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Some simple decisions...
You'd think you'd found me if around the basic bound'ry you were lookin'
And now we see the power we've devoured is mistookin'
The planet isn't ageless, we're contagious and we're killing...
By design we turn the pages just to find our final billing..
We won't be halted, we've overhauled it, sea is salted don't we know?
From the baltic to the tropic nothing can stop it once we go
I wish I hadn't missed the pattern, Mars to Saturn or Neptune
I'm sadder in this latter time of matter we've slept through...
Broken lines, nickels and dimes currency declines to rust
Too many fines, Assumin' he signs the new constitutional lines in just...
I'm broken and tired of living in wired america
So fuck your hired duck and fire police I ain't scared of the-
Prisons you build, I'm reminiscin' until you sign the bill to release me
Decisions to kill, to make incisions and still swallow this pill that eats me
It's guilty pleasure raisin' blood pressure, Bet your only kidding
Fuck up your texture intercept your joke, it's your throat that I'm slitting
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hmmm.. very interesting piece here... the topic was good and the verse seemed to fit the title nicely... there wasn't much of a story to this, this piece was more or less you trying to get your point across which had an okay outcome... i sensed alot of mixed emotions in this piece which i enjoyed greatly, you dont see many pieces like that... your rhymes and multis were probably your strongest point in this verse... there was plenty of multis and most of the rhymes were complex and very elevated... the only problem with your multis is that they seemed to pull you away from you main topic here and there and you seemed to stray a bit, but you ended up being able to pull it back together... the structure was a little off, and i didnt enjoy how you had 4 small verses of 4 lines, but it was okay i guess... i would have most definately liked to see more length to it, but mayb with a different topic. the flow was very consistent throughout and i think you did very well in that category... finally, the vocab was very intelligent and you used vivid words..
all in all good work... return the favor and check the OM in my sig titled "The Cookie Jar".. thanks
~1~
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^uppin for more feedback plz-
Thanks ta2_tears for the comments, I appreciate your take on my little rhyme here. After reading it again a few hours later, I find it pretty much to my liking, however there are some parts that seem to be a little loosely thought. I still like it, though.
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man your flow and use of multi's are exellent in your peices. they are deffinatly your strongest points. this peice was easy to read but not as enjoyable as i think you could have made it. your weak points are your lack of complexity and use of very plain and basic words. i just think in the circumstance of trying to better yourself everytime you write, you shouldn't write about anything "simple". in my opinion its best to elevate yourself and learn from yourself. your flow is exellent but if you listen to me or anyone else who tells you to change your wording, it may effect your ability to use multi's and such. so work around yourself and figure how you can better instead of compromising. keep writing.
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