The village Master

The Village Master

*I WENT IN MORE DEEP FROM MY LAST OM*


beside the straggling fence that skirt the way;
with blossomed furze unprofitably gay,
there,in his noisy mansion, skilled to rule,
the village master taught his little school;
a man severe he was, and stern to view,
i knew him well, and every truant knew;
well had the bolding tremblers learned to trace
the days disasters in his morning face;
full well they laughed, with counterfeited glee,
at all his jokes, formany a joke had he:
full well the busy whisper, circling around,
conveyed the dismal tidings when he frowned;
yet he was kind,or,if severe in aught,
the love he bore to learning was in fault;
the village all declared how much he knew;
'twas certain he could write,and cipher too;
lands he could measure,terms and tides presage,
and even the story ran that he could gauge.
in arguing,too, the person owned his skill,
for, even though vanquished, he could argue still;
while words of learned lenght and thundering sound
amazed the gazing rustics ranged around;
and still thet gazed, and still the wnder grew
that one small head could carry all he knew.

LINKS:

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...04&page=2&pp=15

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=296788

hmmm.. this was a decent read.. but you really need to lay off of the vocab and multies a little until you grasp the feel of poetry or poetic pieces. i could kind of get what you were doing, but it was a little too much, you tried to force multies in every line, and sometimes, the words didnt go with the line.. its like me saying "Bitch I hate you, Tater tots". You see the tatertots @ the end of it? well, thats like me reading your piece, some of it didnt go along with the rest. Anyways, for what it was, it was a decent read, i think you can elevate as a writer with more reads of hof and legendary pieces. Like i said, just work on making it go along with eachother. Dont force it, and you'll be ok..

Keep your eyes open for my piece "On We Go"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jonathon

hmmm.. this was a decent read.. but you really need to lay off of the vocab and multies a little until you grasp the feel of poetry or poetic pieces. i could kind of get what you were doing, but it was a little too much, you tried to force multies in every line, and sometimes, the words didnt go with the line.. its like me saying "Bitch I hate you, Tater tots". You see the tatertots @ the end of it? well, thats like me reading your piece, some of it didnt go along with the rest. Anyways, for what it was, it was a decent read, i think you can elevate as a writer with more reads of hof and legendary pieces. Like i said, just work on making it go along with eachother. Dont force it, and you'll be ok..

Keep your eyes open for my piece "On We Go"

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thanks for the feed, ill defenatly will take note on my next piece

hmm this piece was okay... personally i enjoyed ur other one a bit better, but this turned out just fine... the rhymes and multis were on point and kept strong thoughout the whole piece... the topic was original and interesting... the vocab was strong but i got an impression that you were using a thesaurus or something, because it seemed a bit forced and some words were not used quite properly... there's nothing wrong with thesaurus' but make sure u kno wut ur doing when u place a word in your piece. the flow was okay, once again some spelling errors and wrong wording messed it up a bit but for the most part it was okay... the structure was probably your weakest part of the verse but i dont pay much attention to it... story telling was good and u had a very clever approach to your piece... keep up the good work

~1~

thanks man lol still lookin to improve more on it. thanks for the feed

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ta2_tears

hmm this piece was okay... personally i enjoyed ur other one a bit better, but this turned out just fine... the rhymes and multis were on point and kept strong thoughout the whole piece... the topic was original and interesting... the vocab was strong but i got an impression that you were using a thesaurus or something, because it seemed a bit forced and some words were not used quite properly... there's nothing wrong with thesaurus' but make sure u kno wut ur doing when u place a word in your piece. the flow was okay, once again some spelling errors and wrong wording messed it up a bit but for the most part it was okay... the structure was probably your weakest part of the verse but i dont pay much attention to it... story telling was good and u had a very clever approach to your piece... keep up the good work

~1~

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^ Cant Say More Than That. But Yeah, The Vocab Was Too Overpowering For This Peice, Less Is More :).

This was pretty good, i liked the basic essence of this and in certain parts the feel of the poetics was good. However, when you do use select words try and make sure that they make sense as a whole incorprated sentence na mean. The flwo was good and imagery good in parts. The closer was donw very well. Just keep improving and you'll get there.

Check this out, na mean
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=298899