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This was a dope piece, maybe not your best but this goes up with those, the structure in this piece is not a big deal, because i was so focused on the verse that i could tell notin u did was goin to rhyme, btw, this i liked describing every moment and every feeling of every animal was nice, and tying poilitical stuff into this OM was real dope, your vocab was pretty good and your writing is beginning to elevate more and more as u write and you arew becoming more creative. Ive saw in some of the members feed that u had like retold the story in your own way so if thats tru i hope you have retold it alot better than the orginial cuz what i read was real nice, your imagery was very wonderful and the main part of the verse that i liked was this:
He scares the Donkey.
When the Donkey starts to flee,
he stops, sees the squawking
ease of the Pigeon and his deed...
Watches the street as two men
start to lute the Quickie Mart
then eat the led that bled
from the dead artists hearts.
Watches the Elephant dance
behind the dam walls as all the wastelands
scream in agony to be saved.
Counting on his pace to scare away
the Crocodile's surrounding banks
so his vile gaze could scare away
the cynical bird who sat pinnacle
to disaster climbing a step latter
high above the action to simulate
the way of flight pattern without
stepping down from his place of instigate.
and i also liked the pigeon part also, but anyway, keep it up, i really liked this
Please hit up the 2nd OM in my sig, thanks
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The complexity of the hidden messages is portrayed in a good yet indirect sense. The poetic flow is good, the message/story potent. I liked this as in it was very good and the structure was also gpnear perfect in length and form. I would have left comments earlier but i just came on. I reckon your an asset to the OM section and i believe that we would all want to see more work from you. SO keep it going.
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Thanks alot for the feedback everyone.
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I really enjoyed this. The images you were able to paint were weird...but clear. Like the user above me said it was nice how you were able to use the theme of a childrens story, and relate it to polotics. Once again this read like a poem to me, and the lines seemed to run on and jus flow. Nice work man.
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This one slipped my attention, i usually feed on your pieces so here goes man...
Okay first thing may i say this was an amazingly clever piece to actually switch a childs story into a serious, worldly topic such as polotics, just wow... That was origional... It seemed strange at first read but then when i read through it a second i grasped the metas and terms used to signify (cleverly) the serious topic... It seemed deep and extremely well though out man... damn this was a great read... man i really enjoy reading your stuff, when i first started reading your stuff i wasn't to kean, but since i've watched you drop dope every time, now i just love your style.
Well done man, this was great.
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Lol ya I thought you fed it earlier? Hm, maybe that was the other piece. Thanks for the feedback though.
