Artistic Pens Ft. Infamouz

Artistic Pens
By: Advisory & Infamouz. <---- in that order

http://i7.tinypic.com/210n5vk.jpg

There's many artistic ways, i speak my mind through a pen
Known for my deep thoughts, and deep emotions with in
Not scared to let em' loose, but not to nice on the stage
Unleashin' dopeness through pens, that look nice on a page
Artistic ways, scripts of praise, i write skitz but no plays
When im alone with the pen, i could write dopeness fa' days
Simplistic ways, anxious to be free, while lock'd in a cage
When ur pen leaks ink, mine leaks blood, and my life on a page
Diaries hold secrets, that are released from private feelings
Thoughts not to be let out, that only pens find appealing
I'm dope through a pen, and for you'll its jus a sample
But i'll release dopeness, that only my pen could handle
Copy down angry thoughts, like writin' utensils of rage
Once again releasin' dope thoughts, with a pen to da page
.
.
Encrypted slave, I control the point emotion & self esteem.
While I release my stress, as I let unfold the tip
.. of the ball point beam.
As I watch my the ink drop, my tear's tend to fade away.
& The paper lay's, I forward my pen to a far brighter day.
This is all I can say, the expression's of thought's I feel.
Cold steel, It's the only way I can let out this anger in a
.. great deal.
My rage wield's, So I will express it in a very Artistic overlay.
So I go off with the thought greatness, & let it take me away.
I speak my mind through word's,until a perfecting stage.
Write on a page, as I sit there `til I run out of ink or my last day.

http://i7.tinypic.com/210n5vk.jpg

Link [1]
Link [2]

not feeling this...

too many flaws, undeveloped concepts and redundency. scheme was lacking, flow choppy in areas and just sub par. I though the emotion and energy of the piece would be stand out, but I was wrong. If you write about something you love, you would expect the reader to feel that. not the case here. nothing stood out for me, and nothing held my attention no depth, no substance. work on it

^^^^thnx for the feedback, and will try to do wat u say

uppin for more feedback

im always willing to help, so keep that in mind

word thnx....i'll have more comin', so peep em' if u could

me and ta2 got one comin

i would suggest you peep the works of more polished writters, that always does more for elevation than reading replies on your own work...



hell, peep my work if you find the time, might help...

will do

i liked this peice, although you need to use more multies ands wsorsk on your flow, although i like to portay the good parts too, which in my opinion were these two bits

Encrypted slave, I control the point emotion & self esteem.
While I release my stress, as I let unfold the tip
.. of the ball point beam.
As I watch my the ink drop, my tear's tend to fade away.
& The paper lay's, I forward my pen to a far brighter day.
and
I'm dope through a pen, and for you'll its jus a sample
But i'll release dopeness, that only my pen could handle
Copy down angry thoughts, like writin' utensils of rage
Once again releasin' dope thoughts, with a pen to da page

Liked both those bits, although more imaginary and multies should be envolved
Keep it up :)

To be honest, when I saw the title it sounded like it would be a nice piece. But, when I read it, it didn't turn out that way. You could use some elevation, and the second half of the thread didn't flow as well as the first.
--->
Encrypted slave, I control the point emotion & self esteem.
While I release my stress, as I let unfold the tip
.. of the ball point beam.
As I watch my the ink drop, my tear's tend to fade away.
& The paper lay's, I forward my pen to a far brighter day.
This is all I can say, the expression's of thought's I feel.
Cold steel, It's the only way I can let out this anger in a
.. great deal.
My rage wield's, So I will express it in a very Artistic overlay.
So I go off with the thought greatness, & let it take me away.
I speak my mind through word's,until a perfecting stage.
Write on a page, as I sit there `til I run out of ink or my last day.

I say needs some improvement, but overall it was an C+ thread...
keep it up, and you may release some better ones.

LOl, thnx for the feedback catz, thats wat this is about

uppin for more feedback

This piece was very much mediocre. Advisory, your part was ok. Flow was a little choppy at times. Vocab could have been better and it was no imagery here so I was looking for emotion but felt none. Infamouz., your part felt very forced at times. Like this

This is all I can say, the expression's of thought's I feel.
Cold steel, It's the only way I can let out this anger in a
.. great deal.

That line seemed as though you said what you had to say, then put great deal just for rhyme.

For both, keep writing and work on it a little.

thnx for that feed

uppin for more

I didnt think it was bad it just didnt hold my attention you should keep the reader inmind and literally fight for their attention when writing

check out my battle

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...48#post4752148