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Dmitre The Nomad
Your first love? .. It should be for the love of others!
A man’s utter devotion to his sisters and his brothers
And from the fetal position, to marriage ..
.. And even beneath the covers
If needs be - get down on your knees & carry your mother!
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Dmitre was an ex-citizen of the collapsed Soviet Union,
He worked his way out of eastern Europe, eager to prove himself
Emigrated to the States, leaving his family in his wake
It’s like he’s a dead man ..
.. & yet he’s gambling in the afterlife, for higher stakes
He studied Langston Hughes, & Edgar Allen too at college
Opened up his mind to things, expanded his base of knowledge
Changed up the times, and indulged in a cultured visage –
Mixing with the luscious types of females ..
.. Hereby maintaining, a positive self-image
Onward and upward he prospered, never in self-doubt
Taking all he was offered, that’s all he was ever about
He sent his family no regard, no words would be sent homeward
But in his shame he puts up a façade ..
.. This is the way of the lonesome nomad
…
He’s got that complex kind of mind, the kind that breaks anon
Decimation of every ex-flame that dares to make herself known
Ruthless at times - stereotypical I guess of his race
Yet he’s on the outside - fine ..
.. Of course, not wanting to stand disgraced
Deeper still, into the black market trade he’s now immersed in
Out of his depth seemingly, his own brothers would curse him
His mother lay awake at night, wondering what became of him
He’s out of the way, and out of sight
.. She’s yearning just to cradle him
So while our Dmitre is in debt, & on the run from the government
Something sets in at last, and he discovers the holy covenant
Comes to his senses, so to speak, only it’s all too late
The state’s coming down on him ..
.. He doesn’t have too long now to wait
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Your first love? .. It should be for the love of others!
A man’s utter devotion to his sisters and his brothers
And from the fetal position, to marriage ..
.. And even beneath the covers
If needs be - get down on your knees & carry your mother!
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wow very deep piece. the story was great and seemed very realistic at the same time. i am sure this happens to many people in his situation. the writing was very nice. i was blown away by how easy a read this was. very easy read but very deep meaning. it seemed like nothing was forced and you said everything you set out to. very nice job. good meter good story good overall read.
if you can peep my piece drugs in my sig or vote on my battle in ss i would be thankful
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Not a bad drop here, Very creative. Likes the imagery alot. The sroty was alright too.
Even tho this was a good drop. I think it should've went in the Poetry section.
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Why the fuck would I do that?! Because it wasn't boring generic homoness like 90% of this forum is?
It had a hook and it was set out to be an OM, retard. And it was a topical, hence the unusual story. Write something original for once in your life.
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i dug the concept and the way the story developed, good, original structure as well man. the imagery was a little stripped down but thats ok for a piece of this length. i think your vocab could've been improved some, and a few multi's would've been good to see. but its a decent piece and worth the read.
keep on posting, if you could rep one of mine, i'd appricaite it.
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lol@poetry section...lmao
good story man...the structure made the storyline easier to follow,so good choice on that.i felt the imagery could have been improved a little,but it seemed to me you didn't focus that much on imagery...i really liked the way the story evoulved(very easy to follow) and it was raw.the emotions was good and meaningful.the flow and rhymescheme were good,as i've always seen from you.overall a good read man.keep it up!
and if you could drop a feed in "a cubist poet"(in my sig) it would be much apreciated.
Peace!
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^ Since you always seem to give good replies to my pieces, and to a lot of pieces generally, I am going to reply to that in depth at some point - give you some serious critcism and advice.
Johnny, there are a few reasons that this doesn't have a lot of multies, firstly to help the 'flow' of the verse, I went with internals more (eg. regard/façade etc.) .. secondly, it was because of the intonation of what I was saying. It had a lot of rhythm if you read it properly, the tone is great. I am more pleased with the overall standard of this than I have been with my writing for a while actually ..
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I personaly think the imagery was fine in the piece, the structure and the vocab came across well which allowed the reader to easily folow the storyline ( which unfourtunatly to some extent is something that happens much to often). While there weren't many multi's in this piece I don't feel that they are necessary to have a good drop. It's more important to make sure that you paint a clear picture to the reader of what story you are telling or what point you are trying to get acoss. I don't use a lot of multi's in my writings so I think this came across very well. Nice piece man.
If you get time check out "Thought it was a dream", link in my sig
appreciated, peace
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jekyll... this was really dope.
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Thanks Na Ledge, and Sirus as well, thanks for peeping.
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Very very nice work here.
Your tone was pretty damn good, that of a story teller. Great third person storytelling. I thought that the story itself was very original, new, and sweet. Bitter sweet. The emotion was very rapid fire, I felt that the climax of the piece was too short, too fast. As soon as it reached the pinnacle of emotion, it was over. I wish you would've gone a bit deeper into the sentiments of his family, even though you did a very good job as it is. Vocabulary was good, as always. Your words fit the piece well. Your rhythm and rhyme was very creative, a very interesting structure, you pulled it off well. Great story, strong tone, dope vocabulary, an original show-case of what a plot should be, and just a damn good read.
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yo this was a nice piece of artwork u got hear.. very Imaginary I would say first.. and the story line fit perfectly on the choosen words u decided to use in this piece... again nothing mind blowing but an ejoyable read especially for a long piece as this.. my mind usually wanders off but this piece didn't.. keep elevating and forward to see more of ur work...
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=186975
Leave me feed and tell me wat u think of my verse bro...
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the immagery was very nice in this piece,
catchy flow and the vocab was on point, ..
i liked the story line u used, and the way of concept usage ..
very well done, nice read man
hit up ''for old times sakes'
its an old piece but its worth reading, you should peep it ..peace.
