Behind the Scenes

Outside I look normal, jus a teenager goin through rough times
Unbruised on the surface, fake smiles to please unaware minds
Its like a show I put on every day, I just gotta pretend to be fine
Cause people askin stupid questions, only makes me keep lyin
Grades steadily dropping in School, no motivation to try hard, fuck strife
As I watch rain splash on my car, It paints a smeared picture of my life
Another day gone by for me, Emotions tell me it's still one too many
Contemplate suiced often, wonder where my soul would send me
My feelings I hide, pent up inside...

Fuck this

I can't fuckin take it anymore! Fuck all those that made me like this
Lingustics can't describe my rage, Feelings hiding from outside sources
Can't keep this shit pent up anymore, Now aggression is spewing out
Cut my wrists and lick the blood, Then savor the taste in my mouth
You aint never seen me like this! But this is how I truly emotionally feel!
You fuckers would never understand! To you all of this shit aint real!
I storm through my room in a rampage, tears cause double vision like reflections
See a disgrace staring at me in the mirror, and then shatter the complexion
My personal life is in peices, Abusive relationships and shattered dreams
You see the fake me, but only my heart, soul and mind know me Behind the Scenes

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=121118
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=120996

What you lacked in structure, you sure as hell made up for in emotion. Some rhymes were off, and some were so good it nearly sent a chill down my back.

Can't keep this shit pent up anymore, Now aggression is spewing out
Cut my wrists and lick the blood, Then savor the taste in my mouth
You aint never seen me like this! But this is how I truly emotionally feel!
You fuckers would never understand! To you all of this shit aint real!

^That was definitely your strongest stanza, great rhyme, flow, and emotion. Strong piece.

Please return the favor.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=121236

come on...I replied to a few OMs...up

You definatley had emotion in this. BUT.. the structure was bad & their was no internal rhyming. It was decent but could have been alot better

toss some multis in there and it wuill be pretty damn hot
P.S. your crazy
haha
but a nice VERY emotional filled drop
youd prolly be hot in audio, cuz with all that emotion itd be tight to listen to

You aint never seen me like this! But this is how I truly emotionally feel
through and near that line emotions were good.
did like this lines flow with the others, nice peice
still yet, could have been better witht he struc,
and other shit , but just keep dropping,

You kill yourself and i will be fuckin pissed at you...nice drop emotional good open heart surgery of your topic and nice OM.......lol he isn't even near that emotional on audio ....pz

damn got a reply from the admin (MadMan), Evolve, and Mantik a respected topical writer...and all said it was pretty good ;)

i will edit my opinions in here....very emotional read though...

damn benny! this shit is ill.... asian pride .... hehehe.. u IJL wannabe

This is a very emotional piece.. i love it.. i really feel what you are going thru.. im sorry life is so ruff but thats what your buddy is here for... this was good.. even though id rather you not make somthing like this.. unless it wasnt going through you.. seriously man this is a really good piece

thanks...up

i was really feelin this piece man i feel da same way so as i related to dis it was really good your structure could of been better but your flow was nice i liked the imagersy almost like a chapter out of a novel maybe you should ex-tend this piece really nice piece to read i quite enjoyed it keep good shit comein...peace

I promised you that I'll read this and I will...
I'll be back to edit this with a breakdown later on..peace..

Damn Lyric. . emotional shit. The structure was a whore though, but you made up for it with the emotions running high. This would've been alot more effective with a better structure though. Overall though, with the emotion, this piece was very nice. . keep dropping man.

Verrrrryy nice piece here man.. I saw this in FL in the topical but didn't get a chance to vote up. I really enjoyed this piece alot. Absolute great emotion portrayed.... I would quote some lines, but I liked them all.. very nicely done.

Dope.

peace

As has already been said very emotive - scheme could maybe be a little more complex but your content carried it. Liked your closer but thought it would've been nicer condensed a little. Liked the dual display - first sadness then rage. Nice work - hit my Breathless.

well wow i have to say personally i think this is your best piece by far!!!!

ill start with flow, flow in this piece was spot on all the way thur, really kept me reading the piece and the structure helped that as it was easy on the eyes.

the emotion you change between the first part and of the om and the secound is brilliant. it really made me feel like that guy just snaped and said fuck it!!!! then when you continue the emotion picks up again!!

vocab was pretty good althoyght could of been better in places.

fave lines =Can't keep this shit pent up anymore, Now aggression is spewing out
Cut my wrists and lick the blood, Then savor the taste in my mouth

and = My personal life is in peices, Abusive relationships and shattered dreams
You see the fake me, but only my heart, soul and mind know me Behind the Scenes

^ that is very powerful.

You did a good job on this piece man, and this was an enjoyable read, and the tpic is somthing everyone goes thur, which is why this spoke to me!! really keep this quality of work up man. pz 9/10

nice piece man........wonderful display of emotion, very heartfelt
i thought the second half was especially good...i liked the
way you portrayed both the internal and external view points...
creative use of the topic......structure...meh.. may have been
stretched in a few spots...but to me still read nicely...
the rhyme scheme though seemed a little simple, could
have benifitted from some multis...nonetheless, nice work
keep it up!

- peace -

Whoa!

Deep piece.. MadMan pointed out the best stanza.. emotions were off the wall.. really raw an personal.. i jus pray this isnt relevant to ya real life dude.. u worded it perfectly for the scenario at hand.. jus plain ol' raw emotion.. great work.

Excellent... structure was poo though.... it was kinda hard to read, but it didnt really matter i guess

Flow was very good, and lyrics were superb... The switch between emotions was excellent, and if you do audio, i strongly urge you to record this... it would sound awesome

The emotional part towards the end was the perfect finisher for the piece, and the only real fault was the structure... vocab was good, meaning was good... flow was excellent.. you had nice story telling abilities and everything played out nicely.. top stuff

Return the favour by checking my open mic "My Room"

Thanks all...appreciate it....uppin for more vets

please?

yea dude emotional as is gets right here....

That part where you said lick up the blood and savor it, I was like... I didn't know what to think you know what I mean, dope but it gets to you. Structure wasn't as some lines changed syllables up on you without notice. Emotion's great.... What else can I say.

Also when you said smeared a paited picture on my life, that was deep... And the people ask stupid questions keeps me lying... deep man, deep.

This was good benny....good emotion
Up your multis and structure
I thought the flow was still good tho
Imagry and emotion were good too
Kep droppin

you showed that you have alot of Emotion which i was feeling that alot but you structure seemed off it needs sortin out before you do your next open mic...
good overall :- RASCAL

--[Flow]---
The flow was alittle basic...you refrained from adding many internals..and i felt that some rhymes were off, well, depends on how you say them i guess...but to me they sounded a little off-rhyming...try to keep the bar length consistent, it helps the flow but for the most part..flow was decent.

--[Vocab]--
In some parts it was dope..and it others it lacked...try to keep this consistent and your flow will benefit...cos to me it seemed a little scattered about the place...but, all in all wasn't all that bad...it shows potential and if you were to elevate this aspect...the rest of your ability would improve dramatically.

--[Concept]--
I loved what you were saying..it seemed really authentic,genuine and real to me...you displayed alot of emotion, mostly anger & depression..lol...and really pulled this off...you portrayed this like you were talking directly:

"You aint never seen me like this! But this is how I truly emotionally feel!
You fuckers would never understand! To you all of this shit aint real!"....

and i loved this bar:

"Can't keep this shit pent up anymore, Now aggression is spewing out
Cut my wrists and lick the blood, Then savor the taste in my mouth".

--[Overall]--
it was a good peice...flow and vocab were a bit off but as i said in wither's piece...it made up for it in real gritty emotion...."3.8/5"...try to up your vocab..it lets you add depth and complexity to what your saying....good th0..

If you got time..
Sacrifice of a Nation:Mount Sinai

^Thanks much for the breakdown...reall appreciate it.. Maybe I'll try to fic the structure and add better vocab then re-releas this...uppin for more vets to peep this *cough*LM*cough*

uppin

this as dope man i realter to this exactly and its like u talk my and every 16yr olds emotion and put it onto this site for all to see and to show that we are misunderstood. and mann this was tight really enjoyed it if its not already nominated im going to. actually i'll do it anyway keep good shit like this comein and i'll keep reading.

Thanks^ uppin this

upp

few more opinions?

good argee wit them u did lack structure but overall good

jo u should edit it so u could fix the structure and add on some things

upp

still waitin for Penksills and Smoka to edit in their comments

upp

DAMN!
The emotion in this was HEAVY.
Very deep peice, i like it...
Very very very.. interesting..
Keep it up.

Its been said... your strucure and internals were lacking heavily...
Your rhyme pattern was horrid in the first stanza...

However.. you came off with some great emotion and imagery...
If you wroked out the technical flaws in this, you would have a great piece

Keep writing and improving.... = )

the structure was ok i guess, but could have been greatly improved, maybe it was the way you layed it out..anyway, this was emotional, and i like that, one thing that struck me was the line about the character licking the blood from his wrist and savouring the taste, that cannibalistic line really hit this piece of, that was the crescendo line for me, really nicely written as a whole.

i will peep your other piece, just give me a few minutes...i want you to love me forever..