kept a steady flow through out the whole piece..your imagery was great too...your sechem was nice and your multis were nice...


**Ask yourself this, is every life bliss
do we all live to to fight, fight for life for one kiss
never lie to see what happens, death may be among us
i live my life poor,happy till the devil hung us
Ask yourself this, is every life bliss
do we all live to to fight, fight for life for one kiss
never lie to see what happens, death is amongst me
i live my life poor,happy till the devil hangs me**

^ so simple...yet..so true...great....looking forward to seeing more stuff from you...

~Click~Click~sig.. :)

Thanx man...Its written long cuz its an audio piece...but thanx all the same...

*Clicks Sig*

yo thanks kid im sry

Its Okay, Try not to do it again..!! =D

Uppin...Leave A Link..!!

Uppin Leave A Link..!! =D

NICE piece, verry deeep, like tha rhyme scheme, flow was on point more then a McDonalds McChicken sandwhich :) Good topic, liked how you expressed your imagary, nice piece..
~1~

--[Flow]---
One of the things that really hit me here was the continous and fluent flow..it was consistant throught, your use of internals was unquestionably ferocious...you ahve a dope flow, it's original...not something i see to often.

--[Vocab]--
You had this performed pretty consistant (theres that word again..lol)...some bits were a bit weak but you spread it out nicely and didn;t overcrowd the bars, they were filled nicely..bot bulged over the top:
"my thoughts are in zaire, and many other third world countries..
where their govormental leaders let them fall like humpty dumpty.."

"im amazed how this culture,became indipendant..
cut the links from our decendents,we became more tremendous.."

--[Concept]--
I liked thee concept..the title conicided with it...you talked about alot of relevant stuff, it wasn't like you usually see it...it had a sense of meaning and personality about it...not what i normally see, your impressed me with your imagry and ability to take several topics and grind them into one...

--[Overall]--
Although it was long[ish] it was worth the read...most deserved...4/5...the flow however was the main focal point, was brutal...keep this shit up...don't see too many OM's by you.

Thanx Rythmic.... (Note to all you N0obs, Thats how you give feed =D)

lmao at the amount of spellin' and grammer mistakes i made.

Pfft, O have horendous spelling...

(I dont even know if i spelt that rite..!)

ok ima give this boi some real feed back hope he hits up my open mic and battle in my sig... aiight?

my pen hits the paper, Plains of writen speeches..
im teachin how to rid, of all of lifes bloody leeches..
were preaching what we do,or sometimes never practice..
Why is it people always go for what is now attractive..
^^not bad opener... plains was interesting but if you are referring to fields then i think it needs to be a part of the line...(my pen hits the paper, seeding the plains for written speeches) the next two lines was an awkward mixed metaphor about practicing what you preace.. funny phrasing on "go for what is now attractive"
this lactic patch of power,we see from home leaders..
readers learn to see between the filds of thought eaters..
believers lose faith, in what they pray for each day..
they gave their lifes to fake gods, what more can i say..
^^first two lines are a bit odd...not sure what a lactic patch or a home leader is...nice flow here though and the last two lines are tight
i may leave this shit behind, hide beside my minds pictures..
thoughts are painted down, i shape words that form scriptures..
ecplipes my own oppinions,gather heads to make it known..
theres good enough hip hop growing here, where i call home..
^^good... things are picking up... the flow is still mostly on... cept i felt the last of these four was a bit uneven
This art has paved ways to help lives being saved..
but still these rap haters want to see it all graved..
im amazed how this culture,became indipendant..
cut the links from our decendents,we became more tremendous..
^^i like this... but i don't agree we became more pretentious when we cut these links... maybe you should think about that
Instead of holding Glocks,cutin the clocks time short..
Ask yourself why your girlfriend had your daughter aborted..
you courted with death, she felt a little cheated..
its the way that we live,as deprived young street kids..
^^this could be a bit more complex... flex your mind or a dictionary...try to dream up a multi/internal and flow it just a little better
Polution clouds my thought,my very sore cranium..
lose control cuz im insane, wantin to live my life painless..
hip hop shop painters,graph pictures of our lives..
they spray the way we try,stay honest without lies..
^^last line of these was great, but cranium and painless? wasn't feelin it
my cries were never heard, this left me feeling hurt..
it burns away my soul to think im lost in this world..
let time unfold what could behold the truth in my life..
admit the things i feel today, hip hop my wife..
^^felt the emotion... but i think this was the weakest flow yet... the last line needs some serious restructuring

**Ask yourself this, is every life bliss
do we all live to to fight, fight for life for one kiss
never lie to see what happens, death may be among us
i live my life poor,happy till the devil hung us
Ask yourself this, is every life bliss
do we all live to to fight, fight for life for one kiss
never lie to see what happens, death is amongst me
i live my life poor,happy till the devil hangs me**
^^nice hook... the first to lines with the bliss are very catchy... the second two parts im bettin you struggled to get and still want to work them out a bit maybe...

Civilians raging war,were sore from poor living..
we grow up in a society that dont believe in giving..
does your god forgive you,turnin backs on the poor..
instead of offering hot meals you brush off from your doors..
^^good to see tha flow is back... you came strong here
my eyes see gore gallore, theres not good in our streets..
these scenes brush away the clean concrete from my feet..
decreas the size of your arsenal,we lose too many healthy..
increas your care division ask the help of the wealthy..
^^not as good but solid... the structure is getting tighter and the multis are meaningful
im helpless with no thought,but still i have oppinions..
i see people wasting lives bouncing away to fake religeons..
my thoughts are in zaire, and many other third world countries..
where their govormental leaders let them fall like humpty dumpty..
^^k not sure if humpty dumpty is the best imagery... it takes the seriousness out of what you have done so far... try to stay in character or you'll lose the mood
we all live kinda diffirent,but instincts are the same..
if we live bad in a region, its the parliment we blame..
day by day we all make promises change our crooked ways..
but aslong as i try ill let my love for rap stay..
^^phrasing remains an issue... you could flip these lines and have them make more sense and flow better...try and i'll are hard to couple because then need a pause...or the "eye" sound mushed togther... my vers.(but i'll try as long as I live to let my love for rap stay)
theres way too many influence corupting infant minds..
thats worse than any bullet,songs distinctivly designed..
let me find a resolution,let me try to make a diffrence..
cuz i see change coming my way,and i see it in the disstance..
^^nice close...i like the songs distinctivly designed part... thought it would be "But i see it in the distance" more ironic, the first part about seeing chang coming makes it feel close then you add the distance.. i get a little confused.. the "but" makes it hit home...

**Ask yourself this, is every life bliss
do we all live to to fight, fight for life for one kiss
never lie to see what happens, death may be among us
i live my life poor,happy till the devil hung us
Ask yourself this, is every life bliss
do we all live to to fight, fight for life for one kiss
never lie to see what happens, death is amongst me
i live my life poor,happy till the devil hangs me
Ask yourself this, is every life bliss
do we all live to to fight, fight for life for one kiss
never lie to see what happens, death may be among us
i live my life poor,happy till the devil hung us
Ask yourself this, is every life bliss
do we all live to to fight, fight for life for one kiss
never lie to see what happens, death is amongst me
i live my life poor,happy till the devil hangs me**
^^no need to put this in again... just label it the first time and put "HookX4 "
__________________
Ok overall this was decent for a song... for a topical text... you need to elevate text and complexity... i liked it though

Thanx =)

Leave a Link..!! =)

Leave a Link..!! =)

Leave a Link..!! =)

This was a long ass read...but enjoyed.
The concept of this was amazing. the way you followed every line after eachother was very well done. it seemed tobe more of a poetic type piece...i felt with the imagery and topic...but you wrote on this topic beuatifully....i'll be looking at more of your pieces....keep up the good work


hit something up in my sig if you want...thanks

Quote:

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it seemed tobe more of a poetic type piece

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^ Thank You... =D

*Clicks Sig*

Jus drop a link... =D

Replied to this just din't leave a link here it is..trust me all my pieces are worth tha read not a newb u knoe me i knoe u :)

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=116408

Do i know u..??

lol

Uppinizzle...!!

i suck at stories so I can't really comment, but I can say use more multies, they are grrrrrrrrrrrrreat!!!!!!!!

More Multies...

Okay...=)

Leave a link... =)

Uppin..!! =D

Liked your topic(s). Flow was good, vocab level was good. Saw a few structure things - but that's a pet peeve of mine - overall it was good. Very somber piece made for a thought-provoking work. Saw some internals scattered around which gave the rhyme scheme some complexity. Nice work overall. Agree that the reference to "Humpty Dumpty" just seemed out of place though. Hit something in my sig if you can, preferably Lamentations.

Thanx... =)

*Clicks Sig..!*

Liked this piece....gud vocab and flow was never off....
Wordplay was tidy and some of the bars were descriptive
and very readable....

Thanx Man..!!

Tell ya what...Ill feed you on your audio... =)

aiiight mate...check this link in turn..pz

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...64#post1218764

Quote:

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"im amazed how this culture,became indipendant..
cut the links from our decendents,we became more tremendous.."

---

Typical from you.

Great concept and thoughts put forth in that peice, very good. Almost like ya trying to set a landmark of how ukrap is developing in uk.


nice shit, keep it up (otherwise the phantom will haunt :) )

Lol..Thanx man..!!

Uppin..!

i gotta say Bigg, i think is the best ive ever read from you.... the flow was very smooth and ya transitions were to... it stayed pretty much nicely balanced all thru... with a decent range of vocab and not overused..... it was long as fuck, lol, but didnt seem to fall anywhere.... yeah a great read here with a nice concept thru to the execution

Thanx Dev...Much Appretiated.!!