Fight Night

So after listing to a song by Swag and Mr.Write I got pumped and decided to write this, took me about 45 mins to write hoping I can get this in HOF. Definitions of some words are at the bottom



Fight Night

Today is my day to start my training; Going for a run while its raining
Look, my body is finally gaining; strength, so i can stop straining
and my emotions can stop feigning; cuz now its as easy as painting
all over my shirts I'm staining; cuz i used to feel like I'm waning

This could change my whole world around; I'll take my face getting a pound
Hell I'll even take my face to the ground; I'll still win and get crowned
Of this thing people call underground; Fighting as if it is battleground
The crowed is so loud its like ultrasound; People follow the fights and runaround

This is a tournament entitled "Fight Night"; One rule is you're not allowed to bite
Another is no destroying peoples sight; when i fight my disadvantage will be slight
I'll be as strong and fierce like an Hittite; And my match will be the night's highlight
I'll be even more solid than graphite; And I'll be even colder than frostbite

To reach this goal, i gota be deadly like amphibole; And be as dangerous as glycerol
Gotta be like coal, and not be like a deflated casserole; I'll make it like a superboal, n
Fierce like Seoul, Gona be more loved than oriole; i can't be just like a monopole
I'll have to thole, Strike at many points n take control; Making him hide inside a cubbyhole








amphibole - Any of a class of rock-forming silicate or aluminosilicate minerals typically occurring as fibrous or columnar crystals

Seoul - The capital of South Korea,

Monopole - A single electric charge or magnetic pole, esp. a hypothetical isolated magnetic pole

Oriole - An Old World bird related to the starlings that feeds on fruit and insects, the male typically having bright yellow and black plumag

Glycerol - A colorless, sweet, viscous liquid formed as a byproduct in soap manufacture. It is used as an emollient and laxative, and for making explosives and antifreeze

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...810/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...029/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...989/index.html

Today is my day to start my training; Going for a run while its raining
Look, my body is finally gaining; strength, so i can stop straining
and my emotions can stop feigning; cuz now its as easy as painting
all over my shirts I'm staining; cuz i used to feel like I'm waning

first 2 lines were nice...the rhyme scheme quickly got repetitive and forced

This could change my whole world around; I'll take my face getting a pound
Hell I'll even take my face to the ground; I'll still win and get crowned
Of this thing people call underground; Fighting as if it is battleground
The crowed is so loud its like ultrasound; People follow the fights and runaround

really repetitve right here...boring almost...not very creative

This is a tournament entitled "Fight Night"; One rule is you're not allowed to bite
Another is no destroying peoples sight; when i fight my disadvantage will be slight
I'll be as strong and fierce like an Hittite; And my match will be the night's highlight
I'll be even more solid than graphite; And I'll be even colder than frostbite

ok...im getting repetitive now...time for a concluding critique

To reach this goal, i gota be deadly like amphibole; And be as dangerous as glycerol
Gotta be like coal, and not be like a deflated casserole; I'll make it like a superboal, n
Fierce like Seoul, Gona be more loved than oriole; i can't be just like a monopole
I'll have to thole, Strike at many points n take control; Making him hide inside a cubbyhole


The rhyme scheme in this was very basis as well as the similes...I didnt like this very much at all...extremely generic

Thanks for feed but could you explain how it got repetitive?

The rhyme scheme was too tight...there were no real connecting lines very robotic

esp..This could change my whole world around; I'll take my face getting a pound
Hell I'll even take my face to the ground; I'll still win and get crowned
Of this thing people call underground; Fighting as if it is battleground
The crowed is so loud its like ultrasound; People follow the fights and runaround

a single syllable rhyme scheme is hard to maintain without a varying internal rhyme that draws the attention away from last word...but rather using the last word for emphasis rather than a complete thought...thats what I meant by repetitive hopefully this helps

Ahh okay thanks

good attempt, but its not HOF worthy. .

my biggest problem is the way you closed alot of the lines. .

"I'll take my face getting a pound"
"as if it is battleground"

if you pull those sections and just type it out it don't make sense. they are broken sentences

when all you had to was type "as if its a battleground" to fix it. .

I also found it odd, that all the words you felt you had to explain meaning for, all fell into the very last section of bars??

but with all that aside, you are in the right direction with concepts, and dont let this feed break you down, because i can tell that you put alot of effort into upping your vocab and putting overall polish on your work... i can tell you are elevating, but still. . not HOF worthy yet. . . keep up man

thanks for feed brah

yeah like everybody else said change your rhyme scheme up. if it was audio i could understand having a set scheme but it gets too boring and repetitive in text. more multis the single word rhyming is also very boring. you know what multis are right...if not just ask. anyway it also seemed like you were forcing rhymes as well, the last verse especially. also expand those similies into metaphors. You have good vocab and the basic down, i can tell you're fairly intelligent, just keep writing.

pretty good concepts...im also liking the flow here good opener
finish wasnt as strong on the other hand though i thought it was rather good though and yeah it got a tiny repeitive..but you doing alot better then me haah
keep writin man.
overall 8.5/10

rtf ? ---> http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....html?t=453137

Yo drew loving the concept i could see the improvement that ur sticking alot to imagery. But i can agree with other feedback u are focusing to much on ur words rather then creativity. like ur vocab was repetitive the way the rhyme scheme was written out. all i can say is work on ur metaphorical skills because in ur lines it just seemed metaphores were just stacked in there and didnt make sense. Overall man i respect that ur keeping at it.

Quote:

---

Today is my day to start my training; Going for a run while its raining
Look, my body is finally gaining; strength, so i can stop straining
and my emotions can stop feigning; cuz now its as easy as painting
all over my shirts I'm staining; cuz i used to feel like I'm waning

---

^hmmm, the multies you used here were cool man don't get me wrong.. It's just there was no real emotion or story i was getting out of it, it seems like u tried to hard to just make the topic keep going.. Not bad for an opener though

Quote:

---

This could change my whole world around; I'll take my face getting a pound
Hell I'll even take my face to the ground; I'll still win and get crowned
Of this thing people call underground; Fighting as if it is battleground
The crowed is so loud its like ultrasound; People follow the fights and runaround

---

^you used the word ground and pount a lil too much here, and by now I think readers would be tired of the multiple route your taking, try takin it easy - work with a different line structure.. And now that I really look at it, the lines were really simple man.. 'loud like an ultrasound' doesn't make much sense either cuz I do not recall those being loud lol..

Quote:

---

This is a tournament entitled "Fight Night"; One rule is you're not allowed to bite
Another is no destroying peoples sight; when i fight my disadvantage will be slight
I'll be as strong and fierce like an Hittite; And my match will be the night's highlight
I'll be even more solid than graphite; And I'll be even colder than frostbite

---

^first off when I read this, 'you are not allowed to bite' pops out at me.. that's a no in my opinion.. way too weak if ur trying to get this nommed tbh... and the route you took taking the 'rules' thing into the next line makes it look weak, 'destroying sight' sounds kinda cheesey, try to freshen it up a bit.. the next two lines I actually like.. you changed up ur structure a bit and freshened up the story.. ended well

Quote:

---

To reach this goal, i gota be deadly like amphibole; And be as dangerous as glycerol
Gotta be like coal, and not be like a deflated casserole; I'll make it like a superboal, n
Fierce like Seoul, Gona be more loved than oriole; i can't be just like a monopole
I'll have to thole, Strike at many points n take control; Making him hide inside a cubbyhole

---

^too much going on here imo, alot of weak metaphhors that I really do not want to break down.. uhm work on getting the point across more and less on making dope sounding multies.. thats pretty much all i gotta say, other than that u stayed on topic pretty much with it, sorry if it looked like i despised this piece, just trying to help.. peace