Mirror On The Wall.

Blood drips, from tears,
…She trips from fear…
Beautiful red lips,
As her reflection hits,
…And cracks the mirror;
The last of her body shaking,
Thoughts of the past, aching.
…Some of her last breath,
She has left…
...she’s taking;
Thoughts of the past, breaking,
All about the choices she’s making;
…Hopes rise she holds tight,
The shine in her eyes fright,
Tries to keep a straight face,
…but still lace with contrite;
Not one sin committed
Yet she wants to be forgiven
As she stares at her image…
She just decides to finally give in.


http://www.rapflava.com/forums/attac...ade-her-cry.jp

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...76#post5488076
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...78#post5488078

Wow,
Very Strong Piece.

Like I Say Before, Your One Of The Most Creative Topical Head On Rb, And Should Be In Hall Of Fame. You Have Strong Visual Imagery. You Have Nice Vocabulary, And Nice Metaphors, Keep Going Kid. Nice Piece Here, One Of Your Best I've Seen So Far, And Can't Wait To See Your Next Piece.

P.S.-Lets Do A Collab.

wtf, why is all the feed i have deleted?

THE SITE FUCKED UP MAN, I WAS WHITE KONG AND ALL MY SHIT GOT FUCKED UP THATS WHY I SWITCHED UP MY NAMES.....

but anyways I loved this piece...good imagery, wordplay, multies, metaphors
basically everything stood out Ive read a couple of your pieces and you doing ya thing playboy stay up, keep elevating (though your topicals never need work)
~1~

Lol, I still need alot of work, thanks though.

Pretty deep peice, Im diggin the new style
I'm not much into poems but this was well done

Gotta give ya some props for sure on that my man

I have to admit.It all made sense you werent just looking for words that rhyme and it wasnt depressing good work papi!

That was good. I would have probably liked to see it continue but for I definitely felt that desperation element that you seemed to be going for. Yeah the ryhming was tight plus it all made sense basically so the only negative feedback I can give you is that it would have been cool if you wrote other verses for it, that way you could develop the character more slowly thoughrouly.

tite shit right here. a bit short...imagery was sharp to say the least.....

i had a slight problem with the word choice of one line in particular though
which was-

Some of her last breath
she has left


some of her breath seems a bit strange
anyway--

flow/ meter was nice .moved at a fast and intense pace for me..
i may have deleted the word just from the last line, or chopped a syllable somewhere else to tighten the meter ffor the end line
more a poem here than an om . but nice all the same


cool


check out my piece right here-

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=325818

Lol, yeah the end was a bit rushed, I just wanted to get it done.

Thanks anyway everyone.

upp.

This was a decent piece man. At first i wasnt sure but the more i read the more everything fit pretty nicely. It was a little short but it still worked. Good job.

thanks.

i'll be honest it came off shaky at first it didn't come out well when i first started reading it got better as i went on reading. But still this girl i felt was still not completely revealed to the reader i finished reading it and wondering wtf happened cause i can't see that picture maybe but it just seemed like the reasons for here leading up to this point were hidden and what happened to here was hidden overall decent and you might think my feed was harsh but im not being harsh im just showing you that i actually read it

feed me and paks new piece pleas babe

It did make sense I like your structure the image was meh wording was good .......the verse was a lil short but fuck it overall I give it a 7 because it wasn't bad just wasn't nothing too good neither but good verse