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Denied Entry
lol this is for my assembly im gunna be readin it in front of year 10s and 11s which is like 500 people lol
Denied Entry
As I look behind me I see all that I’m leaving behind
A land that is in tatters, a belief that all is fine only exist in my mind
Realising what is going on, I find myself wishing I wasn’t here
Gathering my family I try to flee the land, taking all that I hold dear
Remembering the good, the bad, and the not so pleasant times
Not fully informed, I had to leave , I didn’t commit any war crimes
For other reasons untold I was going, leaving all that was loved
I’m leaving, They persist to push, I don’t want to be shoved
Reaching the border of my home land, I leave my fears behind
Thinking of the new start I’m set to experience, I think of what ill find
Stepping over the border of my new home it was like a new life
Holding my family tight, my kids, my caring wife
My legs felt weak, I felt faint, unable to see the landscape
As I began to get to my feet, I sensed the fear had found its escape
The thought of being rejected ran blatant on my face
Surely they wouldn’t be disrespectful because of my race
I had to leave, I told them, its my destiny, its my fate
I was In pursuit of freedom, only to be sent back to the land of hate
The memories of past times gone was triggered when they said ‘no’
Kicking, screaming I didn’t want to leave, ‘please just let us go’
In disbelief, I fell to the floor, my wife came to my aid
‘I knew it was to good to be true, we should of stayed.’
Rejected from prosper, my face began to rain tears of pride
Not hiding my face, I wasn’t scared to let them see I cried
All my hopes and dreams shattered, torn, ripped up in tatters
I just wanted to leave, start fresh, but now nothing really matters
I guess its all over now, nothing I could do, just go back ‘home’
that’s what it is now, my home its all that I have to call my own
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this was a very good piece i thought.....rhyming was good......flow was tight......vocab was very good......i could picture in my mind what was going on....lines weren't to stretched i think you just ended each one at right time....each line had a meaning i thought or almost everyline.....so yeh i thought you have good potential.....keep it up....
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hmmm nice peice here dude do you by any chance have an alias?
but yea this was a good peice..you had a nice storyuline and the topic was kind of played but you made it your own which shows that you are obviously are very good writer, The imagery was basic but affective in this peice I really felt that you done well here......nothing too bad in this peice,the flow was good...I liked the storyline,so basically this was quite an impressive peice....keep at it.
Return The Favour
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word leave feed on that link I left
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yo nice peace godd vocab and nice structure
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thats not feed u shud be banned mofo and im untouchable son
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I took notice that you're freeposting ass has taken to attempting poetry, so I'll leave feed.
Honestly, this is the best piece you've written. I've seen a lot of elevation since your first OM...
This was a quite played topic, but you put your own spin on it, and I respect that. It started off well, gave me a clear idea of what was going on...Your vocabulary, could have been better, but there was enough to add a touch of complexity. I also see that you're picking up on imagery...As stated above, you got me into the storyline...Sadly though, this piece drifted into redudancy for a little bit. Remember, even if you put the same thing a different way, it's still the same thing...It seemed like you just complaining a lot..It livened up though when you expressed that you went back to your home land...It seemed very symbolic when you said
"Rejected from prosper, my face began to rain tears of pride
Not hiding my face, I wasn’t scared to let them see I cried"
With that said, this was also flawed...It seemed as if you started rushing things...Don't. Take your time...You've mastered the basics, now you just have to start grasping such things as metaphors, better imagery, and better vocabulary...I see potential, keep it up ass.
RTF on any OM.
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