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The Tragedy of Sargon
In the year of 2334 B.C.E. the first emporer was born in the cradle of humanity, Mesopotamia. An Akkadian warrior, with his vast army, would conquer the wills of the Tigris and Euphrates. Yet afer his death his empire would crumble into the dust of the past. History has named him Sargon.
"Wake Sargon Wake"
Trapped in a mist of mistake
His mistress lays
With red sheets wrapped around her waist
Her skin slightly marinated by the suns rays
Her eyes the deepest of red
As her mascara bled
Down her cheeck to caress her chin
He blinked when sand mingled in the rim
Of his eyes, which rose to grope he breast
His pupil dilated to beat of his chest
The satin vest dared to slip
Unbottoned like parted lips
Deep pink, the sun reflecting sand
Like when darn painted the land
His reverie dipped into he body
And dared to never to comeout
He kissed her hips which tasted like dust
Back to reality from figments of lust
Yet his dreams were not reconstructed memories
Rather pillaged from the minds of enemies
Half buried in the dunes
Where the skulls replace tumble weed
The sockets belled trails thatheadless skeletons loom
Their flesh drip into liquid death
Metamorph to earth to errode in sandstorm breath
"No I didn't want to!"
Sargon woke once more to the din of night mates
With his lungs groping for thin air
"It was all a dream it seems
As the streets bleed with rotting bodies
I shed blood for Akkad
Paying with sleepless nights
Swabbed my tears in rags
With gold thread I mend their lives
Yet to them I am dead
A demon king
Arm tattoed in red
Wearing blood clots as rings"
Sargon would sleep oncemore
To the clang of metal reminicent of battles before
Baby faced boy with his head cleaved
Sealed hastiloy with grass and reds
Yet a few choice pieces of mind
Drizzled from a crack behind
His eyes emptied as his spirit slipped
Drinking Sargon's tears upon his lips
Deverd at the waist soldiers walked with arms
Leakng out intestines like untwining yarn
They screamed "Sargon did this to us"
But as they passed
He carressed their eyes shut
Returning to Akkad, he stood at the gate
Decorated in the storybook sand of gate
The sun blazon on the sky's banner
The handles glittered gilded in amber
He watched its beauty for 7 days
Waiting from sleeping doors to yawn awake
They would not budge
They would not move
But worst of all
It was no mistake
Sargon wished to wake
To a time before wars before the crimes
To mend the broken battle lines
To a time before he owned the earth
Except for the place of birth
He closed his eyes one last time
To dream of dream
"Something beautiful that is mine"
Sargon would die at the age of 60. They say he would retire one night and never woke from his sleep. What happened to Sargon's body is unknown.
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wow....this was an excellent story..very creative and interesting.
excellent rhyme scheme nice multies here and there.
imagery was incredible, i followed the whole peice.
flow was nice and vocab and complexity was nice as well
overall this was a dope peice man.nice job.
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i relaly found this piece emotional. the descriptions you put forth were amazing in conjunction with the flow and story aspect. i wasnt sure if the story you told was true. so hit me back on that ahahah. but i really enjoyed reading this piece. it flowed together perfectly. very few mistakes in this work here. only minor aspects needed to be worked on in this. including: i didnt really ''feel'' the dialogue. that was really about it so yea. keep droppin mad ill man youll be dope for real.
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dope story, i studied sargon a little bit in social studies class a month or two ago, and the imagery in this was really tight, good rhyme scheme, even though the lines were smaaaall, it helped it flow very nice
gret piece, i will definitely look more from you
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Very Nice piece here. Sorry I took so
long to respond lol anyways.
Great and I mean great discriptive piece here. Extremely good
content as well. The way you went about setting this story up
was very well thought out and if it wasn't more props lol.
Your structure is very hard to maintain flow with but you pulled
it off very well I'd say. Nice vocabulary to describe his emotions
and the apprearence of things. I didn't get bored at all which
I tend to get bored when reading pieces even if they are good.
" With gold thread I mend their lives
Yet to them I am dead
A demon king
Arm tattoed in red
Wearing blood clots as rings"
Not really your best lines however they definitely stood
out to me, nice word usage. I think you are one of those
few writers who can express emtion with words very well.
I would like to see a piece with nothing but emotion.
Anyways stay writing man definitely you are talented with
this.
Peace.
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Very nice piece here, you did a wonderful job on the story telling part of it... it was an interesting topic and actually made me want to read it... the thing i love most about this piece is how it all flowed to gether flawlessly... it is really quite soothing to read a piece that isn't so choppy like most of the others on rb at the moment... the rhymes were good, serious lack of multis though... multis aren't THAT important if you're aiming for a more emotional piece... Imagery was outstanding, but emotion wasn't all there, i think you would do better emotion wise with a better topic... structure i didnt like so much but as long as it has a good flow im not 2 picky with that... good vocab and wordplay, you seemed to find the perfect words to describe the situation..
good work and ima keep an eye open for you in the future...
