Inner Regrets.

Use to want to be a certain way, race to church and pray
Nervous breakdown only to find the parts in perfect shape
Untill I learned to say what I actually felt was true & right
Held subdued so tight, as if it helped me through the night
I, myself knew inside.. longing for a sturdy shield of strength
Feelings engraved, unable to heal the pain in fields of shame
Peel & strain.. staring upwards as the clouds frown on me
My riches melted, the blisters settled.. tearing down alchemy
Frustration in a crushed haven, memories of a musk fragrance
Corrupt angels covered in dust, pavin' roads for abrupt changes
Its hard to trust patience when it never seems to arrive, so..
I sleep wide-eye'd with dreams of blindfolds, seeds of my hope
In the crease it strives slowly planted firm as I stand concerned
Spec of dirt in a can of worms.. how these sands have turned
My scorning pride shakes the conforming lights of mourning skys
Distorting lies tangled between according ties of warning signs
Ambushed by unforgotten thoughts that are sprung & lost in..
Some rotten rough areas run often into unspoken tongue gossip
Underneath vacant breath, it drags.. the days begin to stretch
Heart was grazed, then she left.. so sadly mistaken is the death


Fucking bitch.


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...html?p=7681855
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...431/index.html

"Its hard to trust patience when it never seems to arrive, so..
I sleep wide-eye'd with dreams of blindfolds, seeds of my hope
In the crease it strives slowly planted firm as I stand concerned"

^ fav. part

I'm getting from this piece that it was written about - the stressing, latter part of a relationship when you're about to breakup with a girlfriend?

I like the use of sharp figurative language you used to describe your feelings about this moment. The multis we're executed smoothly as well; I didn't feel they we're forced, or used for the sake of rhyme. The message was still there.

This is the first piece I have read in a long while on these forums.

Why so many multi-rhymes? Why destroy a work of art with an armaggedon of rhyming words that have no superior connection to the theme of a work? You have a severe case of DZK syndrome or something. Please take my advice, stop writing just to RHYME. Write to inspire, write to bring a message to your audience that they can connect to. This felt like a plether of mixed emotions and feelings. The metaphors were non-sensical. I felt you had a firm grip of structure in your writing, and the potential to be fluent in flow and meter is definatley present - but, this just did not connect. You need to channel your emotions into a story. A series of events, that a character reflected through your experiences can endure, leading to a climax and and ending that will leave us all thinking. Look at the Hall Of Fame or Legends sections, mimic what those writers did to be so successful. You have a lot of promise, but it is time to improve your writing to a point where the reader and the writer both walk away empowered afterwards. Keep writing.

This piece was fucking brilliant, especially the sleeping wide eyed with the blindfolds bit, that is brilliance. However, two lines just threw me off


Some rotten rough areas run often into unspoken tongue gossip
What does that mean? unspoken tongue gossip? i just threw me way off there which was bad because it was towards the end. Maybe if someone can tell me what it means i'll reread it and yeah.
Underneath vacant breath, it drags.. the days begin to stretch
Also the second line, it's good but in my opinion, phrase the days begin to stretch just seems so used and thus uncontextual. I'm saying that like because you wrote about gossip in one line and straight onto days stretching and i didnt feel any connection between the two. I'm new and still have a lot to learn, but i didnt feel it mate...

Thanx for the feed ppl. It was a 30 min key and I was exhausted so forgive me.. lol

And @ Aco, basically the gossip line was about major feelings of wanting to spread shit about her but not doing it.. and it connects with the line below in the vacant breath aspect of it.. the stretching of days bit was just me being honest about it (the line beneath that states grazing the heart) I was kind of saying I let her in, she did her destuction for a while.. left and I was stuck with the aftermath.. hopefully that ansewers your question... thanks again for the feedback fellas..

Bumpage I guess you could say...

good drop, started off strong with the opening lines.. like some parts -didnt care for others..

fav lines

In the crease it strives slowly planted firm as I stand concerned
Spec of dirt in a can of worms.. how these sands have turned
My scorning pride shakes the conforming lights of mourning skys
Distorting lies tangled between according ties of warning signs

good stuff there

Dex'Lab, I think the reason why he has so many multirhymes is because it just comes naturally. Case in point:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wise Ways

Thanx for the feed ppl. It was a 30 min key and I was exhausted so forgive me..

---

---

Anyway... an alliteration is when you use the same sound to start all or most of the words in a line. You don't use alliterations, but what I've noticed is that your piece is NOT lisp friendly. But for those without lisps, it rolls off the tongue spectacularly.

Like going "sasasasasasa" to a rhythm. Then replacing most of those "sa's" with actual words. Then giving those words meaning. Actual meaning.

"She left" is the only clue as to whom the subject (narrator?) is referring to. It's revealed at the end so as to have a bit of suspense. In fact, with mentionings of being a certain way, church, and sturdy shields it almost lends to the illusion that it is god to whom is referred to. (Unless of course, your god is female. Then that is different.)

Spectacular flow, real depth commentary, good rhymes, and just the right length and size without excess to trim.

-

Nice drop fam.

Peel & strain.. staring upwards as the clouds frown on me
My riches melted, the blisters settled.. tearing down alchemy
Frustration in a crushed haven, memories of a musk fragrance
Corrupt angels covered in dust, pavin' roads for abrupt changes
Its hard to trust patience when it never seems to arrive, so..
I sleep wide-eye'd with dreams of blindfolds, seeds of my hope


Fav lines, dope multies



Overall: This was a well solid and well written drop from you, loved the creativity within the multies...and the vocab was perfect...you hit everything right on the head so nothing much i can really say to critique you...should have made it a tad bit longer but hey, good read overall, props, keep writing fam.,hope to read much more from you....good drop..


-Novade