Laureate & Soulstice - Anatomy Of A Future

[soulstice.]

Laureate
Soulstice

Anatomy of the Future

It’s a challenge I can’t swallow
For time is ever changing…and
The reliable unpredictable when
They refuse to try any more, the
Sheets cast off the bed by a wave
And ripple effect of your lover
Leaving and slamming the door
With a thud in your head, that
Resonates throwing off the beat
Of your dying heart, the pulse
Hastens, casting your mind and
Thoughts off the rhythm you
Worked so hard to perfect,
The drums, banging outside
The window of your past
Clash with the song playing
In your head, but somehow
You knew the change was
Coming, when you tried to
Dissect what has yet to occur
And found only threads and
Shards of the broken pieces
Of your past, maybe, just
Maybe the future holds a
Memory, which you cannot
Escape, the circle of life leaves
You occupied, and when you
Try to push too far ahead, you
Run into your back…and stop

As the cuckoo bird flies
majestically overhead,
over the Grandfather
Mountains toward Zeitgeist.
Analyze the situation -
mark you birthday in blood
on the calender of eternity.
A surgeon dissecting my
melting clocks, he found
a hundred forks in the road
stones blocked up in its
kidney. He found a
terrible choice tumor
on my brain's cortex
He searched and searched
for a map toward my funeral
but I was yet to draw one
up. So I stenciled my
way past the tumor and
patrolled through the
kidney stones until I
reached my resing place.
A place to go when the
second hand races me.
I found home. Where
it's heart was.

[Liquid Content]

Okay ive read this like 3 times now and after the first time i didnt really like the structure nor did i like the flow in the first couple of lines but then i read it again and it became easier... the way you both put this together was great... its complex and simple at the sametime... the imagery and emotion was so vivid in this i loved it. Soul only thing i have to say bad about you would be that your first like 2-4 lines seemed a little forced like you was trying to have alot of complexity and big vocab in it but then it died down and went to normal so there isnt really anything bad to say about your piece other then that... this was a very well put together piece from the both of you... very well done

[soulstice.]

Actually it hink your right, about my first 2-4 lines... i sorta changed up the style right after that... thanks for the feed

[Jon]

Forgive me if I'm wrong, I didn't have much time to read this so I may have gotten your intentions wrong.

This was a great piece, wonderful imagination, perfect wording, everything the HoF needs. Soulstice, you had a decent portion with varieties of unforced metaphores, leaving the reader wanting to read more, nicely done. Laureate, you as well had nice meta's, but your mind opened up the window, and I could see exactly what you were trying to say. I can't say much more about this, great piece. No doubt in my mind that this was getting into the HoF. Keep it up

[Matt Millsaps.]

Lyric- Your part was actually what I'd call a great PIECE by itself, not to say you didn't need Soulstice in any way. You really have an imagination man, it's really rare to see stuff like this from any person, especially on an internet site. Your wording is so colorful and brings to life the story, setting, basically just the whole piece in general. I like the ending "run into your back...and stop" cool shit man. You had amazing metaphors man and I can tell you really have a wonderful sense of what you're doing. Your peice was thought provoking and it got me thinking, really a well-rounded drop and a great first half of this poetry collab. Great work!

Soulstice- Damn man. You also had an amazing piece. I really actually liked how the first few lines differed from the rest inyour half because it made for a nice transition and actually came together nicely for you in the end. I liked your wording as well, but really the little things you had in it kept me into it. Liked the metaphors, they killed it for me man, they were nicely placed and very smooth with the piece as a whole. No doubt you know what's going on as well, very nice read from you as well Soulstice. Very good Job!

WOW...2 great poets...HoF!

-Educated [both of you hit up my OM...Speaking Silence]

[Laureate]

thanks man, up

[Witty]

wow, I really liked this, which isn't much of a surprise, because I know how god both of you are. But yea, very dope peice here dudes, both verses complimented each other amazingly, which (if you are doing a collab over the internet) is very hard to pull off, so props on that. Soulstice was coming with the dope metaphors lol I think that's what I like most about your work dude, the metaphors you use amaze me lol maybe it's because I'm not very good with metaphors, I don't know. Laureate you had an amazong verse, imagery was dope as fuck, you had very good wording, and you also had really good metaphors. dope peice dudes, props.;

[Illus']

Laureate-

Nicely done simple yet nice..

The reliable unpredictable when
They refuse to try any more, the
Sheets cast off the bed by a wave
And ripple effect of your lover
Leaving and slamming the door
With a thud in your head, that
Resonates throwing off the beat
Of your dying heart, the pulse
Hastens, casting your mind and
Thoughts off the rhythm you
Worked so hard to perfect,

Nice imagery and you gave a sort of
discriptive metaphorical example.
Well yeah ...It was your most strong point.
Well written a lot can relate the way it
was worded. I had to think about it at first
but then it came along it just clicked in
my head it reminded me of a past relationship
for some reason....anyway nicely done.


Soulstice-
Wow different style lol... anyway nice imgery
the way you write puzzles me a little , Yet
when I breeze through it I understand I guess
I can't give it much thought just my style of
reading poetry ...or anything else.. anyway.
ok drop..




As a collab it was mmm not that great because of
the style choice, needs more of a connection
however if you guys were to drop seperatly it would
have been best...


try to do another collab together see where it takes
you two..

[LedgenZ]

I must agree - very nicely done felllas.


Laurent:
I thought your imagery was superb , but what really impressed me was your provocative choice of words. Though your piece came off in a somewhat subtle manner - it still had a certain level of sexual intensity about it - well, maybe passionate would be a better choice of words. Still your retrospective sulking combined with your optimistic outlook created a rather …. Hmmmm…awkward, yet, pleasant complexity - all courtesy of your incredible placement.

Favorite portion:

Sheets cast off the bed by a wave
And ripple effect of your lover
Leaving and slamming the door
With a thud in your head, that
Resonates throwing off the beat
Of your dying heart, the pulse
Hastens, casting your mind and
Thoughts off the rhythm you
Worked so hard to perfect,
The drums, banging outside
The window of your past
Clash with the song playing
In your head,

^I’mma go ahead and say that - that deserves a wow, so WOW!!!


Soulstice:
I think you took the title and ran with it, with your complex, yet relative metaphors, your piece seemed to embody the concept in its entirety. And I for one can truly appreciate your focused and acute sense of language. Nothing in your work suggest any sign of discontent, there was no filler, every thing appeared to be exactly where and as it should be - witch in my opinion is a rarity not often seen in text.

Favorite portion:

As the cuckoo bird flies
majestically overhead,
over the Grandfather

^That was dope, loved the wordplay

Also:

He searched and searched
for a map toward my funeral
but I was yet to draw one
up. So I stenciled my
way past the tumor and
patrolled through the
kidney stones until I
reached my resing place.
A place to go when the
second hand races me.

^Well I’ve already said wow, so how ‘bout I say Damn instead? - Damn!!!

[SmokaJoka]

Vote - Laureate

Reason:
Better multis, and just came harder with his verse
























nah...pretty good shit honestly...lost me in a few parts but I read it over and it made sense again..lol

In your head, but somehow
You knew the change was
Coming, when you tried to
Dissect what has yet to occur
And found only threads and
Shards of the broken pieces
Of your past, maybe, just
Maybe the future holds a
Memory, which you cannot
Escape, the circle of life leaves
You occupied, and when you
Try to push too far ahead, you
Run into your back…and stop

..The ending half of your verse was the best part...started to pick up more into the story...and a cool ending if I caught it the way I think it was perceived...

A surgeon dissecting my
melting clocks, he found
a hundred forks in the road
stones blocked up in its
kidney. He found a
terrible choice tumor
on my brain's cortex
He searched and searched
for a map toward my funeral
but I was yet to draw one
up. So I stenciled my
way past the tumor and
patrolled through the
kidney stones until I
reached my resing place.
A place to go when the
second hand races me.
I found home. Where
it's heart was.

..You actually did a bit better than ben did in his...this part was full of...well...not really imagery....but something like that is a way to put it...good meaning to your piece too....stuck to the topic in some ways...but you both attacked it differently...

BreakDown:
Metaphors - 9/10
Originality - 7/10...couldve been used better
Vocabulary - 7/10
Imagery - 8/10
RhymeScheme - 6.5/10...kinda hard to read
Overall - 37.5/50

Conclusion:
Definately a good read from you both....I liked the ways you both took the topic and went seperate ways with it...an original topic that could've been much deeper than it was....keep up the good work...nothing much I can tell you guys to work on that you wouldnt already know...


Rating:
7.5/10

[Laureate]

Bump

[Nib Oswald]

Wow, these two verses really complimented each other well. Laureate, your structuring of syntax and sentences was beautiful to behold, the drum imagery and language use throughout was stylistically powerfl and overall made for a tight as hell freestyle piece. Great start, beginning and end. Niiiice.
Soulstice, some nice corporeal imagery of diseases and the like and references to time and death made for a nice thematic element to your work. Your structuring of lines worked well with Laureate's and the two together flowed on well.
Great collab, guys.

[Kaotic Theory]

whom i really liked this...it didnt flow allthat well but damnit in my eyes flow means shit when it comes to good poetry...neways
laureate i like your structure first of all,a good opener to the poem man way tostart it off i was interested right after the first couple lines
soul your was kinda different when it came to flow or things not meaning in a bad way,because yours was great also, the closer was nailed nicely
you both had nice emotion which gave the perfect feeling to the read,the vocab was above average,i thought this piece was well worded tastefully by both writers....very nice read and a great collab!

[Spoken]

It’s a challenge I can’t swallow
For time is ever changing…and
The reliable unpredictable when
They refuse to try any more, the
Sheets cast off the bed by a wave
And ripple effect of your lover
Leaving and slamming the door
With a thud in your head, that
Resonates throwing off the beat
Of your dying heart, the pulse
Hastens, casting your mind and
Thoughts off the rhythm you
Worked so hard to perfect,
The drums, banging outside
The window of your past
^^
Ben you made your verse say alot in such a short time...deep with emotion and conetent. the flow of it was nice and mysterious yet direct and str8. i liked the intent in here was nice and the wordings was idealistic.


A surgeon dissecting my
melting clocks, he found
a hundred forks in the road
stones blocked up in its
kidney. He found a
terrible choice tumor
on my brain's cortex
He searched and searched
for a map toward my funeral
but I was yet to draw one
up. So I stenciled my
way past the tumor and
patrolled through the
kidney stones until I
reached my resing place.
A place to go when the
second hand races me.
I found home. Where
it's heart was.
^^
liked this part from here yea your first 2-3 lines were kinda iffy like a WAY diffrent style though it still was ok and it didnt really fall off....nice meotion in this aswell.

Both verses meshed in well together and really lit up the image for readers to read and enjoy!.the metaphors in through out this WHOLE POETIC PIECE rang nicely and settled in with great perceptino that made this piece a unique and creative piece...topic was original and verses were superb!.
nice read dudes. keep it coming....

RTF link in the sig please.