What a Smile Costs

What A Smile Costs




I admit guilt but I know that my Blood's Cold-
I'm filled with the false gospel of what's Told...
And I must shoulder the weight of expectation;
Unless they say that I'm an inmate to test men's station...

I know my life's a loss, My mind's a mess;
I wish my play was paused so I'd die in jest...
I feel like life's empty, love's been unfilfilled
And I lost the girl meant for me cuz my friend was killed...

Quote:

---

My crown is heavy, I'm the King of a Ransom...
Handsome men die when they try to throw a tantrum...

---

I feel my veins pulsing,
I'm tired and sad...
I'm still the same old thing
that was admired and glad...
But my mood's been changing,
I lost respect...
I consume my attained fling
To cross my neck...
Earth is crying,
The Green turns brown...
But first the lying
Must be Seen from Sound...
And if refrain is met by
My late indulgence...
Abstain from set-
---Checkmate!
...Convulsions...

Quote:

---

My death is happy, I'm still secluded...
What's less is actually what's really suited...

---

My arms are weak, and my heart beats slower...
The calmer the beat, the longer the holder...
I sing for a flower, I talk for a person...
Sting me with power to walk in immersion..

I sleep but my eyes stay open and wait,
I weep when love tries to cope with your fate...
Knowledge is gained by the loss of a child...
I ponder the same things, the cost is my smile...

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=328139
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=328173

^^^LINKS^^^

uppin

rise.

was hoping 4 sum feedback... I'm good about RTFing and all... but... whatever.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Engivale

What A Smile Costs




I admit guilt but I know that my Blood's Cold-
I'm filled with the false gospel of what's Told...
And I must shoulder the weight of expectation;
Unless they say that I'm an inmate to test men's station...

I know my life's a loss, My mind's a mess;
I wish my play was paused so I'd die in jest...
I feel like life's empty, love's been unfilfilled
And I lost the girl meant for me cuz my friend was killed...



I feel my veins pulsing,
I'm tired and sad...
I'm still the same old thing
that was admired and glad...
But my mood's been changing,
I lost respect...
I consume my attained fling
To cross my neck...
Earth is crying,
The Green turns brown...
But first the lying
Must be Seen from Sound...
And if refrain is met by
My late indulgence...
Abstain from set-
---Checkmate!
...Convulsions...



My arms are weak, and my heart beats slower...
The calmer the beat, the longer the holder...
I sing for a flower, I talk for a person...
Sting me with power to walk in immersion..

I sleep but my eyes stay open and wait,
I weep when love tries to cope with your fate...
Knowledge is gained by the loss of a child...
I ponder the same things, the cost is my smile...

---

I thought this was great. I love its structure. You have a great flow and you rhymed fantastically. You had a flawless execution and I thought this was clever. Its was emotional and relateable. I don't see anything wrong here
Stay Up and Active!

rtf:When I Write in my sig

Obviously a deep piece and it flowed well. I liked the imagination put into this and the detail kinda like that green turns to brown line, that just makes u think vividly. The words used to rhyme were cool and unique. I pretty much liked it and have no complaints.
Can you please return feed-back?
here's the link to my piece.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=328177

Sorry for not dropping sooner.. I seen this piece but I was too tired to leave any feed.. Anyhow here it is... This had alot of emotion behind it. Very strong.
This right here:

Quote:

---

I feel my veins pulsing,
I'm tired and sad...
I'm still the same old thing
that was admired and glad...
But my mood's been changing,
I lost respect...
I consume my attained fling
To cross my neck...
Earth is crying,
The Green turns brown...
But first the lying
Must be Seen from Sound...
And if refrain is met by
My late indulgence...
Abstain from set-
---Checkmate!
...Convulsions...

---

Was definitely my favorite part of this.. It flowed perfectly and painted one hell of a picture inside my head. And this, "I wish my play was paused so I'd die in jest...".. It was very creative. I dont know what else to say... Great work, man.. Your writing skills are incredible..... Though it was a bit simple.. It carried alot of power. Stay active, yo... I cant wait to read more from you....

This is Poetry`
A well written one at that
I enjoyed the simplicity in this one
Not complex at all yet it wasn't adolescent at all either.
Very easy structure to follow the thoughts.
Not much to say other than I enjoyed this piece`
A good read`
Keep it up man`
Peace`


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=328001

^Share your thoughts`

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'm just glad I finally got some. I tend to use very simple language to describe very vivid and important subjects, more so to show my readers how they can do that themselves rather than be caught up thinking that five syllable words and abstract metaphors lead to good writing... When they usually lead to confusion and false praise from people who don't want to look ignorant after reading something they didn't get.

My favorite part was the last two lines, "Knowledge is gained by the loss of a Child, I ponder the same things, the cost is my smile." Just seemed to tie it all together for me when I wrote it, it's one of my favorite couplets I've ever written... because the more knowledge we gain, the less innocence/ignorance we have, and the older we must be becoming.

Again, thx for feed, I'll RTF anyone's work.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=328268
^first of all, yes ..it's a present for you!






and lol, this piece was awsome. loved how deep it was and the emotional picture it put inside my body. with me, i feel the things felt in a piece when i read it and if it's easy enough to actually read. you've done really well with this one and everything just sort of fell into place for you. those last few lines were crazy, but still really sad and indepth at the same time. enjoyed the read and thank you for it. pondering whether to nominate it or not, i might come back and re-read it ;).


thanks again

- Nash!

Very interesting read, kind of a sad topic and all but the emotion in it was strong. I really liked the flow and rhyme scheme you used but the best part was that you didnt use really strong or heavy vocab but simple stuff that worked to a great extent.

My favorite part:

My arms are weak, and my heart beats slower...
The calmer the beat, the longer the holder...
I sing for a flower, I talk for a person...
Sting me with power to walk in immersion..

I sleep but my eyes stay open and wait,
I weep when love tries to cope with your fate...
Knowledge is gained by the loss of a child...
I ponder the same things, the cost is my smile...

That was ill and raw, I loved the ending of this piece. overall pretty cool stuff right here....i dont write many OMs so when I leave feed on a piece, I dont think im leaving enough but I try...lol

hit up The End for me duke.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...66#post5547766

this piece was deep and the emotion was deep aswel.

I dont usually like these kinda piece's but the emotion in this piece is wat did it fo me.

You had ok rhymes. But i 4rt the way you were speaking about this person (wether its from your point of view or u telling a story)it was deep.

Obviously you coulf of came harder and the structure was not too bad. But u have good potential, keep it up.

your emotion is wat made this piece strong, your vocab was ok but u got talent.