Coiled Scales of Life: The Evil Seeds

Coiled Scales of Life: The Evil Seeds
By: Nash

screaming in a room ..
such pain on delivering a package
then through the midst of hurt ..
arose life, in newness of health
the baby from a womb, a hatchling
happenings reverse into a scale of life
emerging without swirls of joy ..
and curls atop a head of colors
as a mother dies giving birth to a spawn
a snake like being, seeing for his first time
what it is to be a human on this earth.
as his mind ..
signs a contract with its own trust
obeying no other he comes across
the left shoulder bears heavy ..
as his right hand man eases the pain
his veins are that of evil
but still he trys to clear his name
doing only good things, still trusting none
forgiving nothing evil that is done
two qualities he needs to be a good person!
but dishonest hatred and unforgiving lust
lay beneath his roots in the firey dust
a deciple ..of the wrong breed
unknowingly being the evilist of seeds
he coils beneath his roots ..
and musters the courage to fufill these deeds
leaving homeless dead on the streets
blowing up buildings wherever he sees
robbing stores ..killing old women
turning beautiful girls into sluts of a city
causing war where he walks ..
.. stalking the good and doing them wrong
so while satans gone ..
.. his coiled scales of life live on

you guys suck ass ..

Good job on this one.

The whole poem was like a whole stanza of similes, and I liked that about it. just the sheer comparisons and things it had in it, and the vocabulary you used. I saw the structure you maintained and I feel like it's a new style that people are attaining on RB PS. Continuing lines from the previous ones. Although I like your OMs better, this still kept me content, the whole thing was consistent. Good job.

Very nice vocab in this... i havent read any of your pieces that i know of an this is good your simlies was good and your style was good... the approac to the otpic was on point and you stayed on topic aswell the style of your writing in this was good... your emoti0on was there not to strong but still there... overall i'd say this was a good piece.. keep at it. mabye we can collab sometime

If you want another read
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=307973

Interesting topic, i liked the first half of this the most, and i liked the sporadic rhyming, towards the end when you started trying to throw out some crazy multis and internals, i thought it didn't fit well with this piece, and the rhyming was kind of boring...ive been saying that a lot in the last few pieces ive read...its not enough to have internals and multis, you have to make an effort to make the rhyming interesting...use some multisyllable and slant rhymes to keep things fresh...overall though, i good poem...keep it up

Wow..

If you really want me to be honest.

Quit forcing this. I know you are LOADS better than what you put out in this piece. Seriously, you forced the rhymes, you forced the few metaphors that were decent. Dude, poetry is all about freedom, it doesn't have to be EXACTLY the way you want it to be, ramble around the topic, let your readers decide in their mind what they want the picture to look like. Now if you want to write a Om, thats a diffrent story, I think you do a bit better with OM's anyways. But keep writing.

thanks guys. appreciate it