In Over My Head: Decapitation

http://www.fransfranciscus.com/image...capitation.jpg

I think for one second now and in side my mind I wonder
Am i ready? for beheading? and is this my mentors hunger?
Suspicious abolishonist orcestrating whats to be presented
My obligations to noticing more reguarding my every intentions
Only to witness a forceful swipe-from a gorganites horrid blade
Lonely my ridicule is in the mind of a middle school foreign aid
Many intrusions only fly through my mind seeking the asylum
Giving thought already hearing the blade slicing,of currupt titans
Adjacent lines pacing to my life honoring but a slashing motion
Life of a passing poet-only to lose my head seems castrophobic
This everlasting moment before it's gone and I never see again
My plead to needs I never got to accept or to relieve within
Untimely seetings letting me see the futrure-a pleasant glance
On a a pedistal next to an uprotected neck-fearing only arrogance
Versitile misconceptions are heaven sent,now in grieving filthy
Now acts and believing fact the punishment now leaving guilty
Earth and all life has been less than a simple mistake thus far
Faith on the table my head on the line only a thought of ruggard
Is this what I deserve? Cut by the neck for more than mistakes?
The Depth I step is left as the clef of an exhilirating heart rate
So I'm decapitated and still breathing looking around the room
Seeing shocked faces of family members-and a sound of doom
Polyphonic and astromonical decrpitions on several inscrption
Temptation and more than my head gone as a simple vindiction

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=304463

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=305029

May I have some feed please?

This was aight, i liked the way you added the image and structured the whole piece. The structure was very good and so was the form. Most of it was consistant but tone down some of your vocab in parts as it meddelled with the flow and made it awkard, though i have myself committed the same mistake and most likely will again. I liked the 1st person narrative approach and your description was also very good. Overall, i liked this piece, though it was not as grasping as it coulv'e been.

Thanks Pak.....uppin.

Whats the fuckin point of writing OM's if no one ever replies all people do is look in and look I have 37 views and 1 person left feed thats pathetic Iand I left links in atleast 6 OM's thats sad..

I usually dont feel this type of peice, written to a picture and all you know. Unless thats your album cover it dont matterlol. But you had a very clean classic RB open mic style. Great execution and good content. Only problem is often your flow was off it could be helped out by using multis or perhaps lowering the overusage of unnessicary vocab, because its sometimes wordy. overall good peice.

7/10

Return the favor to my On Top Of The World peice

I think, like Pak said, that the vocabulary used in this piece is kind of making it a little awkward for the purposes of general flow. And you'll be hard pressed to find someone on this site more concerned with the flow then the overall sensibility or creativity behind the lyrics. The story is kinda cool, I did get the image of where you were going with this piece, but it is written to an exaggerated point of display of diction... A lot of you guys tend to do this, at the expense of language, thinking that these out-there words can somehow make your writing more credible, or something... I'm not so sure that anyone's mind works the way this is written, like, is this line really what came straight to your head?

Quote:

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Polyphonic and astromonical decrpitions on several inscrption

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I mean, that is just wordy, man. I usually like your stuff, this is just kinda overdone for me. As always, RTF if you can, that's one of the main reasons I posted is that you said the low amount of feedback was pissing you off, and believe me, I HATE when my pieces get looked at seventy fuckin times and I've got two responses because the other three or four are me uppin' it, begging for some feedback.

ok, not bad, it started off slow, but after that poet, head gone line, i started to get into it alot. my major problem with this is I wish you would have spoke about the two guys holding you, and added some imagery with them, like describe them and make them sound like monsters, it would have really done this piece alot more justice, basically I feel you could have used the picture alot better and used it fully. it would have made this a much more interested read, nonetheless this was still aight, it was a cool read and had some lines that stood out, like the head gone one I mentioned earlier, that one set the tone lovely. keep dropping dude.