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Suicide Angels
Suicide Angels
http://www.worldwar1.com/foto/tww090.jpg
As we limped through the battlefield,death flowed along the wind,
Young men stood clueless, not knowing where to begin
The unit moved as slow as snails as we cursed through the sludge
A man dropping with exaustion with every heartbreaking trudge
The red flares,shot viciously into the sky behind our backs
While Srg Murphy attemted to keep the troops attention and stay on track,
Men marches asleep,and most of the unit had lost their boots,
All went lame,blind,drunk with fatigue;deaf even to the hoots,
Men pray for their lives and asked God to forgive them for their crimes,
But their prayers were soon interupted by the howls of Five Nines,*
Soon Gas was pouring down and there was now an ecstasy of fumbling,
Men not knowing what to do and began slipping and stumbling,
But Dim,through the misty panes and thick green light,
There was a man guttering,chokin an front of my helpless sight,
I watched him fall to the ground and his white eyes writing in his face,
He was just a young boy on his own,put in the wrong place,
I tried to keep on track,but not knowing where to begin,
I was too distracted with hanging faces,like devils's sick of sin,
People come gargling from froth-corrupted lungs,
And the rest march on bravely with incurable sores on tounges,
But one small message to the kids that search for glory
Listen to evey single word that I have said in this story,
Live your life,be free and die when you are grey and old,
And please at night,say a prayer for those brave mens souls
*59mm
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its real emotional man. i liked this. nice original topic for real. truth and imagery in this was consistent and strong. the rhyming was simple but it suited the way this piece was set up. i liked the vividness iin this and the feelings it makes cats feel. keep droppin this way man. the only thing i kinda dissagreed with was the ending. i would have liked it more if you didnt mention the ending paragraph like a story. example:
Listen to evey single word that I have said in this story,
personally i try to sway away from those type of words in a piece like this for real. but other then that there was no real mistakes in this piece so it was very elevated compared to alot of cats in OM.
-Peace
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i felt the emotion throughly. that was tight.
topic was interesting and i liked how you had a pic.
that shows some creativity. nice flow continuesly.
rhymes were good. few good multies here and there.
nmice vocab usage. and nice imagery.
overall this was really good. keep it up.
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iight thanks for feed y'all
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Come on more feed people :)
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Wow, your getting way better dude. I liked the piece, honestly. This is wonderfuly thought out, and I like how you wrote to the picture of the soldiers. Uh... Everything was from good to great except your multi's. If you want to be one of the "remembered" writers of RB, then you need to elevate on multi's. Keep up with the good writing. You had nice structure, but some of the lines were a bit stretched. You just need to keep the lines short and simple, or if you want them long like you had, add more multies. Like I said before, you had a great overall drop, and keep writing. Your potential is really paying off, according to this piece. Well, I'm out.. Check my new piece "Tired of this Shit".. Honestly not boreing.
pz..
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'Nother dope drop..
Topic has been done before, but you in a way helped us look at it through another opening..Interesting to see something about World War 1...You started out well, and the flow was definitely there...Your vocabulary was extremely strong, and it kept me interested in the whole piece...Your Imagery was amazing this following segment:
Soon Gas was pouring down and there was now an ecstasy of fumbling,
Men not knowind what to do and began slipping and stumbling,
But Dim,through the misty panes and thick green light,
There was a man guttering,chokin an front of my helpless sight,
I watched himm fall to the ground and his white eyes writing in his face,
He was just a young boy on his own,put in the wrong place,
I tried to keep on track,but not knowing where to begin,
I was too distracted with hanging faces,like devils's sick of sin,
People come gargling from froth-corrupted lungs,
And the rest march on bravely with incurable sores on tounges,
..
..ah, I'm an imagery whore...That was worded almost without fault, and it gave me a clear picture of what was going on in my mind..
Dope drop, keep it up, before long you'll probably find yourself in the HOF..plz RTF on "Another Piece of Wood in the Fire"...
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nice..real nice...i was feeling the emotion in this.......this flowed excellently..really smooth..made it an easy and more enjoyable read....rhymes were good....vocab was descent...and overall this was a good peice.
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i dug the emotion in this...ill rhyme scheme and wordplay...concept has been done but you added a tight twist to it.....kinda short..structure was alittle off but only in a few minor places...other than that this piece was ill and tha imagery was very ill....keep droppin tha hottness.~1~
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